You haven't paid me yet, and I fear you never will -

You said you sent the cheque, but I feel it stayed still.

You say you don't remember me—I know that isn't true,

For you admit the part of Merlin being played by you.

I asked you of your doings and then you killed my queen,

And then the cups were switched and then all did die in the scene;

Then I came with crown in hand to ask for my poor pay

And then you shut me in a trunk once you heard my say!

You said that I would get my cut but I feared a pun -

You really should pay all your debts and not take all in fun.

I am not the only one that has gone long unpaid -

I just heard another guest now to you complain.

The fifty English guineas paid from the purse of France

Never made it to your debts and we had not a chance.

Twenty pounds is all I ask and what you'll never give -

Frankenstein would have more luck as he hath more to live.

And don't you ask for me to change a twenty or a ten

For I'll leave with much less change than I did have then!

You haven't paid me yet, and I fear you never will -

You said you sent the cheque, but I feel it stayed still.

What address did you put down that seemed to be unfound?

Not some silly thing as such 'a coffin in the ground'?

Of course not, why would I think such—care of Frankenstein?

I do not live on Baker Street, nor of Kenton am in line.

I can't imagine why the cheque did not come to me,

Even if two tiny holes in the postman be.

I will follow every step until I get my pay -

From now until on Downing Street the next come Christmas Day.

You haven't paid me yet, and I fear you never will -

And if you do not pay me yet, to bite you I may still.

(Although I'm not a vampyre, and not an 'amateur';

Never will I quite forget this Morcambe, Wise venture...)

You haven't paid me yet, and I know you never will -

But in endless fun and laughter, you have paid me still.


AN: Not exactly fanfiction—at least not as I understand it... Taken from four different episodes and a running gag on Morecambe & Wise: the gag is that the guest stars aren't paid, and the episodes are the clips on Youtube of Peter Cushing on the show (of which there are more missing, but oh well...). I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense... By the way—I've no idea where Cushing does live, and so don't know whether or not he is in line with Kent—sorry. Thank you for taking the time to read this! Gramercy, and God bless you! 5-27-2015