Kame: This is for theretard5892, in response to her 'State Alchemist for Rent' challenge. Let's get crackin' (yeah, I know it's corny…)

Sue-pid

Once upon a time, everyone was at Central doing nothing. Suddenly, Havoc gets a package in the mail; not just any package, but a huge box as tall as he is.

"Yay!" he shouts then starts ripping the paper.

"What's that?" Breda asks, because Breda rarely gets any lines in a fanfic.

"My new girlfriend!" Havoc squeals. "I ordered her from a catalogue I got in the mail from some weird person called theretard5892! She cost me a fortune too; I'll probably be homeless for the rest of my life, but at least I have a girlfriend now!"

The box pops open and out steps this super-duper gorgeous girl with brown hair so beautiful and awesome that it deserved some type of metaphorical comparison I don't feel like going into. Make one up yourself.

"Hello, I am Paul Mitchell Pantene Pro-v Maybelline Loreal, the Sexy Shampoo Alchemist." She states in a sultry voice, throwing back her descriptive hair and fluttering her not-special-in-any-way orbs. Everyone falls in love with her, including Hawkeye, cause her hair is so amazing and stuff. Suddenly, Ed walks in.

"Who the hell is this?" he asks while watching everyone, including Hawkeye, drool over the Sue. Al walks in too because I want him to be in the room. The Sexy Shampoo Alchemist flicks her hair again, turning Ed and Al into Sexy Shampoo Alchemist fanboys.

"I love you!" Ed blurts out "Let's get married and stuff!"

"I loved her longer!" Al shouts "I loved her since we were born!"

"Well, I loved her since conception! I win!"

"No you don't; go marry Winry!"

"To hell with Winry! I'll kill you!" Ed rages. So they have an awesomely detailed fight, and Ed wins…For once.

"Let's go!" Ed shouts gleefully, dragging his prized Sue out.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Havoc screams. He soon sells himself into slavery in order to have enough money to order another girl from theretard5892's catalogue.

Just as they were about to get married, Winry arrives.

"Who called my name?" she asks.

"No one loser; go away so I can marry my beloved." Ed snaps.

"Yes, go away Winey. I am about to marry your childhood friend and secret crush, destroying any chances you had of having a happy, baby-filled life with one of the few guys-in flesh- who understands you and is willing to put up with your wrench-bashing attacks and snatching away your true love." The Shampoo Alchemist say.

"HOW DARE YOU! MY NAME IS WINRY, NOT WINEY, YOU HAIR-WASHING BITCH!" Winry screams, pulling out her trusty wrench. The two start fighting.

"WRENCH OF WRATH, GO!" Winry shouts, bringing her weapon down on the Shampoo Alchemist's hair.

"MUHAHAHAHA! IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!" the Shampoo Alchemist taunts, transmuting her hair into a hand that grabs the wrench and tosses it to the side. "NOW I GOT YOU WAINRY!"

"DAMNIT! IT'S WINRY, NOT WAINRY!" Wainry-I mean Winry-pulls out a small can and throw it at the Sexy Shampoo Alchemist. The can exploded and covers the Shampoo Alchemist's hair in oil.

"HAH! You'll never get that out of your hair! The only thing left is to cut your hair!" Winry screams in triumph.

"SHIIIIIIIT!" Mitchell Pantene Pro-v Maybelline Loreal, the Sexy Shampoo Alchemist, screams as she melts. Ed fangirl-uh, I mean fanboy-screams as the Sue melts. Winry cleaves him on his head with her wrench.

"Shut-up Ed!" she snaps, before going back to Risembool. Ed wakes up and the storyline resumes its place in the manga/anime before the dreaded Sue invaded. Except for Havoc.

"Yay! My second girlfriend came in the mail today!" the man chirps happily as he rips into the box.

OWARI^^