This story is co-written by me (Charlotte) and Sanddobby (Maddy). But I did most of it anyway. If this is like my other stories, no one will read it anyway. Do I smell bad, or something? But whatever. Excelsior!

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Once upon a time in a little town called Las Vegas, there was the magical kingdom of Crime Lab.

Or didn't you know that already?

It had been a particularly taxing day for Gil Grissom, as he struggled with the perils of his job and his fractious existence, what with getting guns held to his head and those pervert writers all making him flirt with his coworkers. So when the package arrived at the crime lab, he was not overmuch pleased.

Catherine grabbed the package from the UPS guy. She was in a bitchy mood also, because her ex-ex-ex-ex husband had taken out a thirty-fifth mortgage on their daughter. After grabbing the package, she kicked the man in the shin and went on a crazy feminist rant. Finally, breaking off, she screamed, "How u like dem apples?"

Sara took over from there. As did Maddy.

Thank you, Charlotte.

Sara did not take over from there. The UPS guy ran away from her down the hall, and crashed into Nick. Nick was feeling pretty bitchy as well, due to the fact that Greg had given him NONE last night, so he shoved the UPS guy up against the wall and shouted about how he wasn't going to be kidnapped again, and how did the UPS guy like having a gun shoved in his face? Well? How did he?

The UPS man them promptly began to cry, shoving Nick off him and stumbling through the nearest door, straight into Sara's lap. Sara yelped and screamed "SEXUAL HARASSMENT" and began to pummel him with the baseball bat she was processing. Catherine heard her yelling and ran in. She screamed as well and began beating the UPS guy over the head with a rape kit. "That's what these things are really for!" she screamed.

Warrick appeared in the doorway to see what all the commotion was about, then suddenly recognized the UPS guy as the man who had beaten him yesterday at blackjack after he had been playing for about twenty hours straight.

Then, before his eyes, the man changed.

Ye gods! It was a dancing slot machine!

He ran up to it and began yanking the arm, shouting "Come on, papa needs a new pair of shoes!"

It was a wonder that the UPS guy was still alive. By now, he was bleeding profusely from multiple blunt force trauma wounds to his skull, and his arm was in the process of being yanked from its socket. He began to cry, sobbing "No more! No more!"

Warrick did not hear "No More!" He heard a nice little ditty that goes something like this:

"Sing and Dance! Laugh and Play!

Gamble, gamble your life away!"

"Must gamble," Warrick muttered deliriously, yanking the UPS guy's arm. "Gamble—life—away…"

"Help me!" the UPS guy appealed to a furiously molested Sara.

"Why should I help you?" Sara asked snidely. "You're a crazy rapist. I bet you beat your wife too!" she realized, and, standing up, began to beat the UPS guy with renewed vigor.

"Wait! I don't have a wife! I'm gay!" the UPS guy tried to say. But they just wouldn't listen.

Then, the party really got started. Greg poked his head in the door. "Hey, guys, good news! There was a record high in murders today! I love death—" he stopped. "What are you guys doing?"

"Beating up a rapist!" chorused Catherine and Sara, as Warrick yelled euphorically, "Gettin' my gamble on!"

"Sweet, can I join in?" Greg asked.

"Sure, as long as you're not a rapist!" Sara cried.

"Just that one time in Bermuda!" Greg responded, and jumped in, eager to get his licks in. He picked up an electron microscope and dropped it on the UPS guy's foot.

The UPS guy had had enough. He somehow found the strength to break free, despite a fractured skull, dislocated arm and broken foot. He scrambled away, sobbing in pain, with Warrick hot on his heels wailing "Slot machine! Wait! Why have you forsaken me?" Sara and Catherine hugged each other and jumped around cheering, "We beat the rapist, we beat the rapist! We hate men!"

Greg picked up the electron microscope slowly. A single tear trickled down his cheek as he mourned the loss of his favorite toy.

Warrick returned from his chase, hanging his head. "I couldn't get it, it made it to the elevator. Now I'm a hundred bucks in the hole." Sara smacked him across the face.

"You asshole! Now I'll never trust you again! Or any man, for that matter." Catherine looked at her.

"Wait, you trusted men before now?"

Sara thought for a second. "Nope, guess not. Never mind then." She high-fived Catherine moodily.

Nick poked his head in. "Hey, I heard you guys got that kidnapper."

"Actually, he was a rapist."

"I thought it was a slot machine."

Grissom had heard the commotion a few minutes ago, and came running to the lab from where he had been relaxing in his happy place. "What are you crazies doing?" he shouted, upon sighting the rather conspicuous puddle of blood on the floor. "Aww jeeze," he said, "Do we have to skip town again?"

"No, Grissom!" Sara insisted. "This time he was actually a rapist."

Grissom gulped. Now those cruddy writers would make him flirt with her. "Oh, really, sweet cheeks," he suavely, feeling sick to his stomach. "Well, whachoo say we take ourselves out for a drink."

He clapped a hand over his mouth and began to cry inside. Sara looked flattered.

Oh, here we go again, Catherine thought.

Is that even legal? Nick wondered, interested.

Slot machine! Warrick cried to himself.

"Sure," Sara said, raising her eyes and giving Grissom what could only be called a very twisted come-hither look. Grissom stared at her, fascinated and repulsed at the same time. She looked like one of those people who was having a stroke and the left side of their face was drooping.

"Sure what?" he asked distantly, still staring at her face.

"I think we should definitely take ourselves out for a drink."

Grissom brightened as he remembered his ace-in-the-hole. "Why don't you take yourself out for a drink, and I'll take myself to the lab. You know, cause I'm like in love with my job 'n stuff. So you probably don't want my baggage. And, frankly, I don't want your baggage either. So let's just stay as far away from each other as possible, okay?"

"Cut!"

Grissom groaned as the director jumped off his chair and entered the set. "Grissom," the man said with a sigh. "I've told you a million times. We want you and Sara to get together."

Grissom threw up a little inside his mouth. "Come on, is there anything believable about this relationship? I mean, seriously. There's about as much chemistry between us as there is between Greg and Nick." He turned to see Greg and Nick making out in the corner. "Okay, bad example."

Sara began to weep quietly. "I really wanted that drink..." she sobbed.

The director shoved Grissom into her arms. "Come on. I know that if you dig deep down you can get over that silly no-chemistry-whatsoever roadblock and do what we pay you for."

Grissom sighed again. "Fine, fine. Let's just get on with this."

"Great. Okay, let's go from Sara's line."

"I think we should definitely take ourselves out for a drink."

Grissom swallowed painfully. "I love you," he said dully. "Marry me."

"Ooooooo!" Sara squealed and jumped in his arms.

"How quickly they forget the sisterhood," Catherine sighed.

"Hey," Nick said. "The package! We forgot about the package!"

"Where is it?" Grissom asked.

"I don't know, Grissy," Sara cooed seductively. 'Grissy' nearly dropped her. "Eeeew," he said mournfully. "Just get the flipping package."

Catherine produced it from the lab bench behind her. "I made sure it was nice and safe before I decked him," she explained, and held it out to Grissom. Glad to have an excuse to rid himself of Sarah, he put her down and picked up the package.

"Do you think it's a bomb?" asked Greg, eagerly, "Bomb's are my forte. My homedawgs. My G—"

"Shut up," Grissom snapped. "Think fast!" He threw the package at Greg, who caught it and grinned in anticipation of the explosion. Nothing happened. His face fell. "Crap."

"Maybe next time," Grissom said, and tore the box open. Inside was a smaller box, wrapped in lovely red birthday paper. "I'm sure there's no way this is from a killer taunting us. The writers have used that particular plot device too many times."

He tore open the card.

Grissom,

I think you are beautiful. I have been watching you for a long time. I love you. Please come help us solve this murder.

I love you.

A.D.

Grissom smiled. "That's sweet and not creepy, stalkerish, or suspicious at all!" He smiled sentimentally, obviously flattered, and Sarah turned green because she bought bad makeup. And because she was jealous.

Grissom opened his present. "And it's not even close to my birthday—" he began happily, but stopped when he saw the contents of the box.

It was a chocolate bar.

Everyone in the room froze. It was as if someone had touched a pause button to stop the normally active CSIs from their everyday activities.

Grissom began to sweat. He knew he only had a few seconds before—

Oh. Shit.

Everyone in the room suddenly lunged for the chocolate bar at the same moment. Their hands touched simultaneously, and they fought tooth and nail for a taste of the prize. That is, until something changed.

The scene became blurred, like a bad children's watercolor painting of Crime Lab. It reminded Greg vaguely of the painting he had done only last week, but the thought was swept away as he felt a hard tug, like a hook, behind his navel.

The CSIs landed with a thunk on the hard ground, still duking it out over the candy bar. Finally, the feminists won, as feminists are wont to do. They stood together off to the side, hunched over the delicious treat while the Greg cried, Warrick swore, and Nick punched things.

Then, Grissom remembered to wonder what had happened. Some CSI he was.

They had landed in front of a huge castle, shimmering in the morning light. Behind them was a misty lake, with a single tentacle reaching out of the water seductively.

It was the setting…for romance.

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Bwahahaha. I think we're geniuses, but that's just me. More chapters to come. Maybe even tonight. Who knows? We'll write it when we feel like it. We're looking forward to your reviews!