The Way I Loved You

I don't think he ever knew how much I loved him. I don't think I even knew how much I loved him. Now… I know exactly how much I love him.

We gave it a try you know. We wanted to see how much of a thing we had. Oh, what a thing we had. It has got to be the best year of my life. I just wish it could have lasted longer. We didn't realize that the honeymoon period was going to wear off.

We had one of the stupidest fights one could imagine. We were arguing about why there was a book out on the coffee table. Don't ask me why it erupted into the biggest mess of my entire life, but it did. I don't even know how it happened, but we both said things that can never be taken back. Everything came to the table. His sarcasm, my technobabble, his ability to break things that can't be broken, my inability to cook things, his hidden hauntedness, my standoffish behavior in our heated arguments. He told me that I would never trust him the way I needed to because of my guarded heart and I said he would never trust me with a child because we both kept guns in the house. So many things came out that night.

We ended up on separate sides of the living room on the floor just staring at each other a few hours later. The book was still on the coffee table. We both just stared at it.

"We can't do this can we?" He whispered.

"I don't know, Jack. Can we move past what just happened?" I whispered back. My voice breaking as tears threatened to fall.

I knew one of us was going to have to make a decision that we didn't want to make. We couldn't keep killing ourselves with this and we would have. We weren't even married yet, what would happen if we were to have gotten hitched? We wouldn't of even lasted 2 months together. Marriage changes people. Anyways I think it does. I wouldn't know though.

I was the first to move. He knew what I was doing. He knew exactly where I was going. As I turned to walk towards the bedroom, I heard a glass shatter as it hit something. I didn't look back, because the sight would break me I'm sure. I started packing up my things from his house. When I finished I left. He made no effort to stop me, nor did he move from his spot on the floor.

That was two years ago. Now I'm in California dating a man that will never measure up to the man I left two years ago because things got tough. I regret it everyday. I regret leaving him. My California man is perfect in everyway except he is no Jack O'Neill.

That's why I flew all the way to Minnesota to rent a car to drive to his cabin so that I could be on his front porch right now in the pouring rain. I miss everything about that frustrating man. I miss screaming and fighting with him. I miss kissin in the rain storms. I miss those nights of him being away in Washington and me cursing his name at 2 a.m. because he wasn't beside me. I miss the way he smiles, laughs, coughs, scratches his head, drinks beer non stop, kisses me good night, everything. I miss absolutely everything. I even miss his nightmares because they reminded me that he has a past that I have to be conscious of and that he survived all those horrendous things to get to me.

I knock on the door and he opens it up to stare at his long lost love. I can tell he wants to wrap me up into the biggest hug ever, but I know he won't because he's still hurt that it's been two years since I'm spoken to him. I know that this gaping hole that I have caused in his life will take time to heal. But what gives me strength is that he is still here and didn't give up on me. That he still loves me.

"Jonathan "Jack" O'Neill, I love you. I miss you everyday. I'm sorry for being a complete idiot." I state.

He smiles that stupid goofy grin and says, "Yeah… I know. And I love you more than life itself Samantha Jean Carter. Please forgive me for being a complete ass."

With that I kiss him… on his front porch… in Minnesota. Whoulda thunk?