Reno turned away from the other, covering his face. He couldn't face him, it hurt too much, he couldn't take the disgust. He'd got it wrong again. "Don't look at me..." his voice cracked in a half sob. He couldn't understand how the other would ever want to again, not after this, this stupid mistake. It had all been too good to be true, he should have known. It had all been so wonderful, so perfect, he'd dared to believe they could ever be more... then that one fateful night when their lips had brushed and he'd stopped breathing, unable to believe this was happening. Rude put up with so much from him - his nightmares, his insecurities... everything. The pain which still scarred him, left him barren, empty and tainted inside. He couldn't believe that after everything he'd done, after knowing what he WAS, the other would stay with him. He was so ashamed.
He'd dared to kid himself, listening to that little voice inside telling him he was beautiful. He almost snorted when he heard it. it was mocking him. He wasn't beautiful. He was filthy, broken. Sexy maybe, but not beautiful. All those words he'd ever heard, those bitter barbs still stung. The abuse, the jokes, the spitting and disgust from the other cadets. In some ways it was worse than the violence.
Then he'd met Rude.
Rude still remembered the reactions of the other Turks when he'd taken on Reno as his trainee and partner. So many of them had said he was mad and implied there was something filthy about their relationship. He'd been careful to keep it clean when they had been training, and only when he was sure it was what Reno wanted had they fallen in the sack together. He didn't regret any of it for a moment.
Reno smiled bitterly, tears still shining in his eyes. What would his friends have said if they could see him now huh? Stupid. Crazy. To dream a plater could love him. He'd done so many bad things, Rude deserved so much better, he was so worthless. they could never be together, he just didn't fit, like a piece from a different puzzle he was from a different world. It would never work. That was just the way it was.
Rude grabbed his hand pulled him back "Reno... don't cry... it wasn't your fault..." he was struggling to find the words "It doesn't matter what they do... it doens't matter what you've done... none of that, it doesn't matter... not to me... you're so beautiful..."
Reno snorted bitterly, feeling the pain rip him apart inside.
Rude sighed "I mean it... you are so very beautiful... all of you... not just physically, I mean... you're a beautiful person too..."
The sincerity echoed in his voice, and Reno turned his head slowly, meeting his eyes, his own cerulean orbs enlarged with tears, wide in what seemed like fear.
"No matter what happens Reno... no matter what missions we do, no matter how many lies we have to tell... no matter how many guys you have to get information from... it doesn't matter... we're still together. We're whole together. We may not be perfect, Goddess knows I'm flawed, we're Turks for fuck's sake... but... with you I feel perfect... It's like your beautiy rubs off on me. You're radiant Reno, special. You make so many people smile, just by being there. With you I feel special too. I know what they say about you, but it doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is you. I won't let rumours ruin our relationship and I won't let the past come between us. I'll hold you Reno, I'll hold you and I'll love you, always. I love you..."
AN: virtual cookies if you can guess which song inspired this. Watch the video and see if you can see why.
lyrics (c) Linda Perry and Christina Aguilera, characters (c) Squeenix
