AUTHOR'S NOTE: I recently lost someone very near and dear to me. It happened earlier this year, but his birthday was on the 23rd of September, and that entire week was a hard one for me. The only writing I did that week was what you will see here, as I tried to work out my own emotions that resurfaced at that time. I have hesitated to share this, but...well...here it is.
P.S. Fuoror is a creation of cystemic on Tumblr, adopted as "Eli's Eli" by our corner of the Thrawn fandom.
Eli stared at the message on his screen, frowning. The coded signature and origination marker indicated that it had come from Thrawn, but the text itself did not make sense. That is, it did not sound like something Thrawn would say, nor in the manner he would speak. Was it code? If so, Eli had no idea how to interpret it.
I have a bad feeling about this.
Should he try contacting him? The last time they had properly communicated, Thrawn had mentioned that he might be incommunicado for some time. A major offensive was looming on the horizon. Which was another reason why Eli was confused by this. Had someone hacked into Thrawn's system? If so, why would they send this message to him? What could it possibly mean?
He supposed it was possible that whoever was on the other end was trying to track him down, to figure out where he was operating, perhaps in the hope of discovering Chiss space. Such an effort, of course, would only end in failure. Eli himself didn't quite understand all the intricacies of the system they had in place to make this communication possible. He just knew that both Thrawn and Admiral Ar'alani had assured him that no one would be able to trace either the origin or the destination of their conversation.
And if it was from Thrawn?
Eli shook his head, subconsciously pushing down the sense of dread that it stirred up in him. Something more was going on here. He was sure of it. Should he bring this message to the admiral? She might have insight that he lacked. With no better idea available, he rose from his seat and went in search of her.
Ar'alani had no better luck than Eli did, even after spending the entire night pouring over every tiny detail of the transmission. When he had met with her in the morning to discuss it, she had mentioned potentially arranging a scouting trip to find out where Thrawn was, exactly, and if he needed assistance. The fact that she was even considering such a mission, after everything, plunged Eli's low-level uneasiness into outright concern, edged with fear. She was clearly worried about something, and if she was worried, then something must truly be wrong.
He could hardly focus on his tasks that morning, as scenario after scenario played itself through his mind and kept him distracted. He should be there. He should be with Thrawn, helping him through whatever it was he was facing. Ar'alani was right. Something was off about this whole thing.
He jumped when Fuoror tapped his shoulder. "I apologize, Crahsystor Vanto," the Chiss said, bowing his head and shifting apprehensively. Eli frowned as that unknown something tugged at him again at the sight of Fuoror's nervousness. "There is a message for you."
"Is it from Th—Mitth'raw'nuruodo?" Eli asked, the question coming out in a rush. He took a deep breath and forced his hands to relax where they had curled into fists at his sides.
"I...do not believe so," Fuoror said with a small frown. "But I am not entirely sure."
Eli shook his head, waving a hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it. I'll take it in my quarters."
Fuoror blinked but nodded. "Of course, Crahsystor."
It took all his self-control to keep from running to his room. Once there, he threw himself into his seat in front of his console and keyed for the transmission to come through. "Commander Eli Vanto," he said, fully expecting a familiar blue face to greet him despite what Fuoror said.
"Eli!" The face and the voice were human, female. "Er, Commander Vanto," Captain Faro corrected herself. "I am glad to see you."
Eli didn't respond right away. He could not help staring at the captain's haggard appearance, the weak smile, the paleness of her skin, the darkness beneath her eyes, the red— "I..." he began, his voice immediately trailing off. His stomach clenched painfully as he fought against being sick.
Something was very wrong.
"Where is he?" he demanded, with a flicker of guilt at the way Captain Faro flinched.
"Eli..."
"No." Eli rose so quickly that his chair fell backward onto the floor with a crash. His mind barely registered it. His mind was barely registering anything. He couldn't. "No. No, no." His head was moving back and forth, but his eyes wouldn't focus on anything. His chest hurt, and he had to tell himself to breathe.
Her face was pinched with pain, and the holoprojector caught the faintest shimmer in her eyes. "Eli," she said again, her voice soft but forced.
"No!" he yelled, pointing accusingly at her flickering hologram. "You tell me where he is. I am already preparing a ship." It wasn't exactly true, but it was close enough given Ar'alani's earlier comment. Faro shook her head. "Stop it," Eli commanded, his hand making a quick cutting motion. "Send me your coordinates. Send me all the information you have. I will take the fastest ship there, and our best crew. Don't argue with me, Faro."
Again she flinched, but then something in her face hardened, and for a moment it looked like she might actually argue with him. But then she sighed, her shoulders slumping. "As you wish, Commander Vanto."
"Thank you." He straightened, forcing a return of composure. "I will see you soon."
Captain Faro nodded. Then her hologram disappeared. Eli waited for a few minutes, fingers tapping impatiently on the console as he awaited the information from Faro. The moment the message arrived, he downloaded it onto his datapad and went off in search of Ar'alani.
The Chimaera and its crew were actually not that far from where Eli had been stationed. It would take a couple days of traveling in the vessel available to them, but Eli held out hope that they would arrive in plenty of time.
Plenty of time for what?
Eli shoved the question aside, blatantly ignoring the fear pressing down on him. The datafile that Faro had sent was larger than he expected, and he had glanced briefly at the list of documents. But he refused to read any of it. He would learn the truth soon enough, and he would rather learn it directly from Thrawn himself. Or, at least, he would read it once he had assured himself that Thrawn was all right, if Thrawn was not in the position of talking right away.
Because obviously something had happened, but of course he would be all right in the end. He had survived near-fatal accidents before, if, indeed, it was as bad as Faro's appearance and air seemed to imply.
And yet, what if...
No. Eli frowned furiously down at the control board, watching the numbers count down as they traveled through hyperspace. No what ifs. Thrawn was fine. He would be fine, once Eli arrived. To doubt at all would display a disturbing lack of trust, and Eli would not allow that.
He shut down his thinking process, only allowing his mind to dwell on the singular activity of watching the countdown and repeating the numbers in his head.
Soon everything would be right again.
He had half expected Thrawn to be among those meeting him at the bottom of the ramp, but it ended up being Faro. Alone. An unusually light welcoming committee, but Eli didn't really mind. In fact, he was rather glad not to have extra eyes on him as he descended, the handful of Chiss who had traveled with him following close behind.
Faro's eyes flicked toward the Chiss, and a slight frown creased her face. But only for a moment. Her gaze was fixed once more on Eli, and he met it. The holoprojector display had shown a decent amount of detail during their transmission, but it had concealed the lines that the past years and stress of military life had left on her. Briefly he wondered if he was beginning to show the same aging, although he was younger than she. The thought was out of his head as quickly as it had entered.
"Commander." Faro nodded tersely, and Eli could read the tension in her stance. Was she still upset about the way he had snapped at her?
"Captain."
"Would you like to be shown to the quarters you will occupy while you're here?" she asked, her eyes again shifting to the others behind him. "Or would you like to see him first?"
Eli carefully hid the wave of relief that had suddenly washed over him. That thread of hope that he had clung to had been justified then. Not that he doubted it, he told himself. "I would like to see him," he said, straightening a bit and lifting his chin. "Please."
Faro nodded, her gaze dropping briefly to the floor as she turned to lead them away. "You arrived in impressive time," she commented, with an obvious effort to keep her voice light. "Did you happen to read through the material I sent?"
"No," Eli admitted, mildly distracted by the clicking of the various boots across the polished floor of the hangar. "I was...busy," he said lamely. "But I—"
He nearly ran into her as she stopped and spun to face him, her face reddening with anger. "You did not read it?" she growled through gritted teeth, and Eli fell back half a step in surprise. "Any of it?"
"Well," he sputtered, keenly aware of the Chiss audience right behind him. "I was planning to."
Several strong emotions crossed her features before she finally reigned them in, pulling herself back as she regained composure. "Then you don't know."
The relief he had felt a moment ago suddenly went ice cold. "Just take me to him."
"I don't know—"
"Faro." His fists shook where they curled tensely at his sides. "Just. Take. Me. There."
Her expression hardened. "Very well. Have it your way, Vanto."
The walk to the medical ward was a blur. Eli knew they passed others in the hall, but he did not see them. He did not look at them. He did not want to acknowledge anyone or anything right now. All that mattered was that he saw Thrawn, that he could assure himself that it was not as bad as that small, incessant voice at the back of his mind was whispering.
They stopped at last in front of a door. Faro turned to look at each of them in turn, landing finally on Eli. Her expression seemed to ask, Are you sure? He nodded, taking a deep breath. She then opened the door, leading them inside.
The room was dark. Not entirely dark, but darker than Eli had expected it to be. But what struck him more was the silence. There was no quiet hum of machinery, no soft whirring of medical devices doing their work. It was deathly quiet.
He froze. That word. Why did his mind have to choose that word? Faro raised the lighting.
Then he saw him.
He was reclining on a bed. Not reclining, laid out. Eli forced a foot forward, then another, both afraid to look and desperate to know. You already know. No. No, it was a lie. Your eyes don't lie. Yes! Yes, they can! This is just some cruel trick of...of the lighting...of...of...
He stopped, still halfway across the room from him. From the body. Stop it! His hands shot upward to his face. They were shaking. He choked on the painful lump in his throat, and his lungs refused his command to draw in air. This wasn't real. It wasn't. It couldn't be. He wouldn't accept it. It was a dream. A nightmare. A ruse—
That was it. This was a ruse. Things must have gotten so bad that Thrawn had to make himself disappear. Perhaps this was the only way he could guarantee that Ar'alani would allow Eli to come, personally, and even now, he was just waiting—
Turning suddenly, he dashed out of the room, pushing past Faro and the other Chiss. She said something as he went by, but he had no idea what it was. He didn't care.
Everyone fell out of his way as he tore through the corridors on his way to Thrawn's chamber.
You're lying to yourself.
Shut up! I am not. He's not dead.
You really think Faro would not be in on this insane idea of yours if it were real?
Thrawn only tells people what they need to know when they need to know. I'm sure he'll tell her the truth once he's in a secure location—far away from her wrath. He's done it before.
You saw the body yourself.
Yes, a body. Not his. It was very similar, but I could tell it wasn't him.
That is only because his life force is gone from it.
No. No. That's not it.
Dead bodies always look...not quite right.
That wasn't him. I know him. I know him better than anyone here. That was not him.
You're lying to yourself.
And you're repeating yourself.
He pushed the voice from his head, panting with exertion as he looked up to see where he was. Why did these Star Destroyers have to be so kriffing big?
When he finally got to the right corridor, he could see a pair of stormtroopers stationed at the doorway leading to Thrawn's office. Subconsciously, he reached up for a code cylinder, only then realizing that, of course, he did not have one anymore.
He closed his eyes, his face falling. He should have waited for Faro. He was wandering in restricted areas now, and in the time he was gone, how many people had rotated out? How many here actually knew who he was and wouldn't take him into custody on sight? He should have maintained control and allowed Faro to guide him. His reactions had been knee-jerk ones at best, and he had been disrespectful to her. He was an idiot.
In more ways than one.
"Shut up," he grumbled under his breath. Well, nothing for it but to go the whole way. If Thrawn was waiting for him inside, or had left him a clue on where to find him, then this was his best chance before others took control again. Taking a deep breath and straightening, he marched down the hallway.
The stormtroopers' helmets turned toward him as he approached, and he swallowed, unable to keep his eyes from glancing at the blasters resting against their chests. He had no weapons on him, not even a charric. He would have to play this as nicely as possible.
But how? He could hardly think right now, much less think cleverly.
"Allow me."
Eli jumped at the unexpected voice behind him, spinning around in surprise. "Cov—Major General!" he corrected himself as he saw the other's rank plaque. "I, uh, I was just—" He threw a thumb over his shoulder toward the door, eyes wide and body tensing until he realized what the other man had said. He stared in shock as Major General Covell handed his code cylinder to the stormtrooper, who hesitated only a moment before running his details and opening the door. Both troopers stepped aside as Covell brought Eli through, a hand gently but firmly placed against his back.
Once the door closed, Covell turned to him. "The Captain told me what happened. I was the closest one here, and she guessed you might be heading this way." He pressed his lips together, studying Eli's face intensely. Eli looked away, embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, sir."
Covell shook his head. "It's been a shock to all of us, Commander," he murmured quietly. Eli's throat squeezed shut at his words, but he refused to let them sink in. "Would you like me to come with you?"
"No. I need—" His voice caught, and he cleared this throat. "I need to do this alone."
Covell nodded. "I will stay outside if you change your mind."
Eli nodded in return, feeling his eyes burning. "Thank you." His voice was a rough whisper. He watched as the other man turned and left him alone in that narrow hallway.
He couldn't shake the feeling that this hallway was the point of no return. If he moved forward, he would discover the truth, once and for all. And as much as he hoped it was the one thing, he feared that that voice was right. And he didn't want it to be. He could stay here, unmoving. Thrawn could still be at the end of the hall, waiting. And it could stay like that, forever.
Because then he would still be alive.
Eli's arm shot out to steady him against the wall as his legs suddenly went weak.
"Sir, please...please wait for me..."
