"Man, that's gay" gets dropped on the daily- we become so numb to what we're saying, a culture founded from oppression, yet we don't have acceptance for 'em. We wall each other faggots behind the keys of a message board. A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it, gay is synonymous with the lesser. It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion, gender to skin colour, the complexion of your pigment the same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins"
He always knew it.
Jacob Black knew it from the age of 15, when all the boys were chasing and lusting after young, beautiful girls and he was having these crushing feelings, pulsating in his heart after his best friend Embry Call. He knew it when, instead of having thoughts and dreams about girls, he was dreaming about guys...
Billy could hear the cries of his son the moment he rolled himself into the house. He could hear the sniffs, and the constant struggle to regain composure. He instantly wondered what on earth is wrong with his only boy. So, as best as he could, he rolled down the hallway and opening the door to Jacob's room.
"Jacob, son, what's wrong?" Billy asked gently, placing his hand on his son's shoulder. Jacob looked up, surprised- when did he come in?
"N-noth-ing" He managed to mutter between sobs. "I'm f-fine"
"Jacob Black" Billy Black scolded, worried and anxious to rid his son's pain, reached up to grab Jacob's chin, forcing him to look into his eyes. "Don't you dare tell me you are fine, you are not fine, crying, and sobbing is not fine young man, now what is the matter?"
"Will you promise to love me no matter what?" came Jacob's feeble question, teeth carving nervously in his bottom lip.
Jacob knew how angry, upset and disappointed his father would be once he found out the truth. He knew his father had grown up in a religious family- being gay, lesbian or bi-sexual was absolutely frowned upon. To them, marriage was strictly between a man and a woman.
"Of course I will still love you, you're my child and I will love you no matter what happens, no matter what you say to me."
"No, you're going to hate me!" Jacob couldn't help but yell, backing away from his father's embrace. "You're going to kick me out and tell me you hate me!"
"Jacob, there is nothing in this world that you can say that will make you despise you."
"I'm not so sure about that" He took a moment- and his dad waited patiently, refusing to pressure him.
"I'm gay"
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love, my love, my love
Jacob knew, no matter what he would never be able to change who he is- no matter what came from this conversation, he wouldn't change who he is even if he wanted to. It was a part of him. He kind of always knew he was different.
Jacob knew from the moment those two tiny, yet immensely packed words came out of his mouth that there would be a cloud of thickness roaming through the air, he knew that his dad would be speechless... and ultimately hate him.
"I still love you, I don't hate you son"
"Y- you don't? B- but... I'- I'm gay! I'm not normal, I'm different. And- it's against your religion. I- I'm going to hell! I'm-" He faltered from his rant for a moment. "I'm a waste of human flesh and air" He was remembering every single word that the kids at school had said to him, he was remembering everything he heard on the television, everything he read on youtube... "I'm a mistake-" That was enough for Billy.
"Stop it, you stop it right now!" He looked at his son in slight anger, desperate and sorrow. Oh my poor son, how long have you been in so much pain? He used to be so strong and stable, but now he is falling apart so easily.
"You are perfectly normal. I love you, and I do not care if you are gay. Somewhere along the way, somebody forgot that god loves all his children, and it's not my religion, it's my parent's religion that I was thrust into. You're not a mistake either, damn, if your mother was alive she'd hit you hard over the head for saying that"
When I was at church they taught me something else, if you preach hate at the service, those words aren't anointed and that holy water that you have soaked has been poisoned.
Billy did something that thoroughly shocked Jacob- he hugged him, he brought him for a hug and wouldn't let him go, not for a second. He could feel Jacob's hot tears hitting his shoulder as he clutched on to his father so tightly. He was afraid to let go, for fear that this was nothing but a dream that he desired so much that his brain was leading him on.
A world so hateful, someone would rather die than be who they are...
Jacob could feel Billy's hand rubbing soothing circles on his back. But, in just one second, he took in Jacob's black, long sleeved sweater- and he went over the conversation he had, had with Sam Uley just a year ago- just after Jacob had started phasing.
"Sam, my son is not depressed, don't you think I'd know if my own son was cutting himself? So, he comes back with a few scars? He is a werewolf! He is bound to get a few cuts and scars here and there!"
Billy was so adamant that he knew of his son's life, well enough to know that his son wasn't depressed- but, was he? Was he cutting himself? Now that he really thought about- he couldn't remember a time in past two- three years that his son wasn't wearing a sweater.
"Jacob?" He did not say one word, he simply looked up at his father with wide brown eyes- those eyes reminded him of a kicked puppy- a puppy who had seen and felt nothing but heart and sadness...
"Show me your arm"
He felt the stiffness, and he saw fear in puppy like eyes.
"W-what, n- no, dad, don't!" Jacob tried to protest, but it was too late, Billy had hitched his sleeves up. And suddenly, in that exact moment he realised he was wrong, and Sam was right. He realised that his happy go lucky, carefree, bubbling and vibrant beam of sunshine was putting on a show for all to see.
His arm was scarred, from the wrist to the inner elbow, there were scars. Ladders and ladders of scars; oh god... thick, fat and pink scars- some looked slightly fresher than the others, some were silvering and some were scabbing at an impeccable rate.
Billy Black, promised himself that Jacob would never have a reason to do that to himself again.
We press play, don't press pause, progress, march on, with the veil over our eyes, we turn our back on the cause tll the day that my uncles can be united by law. When kids are walking 'round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart, a world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are, and a certificate on paper isn't gonna solve it all... but it's a damn good place to start. No law is gonna change us, we have to change us. Whatever god you believe in... We come from the same one, strip away the fear, underneath it's all the same love, about time that we raised up.
