This was originally a one-shot during season 13, but I abandoned it when I didn't finish it in the week between episodes as I had wanted to. I finished it today instead of working on my other story (which I promise I'll get back to!). I would realllyyy appreciate reviews, and your input of whether this should stay as a one-shot or has potential to be continued.

Alex Cabot walked onto the subway the morning after the completion of a trial with heartbreaking connections to the world she witnessed working overseas. She sighed. One year for rape. At least he was going to jail, and his life would be fucked for a while, before his friends in high places made it like it never happened. One of the many things she learned during her experience in central Africa was that getting something was better than nothing when it came to dealing with violent predators who think they can do as they please.

She opened her email on her phone. They had a new rape case, but not much to go on yet. She had her monthly meeting with Jack McCoy in a couple days; at that she let out an audible sigh, then, moving on, closed her eyes and cursed under her breath.

Veteran Detective Elliot Stabler was officially retiring. Elliot had always been an invaluable member of the team, and a loyal friend. She didn't see how they were going to replace him—whoever it was wouldn't be good enough, not nearly.

And she knew Olivia would take it hard.

She wanted to head straight to the precinct, but the ADA had to spend most of the day at her office, working through lunch on frustrating routine post-trial paperwork and procedures dealing with what's his face hot shot Italian rapist, which was exponentially more complicated due to his non-citizenship and wealth and status abroad.

When she finally walked into the squadroom late that afternoon, she saw Olivia standing at her desk. "Ugh, Liv, today has been awful," she greeted her friend as she would normally. "I've been working non-stop since I got in this morning with this damn Mr. Italy situation."

"Yeah, I bet that's a real pain," she replied distantly, not looking up.

Alex lowered her voice and spoke genuinely. "How are you doing?"

"I'm alright, Alex," came her terse response, sounding annoyed. As Olivia scanned papers and photos on her desk, Alex tried to get through.

"Hey, Elliot's leaving is really shitty, unimaginably so for you, I know that. I hope you know you can talk to me...I'm here, Oli-"

"STOP." The detective interrupted loudly, slamming her files into a folder and snatching it up. She raised her arms rigidly and shook them at Alex. "Just stop. Just drop it, Cabot." She turned away and walked out of the room, leaving Alex standing next to an empty chair, bewildered.

What the hell just happened?

She was still staring somewhat confusedly at the space where Olivia had been, the shock turning to hurt in her mind, until she was brought back out of it by a bright voice moving her way.

"I can update you on the new case, if you like, Ms. Cabot. We haven't formally met—" A hand was offered in introduction; it belonged, Alex noted, to an attractive blonde perhaps 10 years her junior. "I'm the new detective here. Amanda Rollins."

Alex accepted the warm gesture with a weak smile. "Alex."

Xx

After a long day of intense work, the norm for the SVU team, Olivia, John, Fin, Alex and Amanda were out for drinks. Olivia still hadn't even looked at Alex, let alone talked to her. They spent most of the evening remembering moments and series of events from over the years that still held their significance for the group of friends: Trials they won and lost; lives they saved and times they were too late; faces they would never be able to get out of their heads; heated arguments between colleagues(usually Alex and Olivia) that escalated into screaming matches and, amidst much shared joy and strife, turned unlikely teammates into strong friends.

Finally, Fin was the one to ask, "Have you talked to Elliot, Liv?"

"Um." She took a gulp of her beer before sucking in an unsteady breath, as if she was going to cry. "Yeah. I mean, not too much, but…he said after the shooting IAB was going to make him jump through all kinds of hoops and kiss a large amount of ass if he wanted to stay in this unit, or even the force. He said because of all their bullshit it was easier to make a hard decision that he was already considering. Killing a girl who could have been his daughter was another huge burden on top of the pile of guilt and everything else he's been battling for years."

Munch commented, "He was being pushed ever more vigorously and tightly against his breaking point, and was given a way out."

"Yeah…And I'm afraid of what will happen when he's hit with the guilt of taking it." Olivia downed the rest of her bottle and stood up to leave.

Fin turned in his seat and looked at her, lightly touching her arm. "You know we're here to talk and whatever, we all been through a lot of hell together."

In his philosophical manner, John suggested, "It's just a transition, Liv. Let us help you through it."

Olivia pursed her lips and gave a small nod; it was obvious to Alex it wasn't in agreement, but goodbye. "Thanks guys."

The guys left soon after, but Alex had decided that she was going to be there a while. Better to drink and wallow at the bar than drink and wallow alone at home, she reasoned. Amanda moved to the vacated chair next to Alex, and ordered another drink. Though she wasn't able to contribute much to conversation that evening, Amanda came across to Alex as quite charismatic and driven—not unlike herself at her age, which seemed so long ago, yet Alex remembered the time clearly. She was excited to start trying her own cases, and working consistently with the same unit of police, which included a headstrong, shorthaired detective that so unknowingly won her heart.

"Olivia seems to be going through a really hard time."

Alex nodded, taking a big sip of her fresh rum and diet coke. "She and Elliot are really close. They were a great team."

"I saw her snap at you today…that wasn't fair."

"Yeah, well, it's understandable. She just lost her partner, she's gonna be on edge." Alex looked down, nursing her drink. "Maybe I was wrong to approach her so soon."

They sat in silence for a few moments.

"How long have you been in love with her?"

Completely blindsided, Alex jerked her head up. Her heart was racing. "Excuse me?"

Amanda softened her voice slightly but held her stare, her eyes boring into Alex's. "I know what I'm talking about, Alex."

Alex took a step back in her mind. What did she miss? A lot, she realized; having not really had contact at all with Rollins for the African maid case, and Olivia's distance keeping her sufficiently preoccupied throughout their interaction today, Alex hadn't noticed anything about her at all. Now, going back over the past few days she looked at the scenes in which Amanda was present, analyzing her look, her dress, her demeanor, her voice, her stature, her personal presence…she realized she reminded her a lot of her friend Serena Southerlyn.

"You're gay." It was more of a statement than a question. Amanda nodded.

Relaxing a little, she sighed and let herself sink back down slightly. "A long time," Alex let out, taking another sip of her drink. "When I first started working with the SVU about 10 years ago…I quickly had strong feelings for her that I didn't know what to do with. It turned out she did too, but neither of us was at all confident enough to act on them. It went very slow…we did. Everything finally fit into place one night, and we kissed, and it was wonderful. We were talking about having a real relationship, to be together…and then I was shot. The Feds decided it was easiest and safest to proclaim me dead and force me into the protection of anonymity that I didn't want, I never would want. I fought so hard just to be able to say goodbye, and they finally agreed to shut me up. But Elliot had to be there, along with 5 fucking federal agents, and I couldn't say anything I wanted to say, though I didn't really know what that was anyway." There was a pause, in which both women continued drinking. "Sometimes I wondered if it would have been better just to not see her at all."

Amanda responded, "And let the woman you loved believe you were dead? Right after you told each other you were in love and wanted to be together, for you to be gone forever?"

"That's why I demanded to see her that night. I couldn't do that to her. She was supposed to be protecting me…my being snatched away and stashed in Wisconsin with no contact was punishment enough."

Alex didn't know why she was so willingly discussing her most personal history and thoughts with someone she had just met. But it kept coming out.

"I just want to talk to her again. Hold her again. I thought that's what coming back would mean." She sighed slightly, stopped by a pain in her throat like she was going to cry. "But that's stupid, really. Just a few weeks after I came back from witness protection I left again. For fucking Africa."

"I read about how you stood up for women in war-torn areas. Did you not want to go?"

"Of course I did, I wouldn't have gone if I didn't want to, I had had enough of people telling me where I had to be. I was really passionate about it. But also I was scared. Scared that it wouldn't work with Olivia. I mean, I had never had a good relationship before, what if I messed up again?"

"So did you two not talk about your relationship in that short time you were back?"

"Not really. We slept together. I guess we were starting to rekindle our friendship after having not been able to talk for four years. And then there was the case that sparked my desire to go to Africa."

"Did you talk to her about it?"

"Yeah, about how much I wanted to go, how inspired I was, but wasn't sure if it was the right thing. She told me to follow my heart. So I left. But part of my heart was left behind in New York."

Amanda gave a friendly smile. "And now? What's your heart telling you now?"

"It wants Olivia. To finally have her. No more being taken away, or running away. But who knows if she wants me, too. Maybe she's found someone better."

"The way she acted today tells me she hasn't. Her guard is up, hardcore. If she had someone new, someone she loved like you, she would be more chill. My guess is she's always been in love with you. But she's scared to get her heart broken again."

The pain in Alex's throat finally gave way to tears. She rested her elbow on the bar, her forehead in her hand, as they welled up. She felt a hand on her back as she blinked a droplet down into her now empty glass.

"Let me take you home."

Alex sniffed. "But you've been drinking, too."

"There's this thing called taxis."

"Ah, yes, those." Alex said as Amanda took her hand and they started towards the door. "We had a really good make-out session in one once." She stumbled a little as she turned back towards the bar. "My bill…"

"It's on me, I took care of it. Are you alright?"

"Not that drunk. Just…tired."

On the cab ride to her apartment, Alex stared over at Amanda. "So what about you? Is there an equally beautiful woman in your life?"

Amanda giggled a little and flashed a smile. "Not at the moment, no."

As they neared her address, Alex asked, "Care to come up for a bite to eat? I have plenty of leftover Chinese to share."

"Sure, thanks."

They walked up together to Alex's new apartment. "Make yourself at home," she offered. She walked over to the kitchen and grabbed the white take-out boxes out of the fridge.

Alex turned around and the next thing she knew her lips were on Amanda's, and Amanda was returning the kiss. Alex's hand went up to her blonde hair as Amanda put her hand on her waist and pulled Alex into her.

And she went back to when the hair she grasped wasn't bright like hers, but darker, short, with bangs to push up…to reveal an eyebrow that pointed a bit more than the other…above brown eyes that looked at her with passion.

Alex's other hand roamed, feeling Amanda's body, also perfected in the police academy, and kept up as well. She moved her lips down to her neck, and pressed her tongue into warm skin, something she had only fantasized about the whole time she was overseas. She moved her hand up to her chest, and with her body started to guide the other woman backwards towards her bedroom. But she felt a hand push against the front of her hip, separating their torsos.

Alex reluctantly pulled her tongue away from Amanda's neck, not wanting to open her eyes. She heard Amanda trying to subdue her heavy breathing.

"Alex. I can't be your Olivia for the night."

Alex stared at the different beautiful, bold woman in front of her.

Amanda sighed and moved towards the door.

"I'm sorry. Try to get a good night's rest."

She gave half a smile as she walked out.

Alex stared at the closed door for a moment before turning back towards the kitchen. She looked at the food she wouldn't be sharing with anyone.

"Fuck."

And the tears came again.