Make everyone listen to his horrid attempts at poetry including
My lovely blonde Rose that makes me want to oomph
An ode to Grizzlies
And Of course it's gotta be Barbie and pink
Randomly burst into tears about how horrible he feels about killing Bella
Growl at inanimate objects
Hide Alice's credit cards
Sing into Rosalie's hairbrush
While dancing in his Barbie boxers
In the middle of the living room
On a pole
To Britney spears' Womanizer
Blasting from every stereo in the house
Write a math worksheet in Chinese and hand it into his Spanish teacher
Tell every girl at school that if they flash Edward he will give them a million dollars
Announce on the loud speaker that Jasper will be dancing disco in the gym after lunch
Mangle Esme's garden and tell her that the elves did it
Dye Alice's entire wardrobe black
Jump up on the lunch tables
And sing a song about how he is "coming out of the closet"
Then give a speech on gay rights and how Edward shouldn't be afraid to tell the truth about his sexual identity
Shoot himself with a taser and pretend that it actually hurt
Then play dead and then say in an eerie voice that if Bella does not give him mouth to mouth he will die a horrible and painful death and never get up again
Rob a bank
Wearing a bunny suit
And singing the national anthem in front of the security cameras
Call 911 and claim that Carlisle murdered someone but brainwashed him so that he can't remember who it was
Re-enact titanic in the school lunch room
While wearing a tutu
And hopping on one foot the entire time
Every time Edward says Bella's name scream "MAYONNAISE!"
Then grab Renesmee and run
Order 10,000 tampons in Edward's name
Scream "NO WAY! YOU DID WHAT???" after Alice predicts something that someone will do
Make internet porn dressed as a woman
Then say Rosalie made him do it
Wear a foil hat to school
And tell anyone who will listen that the aliens are coming to get us
Hide a recording of Gwen Stefani's music on repeat in Carlisle's study wall so it turns on whenever the light switch is flipped
Write Heidi of the Volturi love letters
And hide them in plain sight
Then claim that his evil twin Emmy wrote them and sent them to Emmett because he thought Emmett could hook him up
"Is that all do you think Edward?" Carlisle said, posting the list next to Bella's and Emmett's previous lists. "Hey, at least Bella's list isn't as long as Emmett's. And no. Not by a long shot." Edward replied. Suddenly a loud bang sounded and Emmett skidded into the room with his face covered in soot.
Sighing, Esme looked up from the lists. "Emmett, you have just broken rule #421. The rule is as follows, 'Emmett is not allowed to handle any kind of explosives including nuclear, ionic, atomic, biohazard or organic bombs, C-4, and Firecrackers, sparklers and Fireworks'. You are grounded Emmett McCarty Cullen." Emmett just looked smug. "That wasn't any of those things. It WAS a model rocket. You may need to repair the roof by the way." "EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN!!!!" Esme's face was enough to make even Emmett cringe.
