Title: The Home for Tragic Heroes
A/N: This was a originally a one-shot, written to amuse myself, and others, at band camp. But nothing ever goes the way we want it to, now does it? I introduced a friend of mine to anime during a jazz camp, and her first reaction to seeing most of the main characters was something along the lines of "Oh wow, they must need a lot of therapy." This insight made a lot of sense to me, and I said to myself: "Self, how would you like to write a horrible OOC fanfic about therapy?" Naturally, I agreed with myself, because I always have the best ideas. So, in short, if you don't like this, blame Mountain Dew, acoustic basses, and the phrase "this one time, at band camp..."
Disclaimer: Of course I own Naruto, Gundam Wing, Yu Yu Hakusho, Rurouni Kenshin, Full Metal Alchemist and Ranma ½! Yup, all mine. cough They totally belong to me. twiddles thumbs
Chapter 1: The Arrival
Welcome To Nori-chan's Home For Anime Heroes With Major Issues!
"Hn." Uchiha Sasuke commented dryly as he was escorted through the doors of said establishment. Sasuke, like many other characters in this story was sent to Nori-chan's for EXTENSIVE court ordered therapy. In Sasuke's case his "crime" was the attempted murder of his former teammate Uzumaki Naruto. Sasuke's efforts had left Naruto brain-dead, and the villagers welcomed it as a change for the better.
As the officer took the handcuffs off of Sasuke, he took time to look around. The "home" was like nothing he had ever seen before. The reader would recognize it as a large Victorian era mansion with grounds roughly the size of a tiger preserve. To Sasuke, from the apartment riddled Konoha, it just looked weird.
He was seated in a rather uncomfortable wooden chair facing the most foreboding looking wooden desk he had ever seen. However, its imposing terrifying-ness was completely negated by the personage seated at it. "Greetings, Uchiha Sasuke, and welcome to my home," chirped a rotund forty-ish looking woman. She wore thick framed glasses and had long, rather unbecoming brown hair. "I'm Nori, and if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask." Sasuke smiled. This was going to be easier than he thought. He focused his attention back on Nori, who was now pointing out events on some sort of social calendar. "The ones with stars are mandatory, with a penalty if you skip. You look like a smart boy Sasuke, I'll be expecting you to make good decisions while you are here. If you don't..." At this, Nori's eyes narrowed dangerously, "I have the court's permission to deal with you as I see fit." "Whoa," Sasuke thought as he was escorted out of the office "...that was kinda creepy."
Once situated in his room, Sasuke sat cross-legged on his uncomfortable institution-issue mattress and read over his schedule. To his amusement, he noticed that group therapy, a starred activity, had started five minutes ago. He decided it wasn't worth it to show up late and flopped back on his bed to survey his room. A wall unit held a chest of drawers and a mirror, and an AM/FM radio, an antiquated piece of technology Sasuke wasn't quite familiar with. In the corner of the room was a door that led, Sasuke supposed, to the bathroom. Next to his bed was a similar mattress, but in a slightly more disheveled state. Sasuke assumed that it belonged to his roommate. The walls were painted a bland white, with almost a puke green undertone.
Sasuke closed his eyes, partially to ponder his current situation, but mostly to keep the awful color from scarring his optical nerves too badly. He had barely started to meditate when the door burst open. There stood Nori, hair blown back by some frenzied invisible wind, eyes ablaze. "UCHIHA SASUKE!!!!" she thundered in a voice her tiny, pudgy frame didn't look like it was capable of producing. "WHY ARE YOU NOT AT THERAPY!?!?!?!" Sasuke cleared his throat to try to make his defense. "NO TALKING, SPINELESS WORM!" Nori bellowed, eyes shooting sparks. "Therapy is a starred event, and starred events are MANDATORY!" Sasuke yawned, and surveyed his room once more.
"YOU BETTER LISTEN, YOU MANGY WEASEL WITH A HANG-OVER! I OWN YOUR LIFE FOR THE NEXT FOUR MONTHS! Now," Nori continued in a slightly friendlier tone, "I'm terribly sorry, but I'm going to have to punish you for this. Come with me please!" Sasuke stared at her in shock. She must be crazy. No one in their right minds would willingly follow her to a punishment, like a lamb to a slaughter. "Crazy bitch is gonna have to catch me first!" He thought triumphantly, and in a stunning display of aerial ninjutsu...
....ended up in a headlock as Nori dragged him down the hall towards the back entrance.
I mentioned before that the reader might compare the grounds of the Home to a tiger preserve. In actuality, that's exactly what is was. This tiger preserve contained several hungry, and not oft fed, Bengal tigers, each with a hankering for human flesh. Sasuke had no way of knowing this, and consequentially was slightly less terrified than he ought to be.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The participants in group therapy were temporarily distracted as a child with dark hair streaked by the window, covered in raw meat. One of the patients couldn't resist a laugh. "Baka must have got off on the wrong foot with Nori..." Then, as if this happened every day, which it often did, therapy resumed as usual.
Needless to say, Sasuke wasn't feeling to perky later that evening. Nursing his stub of a pinky and various other war wounds, he was not in a mood for visitors. Which is why his first encounter with his roommate involved a lot of swearing.
"AAAA, get off me!" exclaimed the boy angrily as Sasuke realized, in a flash of brilliance, that this might be his roommate and relented. "Sorry," Sasuke muttered, and returned to his cross-legged spot on the bed. "Dear god, not another Heero," grumbled the boy to himself, brushing off the front of his black shirt and adjusting his long brown braid. Once he had deemed himself presentable he approached the other boy with a smile. "I'm Duo Maxwell, and you must be Uchiha Sasuke. What are you in for?"
Not looking up, Sasuke grumbled "attempted murder," and went back to gazing at his lack of pinky. Duo waited a few seconds before realizing he wasn't going to get a perky "and what are you here for, buddy?" back, and decided to forge ahead in his preplanned speech as though such an exchange had indeed occurred.
"They locked me up in here for insanity. I guess murder too, but mainly insanity. I'm the God of Death, you know!" He accompanied this proclamation with a little dance. Sasuke yawned. Duo didn't give up though, and continued on with his good natured rambling, while Sasuke planned yet another homicide in his head.
"I'm in for insanity, but if you ask me, Nori-chan's the one that should be locked up. Did you hear what happened to poor Quatre? Well, I guess you haven't yet. He couldn't take it anymore and ran away. They brought him back...as a eunuch. It's a horrible shame, but at least we now have a soprano for our choir." Sasuke remained outwardly calm, but inside his mind was in turmoil. "Choir? Dear god, no!"
A/N: Random? Hell yeah! Funny? I really hope so. Reviews better story, I promise!!
