So, yeah. Using the scary cheeto-ey Ramon Salazar from Disco Ant's story...

His name was Ramon Salazar. He was a Spanish midget who desperately wanted to be Napoleon with every fiber of his being. He would dress up as Napoleon and scream "I AM NAPOLEON!" at any given time. He was a mime who was obsessed with cheetos, unpredictable and scaring most people off, but Lupin loved him.

Jigen had just finished his latest "job". He scoffed a bit at how easy it seemed. He was getting sick of wasting his time with these lame plans. But he stayed, for after all, there was nothing more exciting he could do with his life. Happy to be back at the hotel, he poured himself a hard glass of scotch and readied himself to go over the plans with Lupin.

"Lupin, are you here?" he called out. He got to Lupin's room and saw a closed door. 'Aw, fuck. Fujiko didn't get here, did she?' he begged for the possibility to not be so for once, though he knew what the answer probably was. He knocked on the door with a sigh. Hearing nothing, he twisted the unlocked knob, Lupin's shoes on the floor inside.
"Lupin, did you get the--" Jigen froze as he noticed there was an even more disturbing sight than Fujiko in there.
With a playful smile on Lupin's lips, he dug his face into Ramon Salazar's cheeto covered chest, crumpled cheetos surrounding them on the bed.
Jigen gaped in horror, wondering--and cursing himself for wondering--what the two had been doing with said cheetos. Their clothes lay messily in a pile on the floor, making his stomach turn.
Lupin lifted his head, staring at him with wide eyes. "Jigen..."

The glass shattered on the floor around Jigen's feet, his eyes filling with tears of utter pain. He quickly ran to his room and shut the door behind him, ignoring Lupin's screams. As the pounding at the door got louder, so did Jigen's sobs as he reached for the razor on his desk and lifted his sleeve.

...No, not really.

The shocked expression on Lupin's face quickly faded, turning into the smug smirk he was so known for. He climbed out of bed calmly in his heart boxers and walked over to Jigen.
"L-Lupin... What the hell!? You're... gay?"
"Are you really surprised?" Lupin chuckled, Jigen shuddering.
"There's absolutely no excuse for what I just saw!" he shouted, "I can't work with you anymore!"
"You're so cute when you're angry. But come on, are you really surprised? You've read those stories."
Lupin knew where this was going. Jigen would confess his undying love and everything would work out to his advantage.
But he became slightly confused when it didn't come. Jigen only stared. 'A bit shy, are we? That makes you even cuter!'
"You know, you could always join us," Lupin waggled his eyebrow suggestively, motioning back towards Ramon.
Jigen swiftly pulled out his gun and shot the two in the head, giving Lupin no time to react before he hit the floor.
Daisuke Jigen and Goemon Ishikawa the Thirteenth moved on with their careers, and neither ever spoke of Lupin the Third again.