Disclaimer: I own nothing besides any original characters, Joss and Mutant Enemy are the lucky ones.
Summary: Spike can't live with Buffy breaking off their tryst; and she's forced to show him that his unlife is worth living.
Pairings: Spuffyish
Warning: This story will likely be broken up into several parts. This first part will definitely not be Spuffy in the romantic sense of the word.
Chapter One: Goodbye Summers
Outside Spike's Crypt
'Okay Buffy, one foot in front of the other.'
She knew this would be hard; not just because their relationship wasn't exactly something that you could end gracefully. This would be hard because deep down in the pit of her stomach she knew it wouldn't end here, not for him. No matter how resolute she was that it was over he'd fight to keep her; part of her actually felt warmth at that thought. That's why she'd been drawn to him in the first place. Knowing his devotion to her would allow her to be herself around him. She knew that Spike would except whatever crumbs she was willing to give him for as long as she was willing. But it wasn't fair to either of them to keep going this way.
She had realized somewhere along the way that although Spike was a demon; he loved more deeply than probably any man she'd ever known. But no matter how soft he could be when they were alone, he was still a demon without a soul. Regardless of the fact that when he was inside her she felt like the only woman in the world; he was still a demon without a soul. And even though there were times she could see the man he'd been before he was turned; he was still a demon without a soul.
And the reason she had to end it now was because that excuse was starting to be less and less of a mantra and more proof that he was special. She had to end it now before what she had started to feel for him became love.
"Here we go."
Spike's Crypt - Lower Level
'Gotta say mate, 'm surprised at you, letting yourself get so whipped. Did you actually expect this to pan out. Stick with your strengths William; fight, shag, steal, and shag.'
But he had to do something, didn't he? Not like he could just sit back while Buffy toiled her life way in that sodding grease trap. Girl as bright as her should be going to college, so one day slaying was what she did after a workday to relieve stress. Him and her stalking through cemetaries killing beasties; confiding in him about which people at work she'd secretly like to slay.
'Right, even if your great plan had worked, how would you have given her the cash? No way she'd except anything but cold comfort from the likes of you.'
He'd have found a way, even if it meant enlisting the help of Red or somehting. Have her set him up with a false identity; then claim to be the council giving her a paycheck. Anything to save her from that soul crushing gig. Spike took a look at the damage Captain Cardboard had done during his oh-so brief visit. Kicking at a loose piece of rubble he was surprised to find Buffy standing not so far off from him.
"So she's back. Thought you'd be off snogging with soldier-boy."
"He's gone."
"So, you come for a bit of cold comfort? The bed's a bit blown up, but then, that was never our..."
"I'm not here to..."
He knows then that something's different as he looks at her; but he wills his face to stay straight. Unwilling to show any emotion less she think him a ponce.
"And I'm not here to bust your chops about your stupid scheme, either. That's just you. I should have remembered."
"So this is worse then, is it, this is you telling me..."
"It's over."
"I've memorized this tune, luv. Think I have the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want."
"I know that. I do want you. Being with you ... makes things ... simpler. For a little while."
"I don't call five hours straight a little while."
"I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just ... being weak, and selfish..."
'Looks like the end of the ride Willy, do remember to leave the way you came.'
"Really not complaining here."
" ...and it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry ... William."
She lingers longer than she had planned, she wants him to understand that she's doing what's best for both of them. They can never have more than this because of what he is, not who he is. As she turns and makes her way towards the ladder she wills the voice in her head to be quiet. Because what it's saying goes against everything she's wanted since she first met Angel.
'If Spike had been the one to be cursed than...'
She tries to convince herself it's not true, but if he had been the stranger she met; than losing his soul wouldn't have ended like it did with Angel. He would have still loved her and fought to be a good man.
'What troubles you more is knowing that Spike wouldn't have been so hard to make happy. Having your heart would have meant more to him than your body.'
She reaches the ladder and puts her foot on the first rung ready to climb up when she hears it. Unlike vampires her hearing isn't all that effected by being the slayer. She almost keeps climbing, just because she's not sure she can face him again. But the almost inaudible cry is too much for her heart to bare. She wont allow herself to love him, she can't allow him into her heart.
'You owe him this much, after everything he's done for you, tell him the truth. Let him know that you care too much to hurt him anymore.'
She steps off the ladder and slowly makes her way back into the make shift bedroom. He's moved farther back towards the tunnels and is sitting with his back to the wall, he can't see her from where she's at and it's probably for the best. Because she has to hold her hand over her mouth to keep from calling out to him. He's opened one of his conveniently placed bottles and is taking healthy gulps from it as the tears trickle down. He's trying not to make noise but every few seconds he mutters something unintelligible or hiccups.
She almost decides to leave then; because he's not in any state to be comforted. He's not the kind to relinquish pain so easily and he doesn't owe her conscience any rest. She takes one last look at him and starts to turn away when she notices him fishing through the junk on the ground for something. As his hand comes up her frown turns into shock when she sees the scrap of wood. Not pointy enough to be a stake even she would have to strain to get it through the breast plate of a vamp. Her throat closes as she starts towards him, unable to yell or plead she's forced to watch as he extends his arm out and with his eyes closed whispers one last word.
"Buffy."
As his arm starts towards his heart she uses all of her power to spring through the air, praying she reaches him in time.
'Please Spike, don't.'
A/N: Let me know what you think; this story is gonna be my trial of Buffy for how she treated Spike in S6.
