Hey dudes, this is Kyle... and I'd just like to say that you're all a bunch of sick twisted FREAKS!

What the hell is wrong with you? So, today I was over at this girls house for some project and I guess she forgot to delete her internet history before I came, because on her most visited sites all I saw was a bunch of pictures of me and MY BEST FRIEND Stan making out! So of course I have to click it just to see what was going on. I mean, if they're drawing me half naked I need to make sure that I looked good. Which brings me onto another thing – but I'll come back to that later.

Anyway, I made some lame ass excuse, ran home and started doing some investigating. Turns out it's not only me you freaks are pairing up. Craig and Tweek? For shit's sake! Don't you guys get what being someone's friend is? Creek, or whatever it's called is a bunch of shit. Let me tell you that Tweek never really twitches that much anymore, and Craig being gay? Ha. That's a fucking laugh. He's just as boob obsessed as Kenny. And don't you perverts turn Kenny and Craig into a couple too now.

But back to me. It wouldn't bug me so much that you guys pair me up with anything that has a cock, but why am I practically always the girl? Have you seen me? I'm more manly than Jimbo (again don't turn us into Jimly or Kybo or something retarded.) Yeah, I'm skinnier than Stan, but that doesn't mean shit. I beat him at arm wrestling each time and I bet if I joined the football team I could tackle him better than any other guy out there.

Okay, so as long as no one I know comes on here... I might like the thought of tackling Stan a little more than I should... But it was you guys who put that sick thought in my head! For shit's sake, I've read so much porn and saw so much that I can't help but wonder who's got the bigger dick, or who's got the best stamina. Thanks for that, fan girls. Thanks a lot.

Back to the point. You guys owe me. You write all that shit about me and my friends, now the least you can do is help me get my chance to sleep with him at least once. Tell me what to do, because I guess you all think you know so much about our relationships here in South Park. That, and I'm kinda scared to see how he'll react.

But in the mean time, please stop making Tweek and Craig make out. Or that French kid and the freaky kid that moved. I mean – I don't think the two of them even talked, did they? Either way, they were total losers, and I could see the Devil's kid being gay, and I could even see the Frenchie wanting to suck cock, but I don't want to witness it first hand. Keep those fantasies in your minds!

– Kyle Broflovski