A/N: Slight spoilers for Penelope. Kevin reflects on the relationship and says goodbye.
Staring up at the ceiling, Kevin Lynch sighed again, as the woman next to him began to mutter and shift restlessly. He didn't know if she'd always had nightmares; it wouldn't surprise him if they hadn't begun with the shooting, based on the little she'd told him about the things she saw as the BAU's analyst. He wanted to reach over and comfort her, pull her close, reassure her of her safety. He didn't. Experience had taught him that he only seemed to make it worse – the moment she felt his touch, she'd shriek and sit bolt upright, terror evident in every straining muscle in her arms, shoulders and back. Instead, he simply sat up and watched over her, waiting for the nightmare to end. She whimpered next to him, head tossing on the pillow. He'd seen this often enough in the year they'd been together. Next would come the gasp, the total stiffening of her body as she relived – he wasn't sure exactly which part this was, if it was when she'd initially gotten shot, so unexpectedly, or if this was later, when that bastard Battle had come back to try to finish the job. Kevin strongly suspected it was the latter, though, because she always seemed to relax shortly after this, a slight smile covering her lips as she murmured his name. Not Battle's, but Derek's.
And that, he thought, was why he was awake and staring at the ceiling instead of sleeping soundly next to her. He carefully lay back down, pulling her now calmly sleeping body closer. Derek Morgan was the 900 pound pink elephant in the room. Or rather, their feelings for each other were. Kevin knew that the woman he was holding likely didn't know exactly how she felt about him – or if she did, she thought she'd gotten over them. She wasn't the type to lie that way, or to use people like that. He wasn't sure about Agent Morgan – oh, he knew the man had feelings for her. Kevin just wasn't sure if he was aware of them or not. But after a year, Kevin himself had come to face those feelings. His girlfriend, the woman sleeping next to him, Penelope Garcia, was in love with one of her colleagues, Derek Morgan, and he with her.
There hadn't really been an exact moment when he'd become aware of it. He'd watched them banter, amused and secure – he had assumed that if they'd wanted to be together, they would have been. It wasn't until he and Pen had started sharing a bed that he'd really started to get an inkling, and even then he'd chalked it up to the traumatic experience she'd just suffered. But eventually, he'd noticed Agent Morgan watching her when he thought no one would notice, and there was something in his eyes that made Kevin look a little closer. He'd started watching Pen, and noticing that she would occasionally do the same thing. And he'd begun to see. Even as he refused to acknowledge it even in his conscious thoughts, he began to look at other job possibilities, something that he could be as devoted to as she was to her team. That led him to the classified DHS operation. He'd pursued it without telling her, still not sure he was right, or that he'd wanted it. Before what would have been his final interview, though, his conscience got the better of him. He realized he had to tell her, while it was still a possibility, rather than a sure thing. When her first reaction was shock, he was mildly optimistic. He was further encouraged by her next question – "Are we breaking up?" but his hopes were shattered when she told him she couldn't come with him – that she couldn't leave the team. He understood then, and there were no doubts left in his mind. He recognized that there was no way for him to make her feel something she didn't – or to feel something other then what she did.
That had led him here. He'd made the evening special, more for himself then her, although he didn't want her to think there were any hard feelings, he had wanted this last memory. He'd taken her to one of their favorite restaurants, a place they reserved for special occasions. He'd set up the bedroom - the candles, the flowers - before he'd left to pick her up, so that all he had to do was dash around with the lighter while claiming to be in the bathroom. The candles had been the only light in the room, casting their soft, flickering light against the walls as he'd drawn her in, laid her down. He'd made love to her, one more time, knowing that it would be the last time. There, in the dark, he laid down his heart, knowing that even though she would feel pleasure, the love she'd feel would be that of a friend rather than of a lover, even if she didn't recognize it. He was giving himself this one, final night. In the morning, he'd do what was right. He'd let her go, and if things went well, subtly - or not, depending on how stubborn she was being, he thought with a smile, point her in the direction of her heart. For now, though, he would take these final hours with her, simply being; holding her, loving her – and letting her go.
A/N2: I never, ever thought I would write Kevin: trust me, I am a die hard Morgan/Garcia shipper and I can't stand him. There could be more to this, if there's interest, and the next bits (which are sorta swirling around my head right now) are definitely not from Lynch's point of view. This was more then a little inspired by "I can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt. I know it's written from a woman's point of view, but it seemed to me to fit the situation. Please let me know what you think - this was my first Criminal Minds fanfic, and I'd be delighted to hear what you thought of it, and if you'd like more. Thanks!
