Disclaimer: All characters and recognizable story elements belong to J. K. Rowling.
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Another sorting that's about to start. An hour or so of excitement, as I sort this year's batch of little witching brats into their proper houses. And then it's back to the shelf in the headmaster's office for me. With nothing to do for the rest of the year but compose the next load of inane, cheerfully stupid drivel everyone expects of a sorting song.
Yeah.
Right.
You don't get to be as old and dirty as me, and still be the same as when you were created, all innocent and idealistic.
And don't get me started on the demoralising effects of seeing into all those vapid, stupid, empty little heads of the countless brats I had to sort over the course of my existence. It really gets you down, over the ages. Century after century. You'd think they would change, as the world slowly changes around them. But no. Human nature is pretty much the same as it was then, if slightly more refined.
But the base instincts and desires, the things which drive them … nothing much different there, no. Not at all.
If they only knew how boringly the same they are.
If they only knew what I really wanted to say to them …
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Oh, you may not think I'm pretty,
Of course I'm not, you dolts. It's a miracle I'm still in as good a shape as I'm now. I mean, it's not as if anyone ever bothered cleaning me. After all, that would require someone with common sense amongst the faculty.
But don't judge on what you see,
But does anyone ever listen to my warning? No. Of course not. You see … a hat. Never mind I'm a talking hat, who has seen into the head of every single bloody student since the time of the founders. Nope. Just … a hat. That's what I am. Of course. Right. Sure.
I'll eat myself if you can find
Eew. Just … eew. Why did I put that line in again? I fear I'll have to plead temporal insanity. Gone out of my head … hat? … millinery self out of sheer boredom. After all, it's the same boring shelf day in, day out. That would drive anybody nuts, believe me.
A smarter hat than me.
What can I say, it's simply the truth. I'd pretend to be humble about it, but who's kidding? As far as hats go, I'm king. Trust me. Even if you can't see where I keep my brain!
You can keep your bowlers black,
Because bowlers are for people like our dear 'Minister' Fudge. Which really says it all about bowlers, black or any other colour. Don't trust someone who wears them. They are all Fudged up.
Your top hats sleek and tall,
Well of course. Top hats are pretentious. And so not witchy at all. Any hat dedicated to the delicate art of sorting students for a magical school cannot possibly be any other shape but pointy. I mean, image me with a flat top? Horrible, right?
For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat
And sort you I shall! I'd do some mad cackling at this point, but I'll leave the scaring of students to the ghosts. And in recent years, one Severus Snape. What can I say, he does an excellent job. Unfortunately, hats can't billow, because boy am I envious of that effect ...
And I can cap them all.
Ugh, yes. That's the unfortunate draw-back of my job. I have to sit on your … heads. Now some of those are pretty nice, and clean, and have lovely locks. But some others … eew. Ever heard of shampoo? I'm just lucky the founders included a spell against vermin in my enchantments, or there'd be a serious lice problem in this school after each sorting ...
There's nothing hidden in your head
Unless you are very good at Occlumency, of course. You get some of those now and then, and aren't they a bother. I usually put them right into Slytherin, with the exception of the ones who get stroppy. Those I dump in Hufflepuff, and serves them right, the little tossers. They need a lesson in what's really important.
The Sorting Hat can't see,
Omniscience, thy name is Sorting Hat! Well, aside from the aforementioned annoying Occlumens. Really, some of the things I've seen … fascinating. Scary. Horrible. Horribly mundane. Sometimes I don't know which ones are worse. The ones who don't fit in with the rest because of their personalities or their past experiences, or the ones who will forever be mediocre and utterly uninteresting.
So try me on and I will tell you
Yes, yes, try me on … and I will try you. I'll tell you where to go, and sometimes even why. And I shall always be right, aside from with a certain number of Slytherins and Hufflepuffs. Cough, cough.
Where you ought to be.
Of course this begs the question whether where you ought to be is really the best place for you. Because according to the edicts of our dear founders, I have to sort you where you fit in best … now. Which may not be the best for you little blighters in the long run. Don't blame me, though. Simply following orders here. Mostly.
You might belong in Gryffindor,
Because you are proud like the lion, lazy like the lion, a predator hiding behind a majestic exterior like the lion. You strut about, king of your world, like the lion. Chosen protector, take heed you do not come to see the weak and ailing as your prey instead. Beware of self-righteousness, for it can easily lead you astray.
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Strong and brave, yet all too often also reckless and prejudiced, rushing in where angels fear to tread. A fierce warrior, good-natured and kind, should be your role, sworn defender of the weak. Integrity and honesty should guide your steps. Do not let yourself be blinded by your own light, but seek wisdom and good council from others, even though it should challenge your own views.
Their daring, nerve, and chivalry
You are the bright flame of conviction. You are the fire of purification. Your life is a challenge to do what is right. Yet be kind, be gentle, be the flame that warms, rather than burns. Think well on the meaning of chivalry and noblesse, else you do more harm than good. Beware of letting honour justify the unthinkable, beware of having pride guide your steps down a slippery slope.
Set Gryffindors apart;
Remember that abrasive, self-righteous personalities might serve to keep you apart, as well. You are like the cat at play, unaware of the harm done by sharp claws unsheathed. Beware of preaching your believes with fire and the sword, and putting your will before all others. Else you will live in a narrow world with narrow views. And be so very brave, of course.
You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Because you are underestimated like the badger, tenacious and stubborn like the badger, you work unseen and hidden like the badger. Hard-working and dependable, many think you doormats to be exploited. Do not let them. You are not brave or wise or cunning enough to make it elsewhere, or so they tell you. Do not believe them. Because in truth, it is often others who are not good enough to be a badger.
Where they are just and loyal,
Far too many fear justice, because they yearn to do what they know to be wrong. Few will stay truly loyal beyond self-interest. So treasure the ones who can look further than greed, and strive for justice and fairness for us all. Yet remember loyalty needs to be earned, and cannot be one-sided if it is to endure.
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true
Do not undervalue patience. Too many want to eat their cake now, and yet want to keep it, too. But how much greater the reward if they would only wait? How far more satisfying the outcome if they truly involved themselves, and did not seek to only reap what they never sowed? Treasure the patient gardener, who tends to the beautiful fruits of the earth. Be true to thyself, and do not bend to the pressure of others.
And unafraid of toil;
Why do so many fear toil, and look down on the ones who embrace it? What is wrong with hard work, and getting one's hands dirty? I would love to have hands to get dirty, if you catch my meaning. But of course, to all those infantile minds, work is boring. Work is what the boring adults do. Never mind they are here to be moulded into adults in the first place. That is the whole point of education. And by that definition, you boring badgers are quite ahead of the rest.
Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
Because you are proud like the eagle, sharp-eyed like the eagle, a predator hiding behind a majestic exterior like the eagle. Yet your prey is learning and knowledge. But those of you truly wise, will realise knowledge alone is not enough. You need to fly free of restrictions, leave the hide-bound behind. And if you truly wish to be the king of the air, like the eagle, strive to not disappoint those who look up to your wisdom.
If you've a ready mind,
One that is open, and does not believe it knows better than the rest. Do not fall into the trap of superiority. Do not look down on others because your intellect may fly higher than theirs. For if your head is stuck in the clouds, you will be as blind as the rest. A keen gaze, and an eye for the truth is what you should have. But do not disregard what cannot be openly seen, for the earth hides many secrets from your eyes. Take care not to overreach yourself, for the higher you soar, the deeper you may fall.
Where those of wit and learning,
Learning alone does not teach understanding. What may be found in the recordings of others cannot compare to the knowledge gained of experience. Both wit and learning are nothing but dead blooms if you hide them in darkness, and find no use for them. Without purpose, they are but an empty shell. What eagle could find true happiness if he binds himself in secrecy, and hoards his knowledge with the jealousy of a dragon?
Will always find their kind;
Welcome those who are different, because they enrich us. Only through strife can there be advance, and each thesis needs its antithesis to reach synthesis. An exchanging of minds can bring forth far more riches than lonely study ever will. Treasure those like yourself, even though you may disagree. For they are the only ones who will ever truly understand the need and the drive and the satisfaction of knowledge gained.
Or perhaps in Slytherin,
Because you are misjudged like the snake, secretive and evasive like the snake, and far more than the obvious, like the snake. Cold on the surface, yet there could be no ambition without passion. Cunning and manipulation needs knowledge and understanding. To overlook what lies underneath is as deadly as the snake in the grass stepped on unwittingly.
You'll make your real friends,
Self-serving and sly, yet gracious and generous to those who prove themselves. You present a wall to the outside, and stand united against the world which does not value what it cannot understand. Poisonous yet benign, patron of death and healing alike. Contradiction is your name, misleading your game, your ambition may as easily be to serve as to rule.
Those cunning folk use any means
Because you know how to be ruthless and driven by goals. Because you are subtle and adaptable, and always prepared. Resourceful and determined you follow your vision, always pragmatic and with an eye for the details. Thus the best of you. Yet if you lose sight of the way, there is many a pitfall to make you fail. If cunning and self-preservation becomes the end rather than the means, if ambition and greed blinds you to all else.
To achieve their ends.
If you fail to see the plight of others, if self-reliance becomes a rigid armour, if leadership turns into tyranny, you will be remembered as the worst of the worst. Beware of letting your goals justify any means. Beware of your vision turning narrow and inwards. Beware of being loyal only to yourself. Beware of seeing others as things to be manipulated like dolls on a string. Because you might be great, yet even the greatest tyrant is still nothing but a tyrant.
So put me on! Don't be afraid!
No need to be afraid, not much anyway. At least I can guarantee you won't catch lice. And go to a house you will, and mostly you will be right as rain there. What happens next? Why, that is up to you little buggers. It's not as if I'm responsible for what you do with what you are given.
And don't get in a flap!
Unless you are far too complex, and no matter where you go, you will find yourself limited. Don't blame me, though. I had a word or two with the founders, or two-thousand even, but would they listen? Of course not. Let's split our people into four separate parts, they cried, and as they decreed, so I continue to do.
You're in safe hands (though I have none)
But don't I wish I had. There's quite a few people I'd love to slap silly, if only I had hands. So much talent, wasted. So much ambition, misguided. So much blindness, so much hatred, so much prejudice. So many things wrong with this world, and all I can give you is a silly song.
For I'm a Thinking Cap!
Because for all the thoughts I think, there is no-one who will listen to them. But who knows, maybe you'll be the one to put me on again, to question my judgement or your own wishes. And what I will tell you is this: That was then, and this is now. Everything changes and nothing stands still.
And you could not step twice into the same river.
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AN: This hat is snarky and sarcastic. This hat is jaded and bored. This hat is also wise and philosophical, because it has had hundreds of years to think on the defining characteristics of the houses, and the pitfalls that go with them. Which is why there was a definite change in tone of voice when it came to the houses in particular. Oh and the last two sentences are quotes from the Greek philosopher Heraclitus.
You may also wonder how some people ended up in their respective houses, if the hat actually had such views and criteria. However, in some cases it may be a matter of not sorting them where they fit well, but where they will be the least misfits. Like say, Crabbe and Goyle. Now they are definitely not Ravenclaw material. And if they aren't brave, and perhaps also lazy and self-serving, where else could the hat put them but in Slytherin? Even though one cannot really accuse them of being subtle or cunning, either.
I went back and changed the Gryffindor section, as the original did not have much good to say about that house. Personally, I still find bravery rather lacking as a main defining characteristic. The same goes for honour and noblesse, because frankly those concept are rather undefined in my opinion. I mean, some pretty horrible deeds were justified in the name of honour over the course of history. Still, I hope I made the section more positive overall. But well, I am simply no Gryffindor myself. I guess it shows.
This will be a collection of one-shots, so while this will be marked as complete, there will be further instalments. And if anyone has a request or suggestion for a particular sorting, well, maybe my muse will oblige.
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