Tough Luck

By Fashion Accessory

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellboy or Spider-man. This fic is for fun and nothing else.

AN: Well, this is the very first fan-fic that I've ever written, it's crude, random and totally bashing to any character that we've came to know and love.

It was dawn and Hellboy has just awoken from a strange dream where he was being held captive by a jury of cats, much like that 'Married with Children' episode. Sitting up he was still caught up in the last few seconds of the dream.

"No, the dog was guilty, not me!!" he pleaded.

"Do know that you talk in your sleep?" Came a soft voice from across the room. Looking over, Hellboy found Abe sitting on a chair, apparently amused with the sentence his comrade had showed.

"Shut up, Blue!" he simply replied. He swung his feet out of the bed and immediately landed in some stray cat crap. "BLOODY HELL!!!" he cried in frustration. "WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT??"

At that precise moment one of his cats, an orange tabby, looked at him blankly, waited a couple of seconds, and then coughed up a massive hair-ball. It then strutted off somewhere in the room.

After having breakfast Hellboy was walking down a hallway when suddenly Spider-man, costume and all, jumped out at him from nowhere, Hellboy simply rolled his eyes and mumbled, "What is this? Halloween?" and just kept on walking down the hallway.

He then decided to visit Liz and see what she was up to. When he got to her room she was currently on the bed burning. So he asked, rather casually, "Want some water?"

Screaming in pain, she yelled. "Just use the fire extinguisher!!"

"Damn it!!" Hellboy yelled.

"What?" Liz questioned, completely forgetting she was on fire.

"The pin won't come out!!" he replied in frustration.

"Oh," Liz sighed, then she remembered she was still on fire, so she let out a VERY forced scream. That second Spidey showed up and squirted his webbing at her, unfortunately he only then remembered it was ALSO flammable and before he could say anything, Liz was nothing but ashes.

Hellboy stated. "Well, that's gonna save money for a cremation."
"Yeah, cheaper than Mary-Jane's." Spidey stated. They paused, letting the silence fill the smoked out room. Then Hellboy asked brightly. "So, I'm having a game of Poker tonight, wanna come?"

"Sure," replied Spider-man, "but don't expect me to bet much, I'm still paying M.J's funeral fees."

Later that night, while the poker game was in play, Myers busted in and said, "I just heard that you were having a poker game!!"

"So," snorted Hellboy.

"Well," replied Myers dramatically, "you need whisky, cigars and jazz."

"Why?" Abe asked, sipping Turkish coffee through a child-ish straw. His addiction had yet to be known.

"Because they have all that in the movies!!" Myers whined, "especially in all the bar scenes!!"

They all looked at each other.

"Well," Spider-man replied, "if it's in the movies …"

The next morning Hellboy experienced his first mother-of-god hangovers, Abe was in a coffee induced coma, from coming up with the BRILLANT idea of swapping his tank water for pure Turkish coffee and Myers and Spider-man, sick of all the cats hanging around, had had started up their own Chinese take-away, selling the cat meat and passing it for Chicken chow-mien.