IV Songs

a songfic by: Ninetails

Part 1: Breakdown

You called yesterday, to basically say

That you care for me but, that you're just not in love

It's Valentine's Day. There were loads of gifts on my bed from my schoolmates. I feel a silly smile creeping on my face as I gaze out of my window. Hiei. Just thinking of my lover wants me to burst out in a fit of giggles. I feel all giddy and foolish and light-headed. It's still early, just a few minutes past six. I stirred my brain for something to do while waiting. I got out of my bed and went to my laptop. I turned it on and stared at the blank screen. 'What was I supposed to be doing again? Oh, the Science Month Essay. Well, better work on it while I'm still not so distracted.' As I was working, my mind drifted, naturally, to Hiei. It was only last night when he proposed his love for me. 'Well, he didn't say "love" exactly, but his words came very near it.' I heave a sigh, trying to smother the doubts that slither into my brain. "God you stupid youko, why do you still distrust him? For Hiei to even hint it is the same as spilling his guts to you. What more could you ask for?" I chastised myself.

After turning off the screen, I went back to the comfort of my futon. I heaved another sigh as I burrowed comfortably into the sheets. I pulled a little box out of its place in my drawer. It was a necklace. An elaborate thing, with an intertwined fox and dragon as pendant. It would look very nice on my lover's muscled, compact, sexy...the list went on and on... chest. 'Hmm, Hiei.' As if my thoughts summoned him, I sensed a dark ki come into my room and the shadow manifested itself into the image of my Koorime. "Hiei!!!" I quickly bounded to him but stopped inches from him when I saw a crease on his forehead. I quickly sensed something was wrong and I asked this of him. "Shade of my heart, what bothers you?" I asked, putting my fingers to his cheek. All he gave me for a reply was a little grunt. "Koi, so nice of you to give me a call. Why did you come?" I asked, playing dumb to the occasion. I sat back down on the edge of my bed and looked at him expectantly. I was sure he would forget this ningen tradition but a tendril of hope bloomed in my heart with the thought that he didn't forget our first Valentine's Day as lovers after all. I shouldn't have ignored that small uneasiness for I didn't expect the course of events that happened. My lover hunched down in front of me, took my hands in his small ones and blurted out, "Kurama... we're through." I realized that my mouth gaped in shock and I quickly schooled my face into what I thought was a neutral expression. "Na-nani? You're kidding, right? You..." "Kurama, I told you, we're off. I'll be going to Makai. Don't follow me there. We may never see each other again." He must have seen something in my face for he said, "Look fox, I know you care for me but not enough for a commitment. We still are friends," he finally muttered. I felt my heart wrench and was afraid I was going to faint.

Immediately I pretended to be feeling similarly And led you to believe I was okay

To just, walk away from the One thing that's unyielding and sacred to me...

"Y-yes, right. Tomo," I managed to say, with my voice hoarse and my throat dry. "I- I mean, we still are b-best friends and all and--and... why?" I tried to steel myself for the answer and my fire demon said, "I just don't want to have a commitment anymore. I know that you don't want it too so..." 'Don't want a commitment, Inari!' I mouthed silently, 'That's what I'm hoping for from you ever since I first saw you, fire demon.' He finally got up and was about to leave, but hesitated as he saw the sickly expression on my face. "Kurama, are you..." "Yes, yes I'm fine, hontou. Just a little headache." With a final look, my beautiful Koorime flitted away into the dark.

So what do you do when somebody you're so devoted to

Suddenly just stops loving you, and seems they haven't got a clue. Of the pain and rejection they're putting you through

When his ki was finally gone from my senses, I crumpled into a tiny ball at the foot of my bed. I braced myself for my outburst but the tears didn't come. I was numb from shock and pain. I sat there for what seemed like hours. I stared at emptiness, putting my hands around me and rocking myself for some comfort. 'He had no idea. He was totally oblivious of the hurt and denial he brought me. And yet... I don't feel mad at him.' I couldn't be mad at Hiei, ever. I tried to cultivate some belief that everything would turn into a joke back into my heart but I knew it was hopeless. I climbed back into bed and stared at my ceiling. Everything became blurred, but still, the tears didn't come. Slowly, my eyes slid down and sleep came.

Do you cling to your pride, and sing 'I will survive'?

Do you lash out and say, 'How dare you leave this way'?

I had feverish dreams that night. One vivid dream pictured me on top of a hill. Then on the next hill, I saw Hiei's form. I felt ready to choke but then my face became steel, as hard and as expressionless. I spoke to him, or tried to, for first the words wouldn't come. Then on my second attempt, I finally forced out the words; "I will go on living my life without you, Hiei! Now that you're out of my life, I'll be so much better!" But no matter how loud or how noisy I bellowed, Hiei never stirred. Then, a noise came to my ears. Laughter. Low and menacing, almost like a growl. Then I gave a start as I realized who was laughing and seemingly at me. Hiei! Then another shape loomed up beside him. Taller, slender and feminine. Mukuro. Then she joined Hiei in laughter. Then she put her arms around my Koorime and kissed him! I couldn't take it any longer. I screamed.

Waking up, with my red hair clinging all over my face and my shirt coated with sweat, I looked around. No hills, no Mukuro... no Hiei. I went to my closet and pulled out a dry shirt and changed. I padded back to my bed and settled down once more, praying to Inari-sama that I'll have at least a dreamless sleep.

I knew I was dreaming again, but I couldn't seem to wake up to get out of the dream. I was in Mukuro's palace, walking along endless corridors. As to where my destination is, I have no idea. All I know is that I have to go on and on and on. The corridor I was following seemed to veer to the right so I went right. Then a door suddenly sprang up in front of me, inches away from my nose. Before I knew I was moving for the knob, the door was open. Inside was a sea of endless black lit only by a single candle. Directly below that candle were two figures. A step closer and I was able to identify them. Hiei and Mukuro, no surprise there. What wrenched at my heart was that they were making love like tomorrow's the end of the three worlds! I couldn't help it. I seemed to see red, to find out it was Hiei's eyes, glowing in the never-ending darkness, I was looking at. I whipped out my rose whip and thrashed it at them. I realized that I was yelling, not words, just a loud, open-mouthed yell, the whole way to the two intertwined figures. They attacked me too, of course. The whole scene seemed to slow down, like a movie played in slow motion, but it seemed an eternity. Finally, Hiei pierced me with his katana. There was a smile on his beautiful face; a smile of triumph. I gurgled, trying to speak. Then a weak voice came out of my throat. "Hi-Hiei... why?... how dare you leave me this way? I thought... I" That was all that I managed to say before he buried the katana straight through my chest.

When I opened my eyes, a faint, pinkish light peeked through the horizon. There was nothing to do but sleep. I laid my head down on my pillow, wondering what dream will haunt me next.

Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away?

I was in my room. 'Good,' I thought wryly. 'Maybe now I am safe from those nightmares.' I turned towards the window and I saw a small shape crouched on the sill. The scenes from earlier tonight replayed itself in this dream. I saw myself touching the gift that was for Hiei, acting all giddy and lightheaded. I saw myself writhing about with pleasure when I saw Hiei come. Then I saw the hurt that issued on my face as Hiei spoke. 'That's when he told me that we're through, Inari-did I look like THAT?' I thought. But suddenly, actions that I didn't do seemed to unfold in this particular dream. My hand shot out to hold Hiei's fleeting form, and to my dream-image's relief, I caught Hiei's wrist. He turned to me then, full of disgust on his face. He tried to pry his wrist free from my iron-grip. "Get your filthy hands off me, you hideous, repulsive youko! I never want to see you again! Do you hear me, Kurama, or have you gone deaf? Hands off, I said!" he shouted at me. "Hiei, please! We could be happy together. I promise, I won't do anything to hurt you or displease you. I love you!..." I tried to tell him but he drew out his katana and he threatened me, the sharp blade cutting the skin of my neck. I felt warm blood trickling down to my shirt as I gazed up at him. "H-Hiei, I love..." "Shut up, baka!" and with those last words, I felt the katana gorge through my neck. I tried to scream, when I looked at him, there was a manic grin on his face. "Nooo..." was all I was able to get out before the dream winked out of existence and I woke up.

So I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it.

And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you

I sat up in bed, staring out, at what, I don't know. Harsh light hurt my eyes and I winced, trying hard to get used to the sunlight. I went to my bathroom and looked at myself at the mirror. I almost didn't recognize myself, my fiery hair stuck out in all directions; my emerald eyes were rimmed with scarlet veins, all puffy and red; my skin was damp and blotchy... I looked grotesque! I turned on the hot water and shrugged out of my dress, the cloth sticking SOGGILY to my body. After taking a not-so-rejuvenating bath, I got a brush and tried to untangle my hair of the mess it was in, the red strands so disheveled that it seemed like a tornado whirled around in it. After an exhausting minute trying to detangle a particularly vicious knot, I dried myself and put my uniform on. I tried to whistle and hum a happy, silly tune, just to make me smile. All that got out was a hoarse wheeze. I steeled myself, Shiori-san will surely know something was wrong if she took one look at my face. Plastering what I hope was a happy smile on my face, I went downstairs, ready for the day.

I ate breakfast, or tried to. I attempted to eat my whole meal, but it tasted like ash, so I excused myself and put my half-eaten meal on the sink. Thankfully, kaasan let it pass and didn't ask questions. She did ask me if I was feeling well and if I could eat more. I went out of the house and walked to school. The day seemed to crawl; classes were held, some tests were handed out, I didn't really pay much attention. There were clubs to attend to. I didn't want to go but I was president or one of the officers that I couldn't pass. I tried to act all normal and chipper, but it seemed to work only a little. Fellow students and teachers alike commented on my pale face, asking if I need to go to the clinic or some such foolery. I hastily declined offers of escorts to the clinic, mostly given by females. To avoid the same scene, I went out of my way to be happy and enthusiastic. I acted like a vivacious fool in the Science Club meeting, telling all the science-related jokes I knew and splattering out an encyclopedia of facts about echinoderms and crustaceans and cephalopods, DNA's and molecules, etc. Then, in the Student Council meeting, I acted like a half-crazed disciplinarian, telling the don'ts and do's the Council should ensue. I went in the Editorial Room for an interview. I spent about two hours in there, answering questions about what my parents' names are and if what I want more is ice cream or chocolate and where could I find time to study and other nonsense. I bared with it a trifle impatiently. After all, they're just doing their jobs; though why would anyone want to learn my life story is a wonder, I was a pretty boring ningen after all.

But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind. Underneath the guise of a smile, gradually I'm dying inside

Finally, finally, I was able to escape. I went for a little walk at the park and hurriedly went away as memories of Hiei and I showed itself in every corner. I went into a restaurant and ate ice cream. Then I stopped when I found out that I was eating Hiei's favorite flavor. Grumbling, I went to a friend's house, scolding myself that I wouldn't think about that certain fire demon. My friend set up the family videoke and we took turns singing. My mind suddenly conjured up a picture of the Koorime, his first and last attempt to sing at the videoke in my room. Feeling nauseous, I said goodbye to my friend and readied myself to go home. I was ready to scream! 'Why am I so fixated and obsessed with that fire demon?' When he asked me if I was feeling fine, I hastily said yes, plastering a big, wide smile on my face. "Ja ne, Kureii! See you tomorrow at school!" I told him enthusiastically, feeling my face was about to split with the fake smile on it. I went home the long way. As I was walking along the street, couples loitered all around me. Their silly smiles and shy looks all pierced through my heart. The love shining in their eyes would never shine on mine, it was all dying embers. I felt numb, pain was eating at my heart. Maybe this is how it feels to be slowly passing away.

Friends ask me how I feel, and I lie convincingly

'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering

I hurriedly climbed the steps to Genkai-baasan's temple. The gang was having a party and I was running late. The scare of seeing Hiei dragged at my feet; but the excitement of seeing him again put wings on my feet, boy was I going mad! Reaching the door, I swept it aside to reveal a mad scene. Yuusuke was wrestling with Kuwabara, Botan was egging them on while Yukina was pleading for them to stop. Keiko was helping Genkai with the food while the latter was shouting something at the two struggling figures. Sighing, I hurriedly went to the two troublemakers to break up the fight.

After the sumptuous meal, Botan put on a catchy beat and couples started to dance. Yuusuke was pleading with Keiko to dance with him; Yukina swaying gracefully with the music while Kuwabara was jerking awkwardly; and surprisingly, Botan and Koenma were on the dance floor too, dancing the night away. I sat out the dancing part with Genkai, discussing some trivial things and stuff. Suddenly, she turned serious and asked me the question I was loathing to hear. "Kurama, is everything alright between you and Hiei?" she said with a curious smile. 'Inari, why did she have to ask that?! Well, better not put it off any longer and put it out in the open.' "Well, baasan, we're fine, still friends. Why did you ask?" "Oh, nothing. It's just that something tells me there are negative vibes between you two lovebirds. Is anything wrong with your relationship?" "No, baasan, of course not! In fact, there is no relationship." I tried to say it blandly and neutrally but I guess she saw something on my face. "And, how did this come to be? Did you two fight? Did you talk it over?" "Well, more than a month ago, he came to me and said we were through. I tried to talk...(I couldn't keep a hurt note from those words), but he didn't want to. He gave no reason and.. well, that's about the whole story." Several minutes passed with us in total silence. Then finally she said, "Are you alright with it? You love him ('Did she have to say it matter of factly?'), and, I think, that he loves you too. There must be some reason as to why he suddenly pulled this thing off. Maybe you did something to him? (At the shake of my head, she resumed) Well, just remember this, Kurama. I am your friend, we all are," she said, gesturing around the room. "And if you feel sad about this, just tell us. We'll help you through this." "Thank you very much, Genkai-baasan, but no thanks. I feel fine, really. Maybe I still feel something for him but all I feel is friendship, nothing more. Besides, I've never felt better. Thank you for the concern anyway." She looked at me, studying me. She seemed to gaze into my soul. After a few minutes of looking, and me shifting uneasily, she finally let her study of me drop and talked about nugatory things again.

So I wear my disguise 'till I go home at night

And turn down all the lights, and then I breakdown and cry

The night waxed on, until finally, my companions went their own separate ways. Yuusuke and Kuwabara walked part of the way home with me and they asked me almost the same questions Genkai asked. I responded with almost the identical answers that I answered to baasan. After spearing me with a searching look, they finally left me alone. Heaving a sigh of relief, I walked home, feeling wrung out and exhausted. 'Why do they have to ask those questions anyway. I wasn't letting anything slip, was I? I mean, I am acting ordinarily, I think.' Breathing out another sigh, I opened the door and was accosted by kaasan. She ordered me to eat all of my dinner. I tried to protest, saying that I have eaten my fill in Genkai's party but she wouldn't listen. After eating more than was good for me, she commanded me to go to my room, clean, and have a relaxing sleep. I hurriedly complied, wishing to escape her worried eyes.

I went into the bathtub, letting the warm, scented water ease the tightness of my muscles. I stayed there for what seemed like hours. Slowly, I slid down the cloudy depths, closing my eyes tightly. This way, I wouldn't know if I was crying or not. When my lungs seemed ready to burst, I broke out of the water's surface, gasping for air. I stepped out of the bathtub and took a slow shower, letting the jets of water hit my body, feeling its massage like little fingers work wonders to my tired, wound-up body. I turned off the shower and reached for the towel. I dried myself and padded out of the bathroom into my room. After dressing up, I turned off my lamp and burrowed under the covers. "Samui, it's so cold," I murmured, wishing for warm arms to encircle me, wanting Hiei to drive off the cold. I cursed violently, wishing that I didn't think of the one who hurt me that way; wishing he were here with me. Giving up on my obsessed-with view of that blasted fire demon, 'Burn him!' I thought wryly, I snuggled more into my bed. Letting every part of my body relax, I felt sleepy. Suddenly, the image of my fire demon with Mukuro in his arms wafted to my eyes. That did it, I couldn't take it anymore. At daylight, when everything seems bright and happy, my masquerade was easy. But at night, when I'm all alone, there were no things to keep my mind off the Jaganshi. I tried so hard to keep a façade, to act-out to the world that I am happy and contented without him, I really did. But now, all the worries and hurts and pains came crashing down on me. I tried to project to my friends and to the people around me that I am felling fine... but they saw through it. 'Am I so transparent?' I thought I was strong, I am strong, being a youko and all. But this pain, I haven't experienced before. Heck, no one in his right mind would jilt a youko, much less me. 'Why is my youko pride so enormous? Don't they know? Don't they get it that I'm not made of stone, that I don't have a wooden heart? I wish they would leave me alone for just even a day. I wish I'd never met that damn youkai! I wish I've never felt anything for him but friendship!' Then, tears flowed.

Disclaimer and Author's Notes: This beautiful Mariah Carey song ain't mine. I LOVE Breakdown!!! Must explain why I love angsty fics. I think, no, I know I made Kurama too OOC here so sincere apologies to you all!! Keep in mind that I wrote this, like, 4 years ago when I was just 14! I know that a lot of authors in were way younger than me when they started writing but oh well, I write crappy fics anyway so pardon the wrong grammar and such. Wooden heart, hah!