Alright, so after watching that awful, awful episode where poor Regina was left in the dust once again, I just had to write this. It's angsty, be warned, but I mean to add more to it and hopefully, stretch a few more chapters that will eventually make everything Outlaw Queen be good and right again. Uff… anyway, let me know what you think.
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'My pain lies within, and these external manners of laments are merely shadows to the unseen agony that swells with the silence of my tortured soul...'
The water has turned icy-cold, so cold that she could feel it chastising her skin, burning her until every inch of her felt so numb that it made her ache. But even though the cold was so cutting, she still remained submerged in the water, staring at the ceiling as dancing shadows surrounded her.
She didn't mind the cold, cold was her new code of life and she has learnt to embrace it.
It was how she lived now; cold and alone… alone and neglected, spiritless, sidelined and to certain extent, forgotten.
It hadn't always been like that though; she hadn't been like that. Just as the water that now filled the porcelain tub, she has once been brimming warmth… once, but not anymore. The fire in her, that one that once consumed her with either her thirst of revenge or a strong will to live and be a better person for her son had extinguished the day her heart withered and died.
And now… all she was, was cold. All there was, was nothing… just a huge void consuming her inside out that only served to make her feel so tired of everything.
Casting her heavy lidded eyes down and forcing them not to shut themselves, she sucked in a breath. Through the chiaroscuro of the room she could see her body underneath the still water and the skin that was not covered by her underwear seemed too pale to her own eyes, almost translucent.
It was quite odd and for some reason she couldn't really comprehend, the sight of her in such a state made her breathing slow down to a point where it was almost imperceptible and she wondered what would happen if it just ceased.
And by God, she wanted it to cease, she wanted the pain to go away so that her soul could be free for what could be the first time in her oh so harrowing life.
Musing about that, she brought her right hand out of the water and ran her forefinger through the smooth edge of the tub until it reached the flat surface, right where a small bottle of pills lay open. Archie has given those to her to supposedly help her sleep long ago and that night she has taken them out of an impulse.
Sleep… if only she could succumb into an eternal slumber and if she could do it so enforcedly and in such a mundane manner. No magic, no effort… If she could just let herself indulge to sorrow and give way to the pangs of despair.
She took the small bottle in her hand to take yet another look at it and then she shook it, half expecting the sound of the pills against the plastic to break the silence of the room. But no sound came out of it as the bottle was empty; she had emptied it earlier that night.
Putting the bottle down, she sighed again.
Her fingers slid a bit further on and when they came upon her cell phone, she gave it a slight nudge before drawing back in a hurry and when she drowned her hand back underneath the water a few drops splashed against her face and she closed her eyes. She was just so tired.
For the last five days she has been feeling like that, devastated and as she was learning, she didn't know how to deal with it; she has tried though and she even managed, bracing herself with Henry's love and understanding and as weird as it was, with Tinker Bell's support. But now… now she was on her own and apparently with no one lurking around to check on her, she couldn't take it.
In the past, when something of such magnitude would hit her and oh how they have hit her, she has always found something to look forward, something to make her want to go on. But now there was nothing, she had no hope and thus, there was no will.
Breathing in, she rested her head against the edge of the tub. No, there was truly no happy ending for villains, there was only pain. Pain and a damned memory that seemed to have a liking to see her suffering and thus she would remember everything as if it was happening in that same moment.
Yes, that was her own curse, remembering everything; every detail, every movement of his body as it moved towards her, kissing her head and pulling her near. She remembered what he said to her, how that voice that not so long ago has assured her that she was his second chance and he hers had called that other woman's name so lovingly….
But as if that wasn't enough, she could also remembered how it felt to see them, reuniting, the raw feelings of the moments as her heart, the one she was feeling stronger than ever hammered cruelly against her chest.
How could she ever forget? The scene had been replaying in her mind over and over again.
Shaking her head, she chuckled dryly. Who would have thought that the strong and powerful Evil Queen was anything but said things and that the only thing one had to do to finally defeat her was taking her hope away?
"It's not fair." She mumbled under her breath and her voice sounded so alien to her own ears.
But the worse of all was that she didn't blame anyone but herself; because even though she was momentarily overcome with a need to go back to her old self and kill Emma for doing what she did, she couldn't blame her… and even when half her world began to crumble all around her when Robin went to his wife, she didn't blame him.
How could she? But that she understood him didn't stop it from hurting so much.
Opening her eyes, she lifted her hand again and grabbed the mobile. She had turned it off to be left undisturbed but now she brought it to life with a single touch.
For a wild moment she felt like calling Henry… for an even wilder one she felt like calling Robin…
It could be just for a quick moment, just to hear his voice… but no, she shouldn't be doing this to herself, she was in a frail state of mind and she wouldn't be able to take his rejection. It would be too much.
What had become of her? She had been reduced to a pile of nothingness, she was broken, alone and losing her mind. She was not even the shadow of the woman she had once been as she just felt like now she had nothing to hold on to.
That thought made her choke in a sob and soon after, she felt like it was all too much and she cried. She cried for what it could have been, she cried in mourning of the chance that was ripped out of her hands so cruelly and she cried for all the pent up feelings she has kept for herself. It wasn't until tears were starting to dry in her face as a sense of calmness began to evolve her.
Hugging her knees up to her chest, she felt the water caressing softly her flesh as she breathed. She now felt eerily calm, so calm that she could sleep forever… and as promises of dreams of an eternity without pain started to settle in her mind, her head dropped to the back of the tub and she started to feel no more.
For a few minutes, maybe even hours, she couldn't really tell, she refrained from any movement; she might have even dozed off. But when she came back from her reverie she submerged her head under the surface, letting the cold water take her whole.
Her first real thought of course was of him and trying to look things from a different perspective, she tried to be happy for him. He was a good man that deserved happy and well… she didn't want to drag him down with her demons so maybe it was all for the best.
Yes, maybe she could take solace in his happiness… she should… if only she could be strong enough to do it.
As she tried to convince herself that she could at least try to do that, out of nowhere something grabbed her by the shoulders and she panicked and she opened her mouth to yell, but as she did that she only managed to swallow a mouthful of water.
It was ridiculous, but she automatically thought of her sister coming back to life just to laugh at her pain before killing her and she embraced her fate, but when whatever or whoever had taken hold of her pulled her to the surface as she coughed her way out, the only thing she could feel was surprise.
Her heart stared to beat with renewed force and for once, she was too stunned to speak.
"What the hell are you doing?"
Regina wiped the water out of her eyes and came face to face with none other than Robin himself. He was still holding her in a tight grip and his scorching blue orbs were intently delving into hers.
"What are you doing here?" She asked in a daze even though her voice came kind of spiteful. "Did you break into my house?"
Not that her tone was any indication of what she felt, but it was just that she hadn't seen him since that fateful night at the dinner and now that she saw him there, she couldn't help but to feel a dull sense of self-pity and anger consume her.
It was just that… he had no right to be there, he had no right to anything and the knowledge that his presence ached deep in her chest was too much and well, what better way to externalize the turmoil of feelings than how she best knew best? By lifting her walls ten feet in the air while playing pretend; her game? Indifference.
But apparently, he had questions of his own too and he didn't wait long before firing them. "What is this?" He asked in a hiss as he eased his hold on her to reach out for the bottle of pills. "Did you take these?"
She looked down to the bottle and then back to his face. He looked tired, his eyes casting a dull sparkle as his stare bore into her own eyes.
"Answer me, Regina." He dropped the bottle into the tub and grabbed her again to give her a slight shake.
She shook her head in denial. "No… I just…" He didn't let her finish as one of his hands went up to her face, with his thumb he stretched down the skin below her eye as he inspected her.
"What are you doing?"
"The bottle was empty, where are the pills?" He asked still searching into her eyes.
All of a sudden, she knew why he was asking, he believed she had taken all those pills and well, she couldn't deny that the idea had danced through her mind. That's why she had taken them with her, but at the end she just couldn't do. Death was so… final and Henry-less and at the end of it all she emptied the bottle into the sink.
"I didn't try to kill myself if that's what you think." She said haughtily, her chin tilted up and her eyes defiant. After saying that, she pointed to the sink and being the incredulous human being that he was, he went to check for himself.
But what if she had taken them? Was he a doctor now as well as a thief? Because yes, a thief indeed he was, because after taking everything she had to give, he took it all and ran with it.
When he was satisfied with seeing the pills on the sink he walked back to the tub and grabbed her by the waist to put her up on her feet. Then we hugged her to his chest.
At the gesture, her walls crashed down at his feet and she just had to close her eyes, already feeling them watering. It was just that having him so close and yet so far made her heart ache in yearning.
He probably didn't know what he was doing to her, because if he knew he wouldn't even be here.
"I'm soaking you all over." She whispered as a way to make him cut his embrace short but he just held her closer, his warm lips pressing against her forehead.
At the feeling of his lips and his arms on her, Regina swallowed down a lump and clutched at his already wet shirt. She was afraid that if she even attempted to put her arms around him she wouldn't be able to let go.
But then again, maybe it was already too late.
She has been able to hold her composure as he held her onto him, but when he cupped her face into his hands and brought his lips down to hers she knew she was doomed, there was no turning back from her, and as he kissed her and she kissed him she wished he could take her pain away.
But he wasn't going to do that… she needed to remember that. She needed to remember that he had a wife that was very much alive and that he would never choose her over said woman.
With that in mind, too soon she pulled away.
"Don't do that." Her voice trembled and she hated it, she hated him for making her feel weak. "I'm not going to kill myself so just leave and go back to your… family."
Blinking his eyes, he wiped with his thumb the tears that had slipped down her cheeks, but to her words he said nothing.
"Are you deaf, leave!" She pushed him away, her hands pushing at his chest insistently.
"Don't be like this." He said while standing his ground and his voice sounded as tired as he looked. "You don't… know how hard this has been for me."
Blinking a couple of times, Regina stared at him in stupefaction. "Hard…" Her voice, low and even didn't even tremble and she was proud for that. "You just got the love of your life back; I would hardly call that as being hard."
"Regina…"
Shaking her head, she closed her eyes. She didn't want to cry in front of him, not because she lost him. "No, just leave, okay? If you ever cared about me at all, just leave… please."
To that he said nothing, he just remained there. She could feel him and she had to fight so hard against the urge of throwing her arms around him and beg him to stay with her.
"I will leave, but I needed to tell you this. I can't, I can't for the life of me stop thinking about you. Even though I know I shouldn't, even though I don't want to."
Opening her eyes and feeling how they automatically started leaking, the dark haired woman wrapped her arms around her midsection. She did that to find some courage, but when she found none she just sucked in a shaky breath. "Save it, I don't want to hear it."
"I wasn't planning for this to happen… I didn't know and I was not prepared for it. This whole thing took me by surprise and I just don't know how to deal with it. Marian… you must know that I love her and that I would give my own life just so she would live herself…"
Shaking her head and looking at the ceiling as new tears started to flow, Regina clenched her teeth. "I don't want to hear it."
"But even though I feel that way, I can't look at her face without thinking about you… without wanting you to be the one with me."
A sob escaped her and her hand went to angrily wipe at her eyes because in that moment, she was almost sure that if she wanted to, she could reach to him and kiss him and he would chose her, he would chose her… in that moment. But she was also very aware that if he did that, he would come to resent her in the near future and that was worse than anything she could think of.
"Go to your wife, Robin. You were looking for a second chance and you got it when she came back. Take it and run with it without looking back."
"What if I can't?" He asked in a whisper
"You'll do fine…" Breathing out, Regina looked into the blue of his eyes and she couldn't help but to realize that having him looking at her like that was almost enough to make her believe that there was a chance…
But no, if there was something she needed to get into her skull was that there were no happy endings for the likes of her and let alone second chances; there was only pain.
She knew it now, she has been a fool for believing that there was a chance and now she was paying the price of believing. All she has done, all she has given up… nothing mattered because life has deemed that she didn't matter.
But now that she knew that, she was going to brace herself against feeling more disappointment.
Pursing his lips, he leaned forward and grabbing her face, he kissed her cheek. His lips remained there for a while and the scent of him so deep and alluring made her heart ache, but then he pulled away and without looking back, he turned and walked away.
Standing there and watching, she felt what was left of her heart swell and then deflate, leaving nothing in her but a void that was never going to be filled again…
