Make everyone listen to his horrid attempts at poetry including

My lovely blonde Rose that makes me want to oomph

An ode to Grizzlies

And Of course it's gotta be Barbie and pink

Randomly burst into tears about how horrible he feels about killing Bella

Growl at inanimate objects

Hide Alice's credit cards

Sing into Rosalie's hairbrush

While dancing in his Barbie boxers

In the middle of the living room

On a pole

To Britney spears' Womanizer

Blasting from every stereo in the house

Write a math worksheet in Chinese and hand it into his Spanish teacher

Tell every girl at school that if they flash Edward he will give them a million dollars

Announce on the loud speaker that Jasper will be dancing disco in the gym after lunch

Mangle Esme's garden and tell her that the elves did it

Dye Alice's entire wardrobe black

Jump up on the lunch tables

And sing a song about how he is "coming out of the closet"

Then give a speech on gay rights and how Edward shouldn't be afraid to tell the truth about his sexual identity

Shoot himself with a taser and pretend that it actually hurt

Then play dead and then say in an eerie voice that if Bella does not give him mouth to mouth he will die a horrible and painful death and never get up again

Rob a bank

Wearing a bunny suit

And singing the national anthem in front of the security cameras

Call 911 and claim that Carlisle murdered someone but brainwashed him so that he can't remember who it was

Re-enact titanic in the school lunch room

While wearing a tutu

And hopping on one foot the entire time

Every time Edward says Bella's name scream "MAYONNAISE!"

Then grab Renesmee and run

Order 10,000 tampons in Edward's name

Scream "NO WAY! YOU DID WHAT???" after Alice predicts something that someone will do

Make internet porn dressed as a woman

Then say Rosalie made him do it

Wear a foil hat to school

And tell anyone who will listen that the aliens are coming to get us

Hide a recording of Gwen Stefani's music on repeat in Carlisle's study wall so it turns on whenever the light switch is flipped

Write Heidi of the Volturi love letters

And hide them in plain sight

Then claim that his evil twin Emmy wrote them and sent them to Emmett because he thought Emmett could hook him up

"Is that all do you think Edward?" Carlisle said, posting the list next to Bella's and Emmett's previous lists. "Hey, at least Bella's list isn't as long as Emmett's. And no. Not by a long shot." Edward replied. Suddenly a loud bang sounded and Emmett skidded into the room with his face covered in soot.

Sighing, Esme looked up from the lists. "Emmett, you have just broken rule #421. The rule is as follows, 'Emmett is not allowed to handle any kind of explosives including nuclear, ionic, atomic, biohazard or organic bombs, C-4, and Firecrackers, sparklers and Fireworks'. You are grounded Emmett McCarty Cullen." Emmett just looked smug. "That wasn't any of those things. It WAS a model rocket. You may need to repair the roof by the way." "EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN!!!!" Esme's face was enough to make even Emmett cringe.