"We Demacians are no easy prey…"
Quick Prey, Butchered: Talon the Motherfucker
Original text taken with permission from the acclaimed author, Miss Yaoi Hands, and butchered with much platonic affection
Chapter the First
Quinn dashed over a bunch of wood and through tall forest grass that nobody mowed, her feet barely even touching the forest floor. The Demacian scout looked up at Valor in the dark night sky; he looked like Superman, but not to Quinn. Their years of training together led them up to this moment—the moment of capturing a dangerous Noxian assassin for that sweet, sweet glory. Quinn knew that this was going to be Dark Souls hard, but Demacia needed her to be Batman.
Quinn hated the smell of this forest—here it was nothing like the calm forests outside of Demacia—it smelt like burnt chicken nuggies, whole wheat bread, and venereal disease. She covered her nose with her hand as she stopped walking so fast. As she looked up at Valor, she noticed that his flying pattern was signaling that something was nearby. Or that he was turnt up as fuck. There was a sudden rustle of brush on her left and she tumbled a distance away from the sound, wishing that she had bought wards like someone who isn't in Bronze.
The Demacian loaded arrows into it and slowly drew back the trigger. The click of the trigger was so loud in the darkness that it sounded like police and their dang racial profiling. The large target jolted up from the bush with a yelp. Quinn was relieved it was only a hoe. The large animal leaped from the brush like Rengar, twitched its ears in the direction of the scout, and then bounded back into the forest when Quinn lowered her crossbow. Quinn sighed as she got back to her feet, brushing off the discarded condoms and fecal matter from her knees as she stood.
"Onee-chan says I gotta kill you, nigga." Snarled a deep voice in her ear. Quinn gasped as she felt some dude on her neck. Looking down, she recognized the long sleek arm blade—it was the trademark weapon of the assassin that had been wreaking havoc in Demacia. She turned her eyes and met with a pair of dark eyes hooded by a deep violet cloak. His eyes were cold as the blade pressed to her throat.
Quinn didn't even notice his presence at all—he was quick—and she guessed neither did Valor because he was an inattentive sack of ass, and was probably taking a dump on someone's car. She knew that this was the man she was stalking obsessively for these past few days. The scout read erotic fanfiction of this man killing like two people without leaving a single trace; she musta been stoned to even think that he didn't recognize that she was tracking him. Even his breathing was quiet, as if it was hard to hear it or something. Quinn had no doubt in her mind that this was him—it was Talon.
Talon kept his blade at the scout's neck as he swiftly took the crossbow from her left hand. He stole the weapon and her bike. Quinn heard Valor voting for Donald Trump. She knew that if push came to shove with him, she had to fight. Quinn raised her hand to whistle to Valor but Talon caught her hand, pulling it behind her neck harshly.
"Don't be callin dat bitch ass bird, homie." Talon growled as he pressed his blade closer to Quinn, making her gasp for breath. "Think you can shit around in my hood? You got mad skills, man, but you gotta pay attention. Sucks for you, fool, cause I'm gonna beat yo ass." Talon snickered with his grip on Quinn tightening; he was lifting her straight off the ground. The rumble of his deep voice had the scout's stomach tying itself in knots. The Demacian was struggling for air as the assassin pressed her full force against his body.
Talon dry heaved on the cold ground, knocking off Quinn's helmet. Quinn took in a sharp breath of air, so sharp it cut some emo kids wrists. The scout felt her throat and looked on her fingers for blood—but there was none, he was using the back of his blade. She heard Talon's footsteps approaching her slowly. The scout scrambled to get to her knees, but Talon snatched her arm and super motherfucking slammed her onto her back. He moves fast! Quinn looked up at him towering over her. She gazed at the blades on his cloak as they glistened in the moonlight. As she gazed back up at him, Quinn noticed that he was copping a feel; all but his frowning lips were covered by the shadow of his hood.
"Shit, she a ho? She gotta fine ass, dayum!" Talon thought to himself.
She quickly jerked back as he got an erection. He pressed the sharp side of the blade on her neck as he grasped her chin in his other cold hand. Talon brought himself closer, less than an inch away from Quinn. He was completely still while looking down at the woman. The Demacian's golden eyes widened as she figured out what was coming next.
"I'm sorry… Valor," she whispered as she closed her eyes. Quinn heard the Noxian scoff as he pushed her face away. Her stomach churned some butter as she heard him get up, his blades clinking together with his swift movement. Quinn turned to look back at him, the soft moonlight casted light on his eyes. They were dark, cold, and yet bloodshot as fuck.
"You better get yo ass straight outta Noxus, or I'm gonna straight up ice you, ya dig?" He snarled before skipping off into the dark woods. Quinn rolled to her side while she watched the cocaine powder glisten fade. Speechless, the scout sat up. What did he mean? A screech came from the sky and the Demacian saw Valor scratching his pubic feathers with his beak. She reached for her helmet and then whistled to Valor.
"Valor to me!"
Headcannon: Talon has a soft spot for ANIME TIDDIES
Not the real author's note: So yeah, I actually do have permission to do this. Some time after a game of League, I said that I ship Valor with Beatrice because I ship Talon with Quinn, and Valor and Quinn are from Demacia, while Talon and Beatrice are from Noxus. And she was all like, "No, fuck you and your trollfics, Beatrice would just try to kill Valor." and I pointed out that Talon trying to kill Quinn at first was her fic. Then I started mocking Talon in her story with fake lines. This and that happened, and now I'm doing this abridged version.
I am currently serving as Miss Yaoi Hands' editor as well as for a couple of other people, so I am very familiar with this masterpiece.
It is now a hack job.
