Part 1: A Timely Tea Party

"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease," said Tauriel.

"No," said Legolas. "Sorry. My father has forbidden travel between Middle Earth and the real world, so it's not only dangerous it's illegal."

"So what? That's not stopping you."

"Yes, but..." Legolas hesitated. He had planned to tell his father that he had gone hunting but if Tauriel went with him there would be no keeping her quiet about it.

"So let me come along," said Tauriel.

"I can't," said Legolas, wishing Tauriel were not quite so good at finding out what was going on.

"Are you my boyfriend or aren't you?" demanded Tauriel.

"Well..." said Legolas. Tauriel was pretty hot.

"Come on, let's go!" said Tauriel.


Inside Radagast's house Thorin, Fili, and Kili examined the bottles on the shelves.

"Do you have any dragon sleeping potion?" asked Thorin.

"I'm sure I have some somewhere," said Radagast, looking over his collection of bottles.

It was at that precise moment that Legolas and Tauriel made their entrance.

"Hey, is it ready?" said Legolas.

"Is what ready?"

"You know, that stuff that I-" Legolas suddenly stopped as he saw the three dwarves.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"What are you doing here?" retorted Thorin.

"We were here first," said Kili.

"Yeah, but you know my dad will arrest you if he catches you in Mirkwood," said Legolas.

"Meh," said Thorin. "He won't catch us. He never visits Radagast."

"RADAGAST!"

Everyone jumped as they heard an angry voice outside.

"It's my dad," said Legolas in a guilty whisper.

"If Legolas is in there," the voice continued, "don't sell him any telepotion."

The voice was coming closer.

"I thought he wanted you to go on a vacation," whispered Radagast to Legolas. "Why this sudden change of mind?"

"He just read a book on parenting and he's been really overprotective since," explained Legolas. "Don't tell him I'm here."

The dwarves had already disappeared beneath various articles of furniture. Legolas and Tauriel looked for somewhere to hide but were too slow to find a place before the elvenking burst into the hut.

"Aha!" said Thranduil. "I thought I'd find you here. Did I give you permission to leave the palace?"

"Ummm," said Legolas.

"We just came for a visit," said Tauriel. "For tea," she added, poking Radagast.

"Uh, oh yeah," said Radagast, quickly getting out his tea service and shaking bugs out of the tea cups.

"And what are you doing here?" asked Thranduil, turning on Tauriel and ignoring her explanation. "You're supposed to be guarding the palace."

"It's about time I got some time off," said Tauriel sassily.

"Go home, both of you," said Thranduil.

"Dad," Legolas protested, "you're always treating me like I'm a little kid."

Radagast was getting stressed out by all the conflict.

"Why don't you all stop yelling and have some tea?" he suggested.

The three elves looked dubiously at the tea dishes but the idea of tea was appealing. They all sat down at the table. Legolas and Tauriel sat down gingerly but the elvenking drew up his chair sharply, not knowing that Kili was concealed beneath the table.

There was a muffled shriek and Thranduil pushed back his chair so fast that it crashed against the wall.

"Radagast!" he shouted. "Can't you keep your pets out of the house?"

Kili popped out from under the table.

"He stepped on my finger!" he shouted.

"A dwarf! Eek! Get it away!" cried Thranduil, clambering up onto the chair. "Radagast! What is this? Harbouring criminals?"

"No," said Radagast.

"I'm not a criminal!" cried Kili.

"You're trespassing in Mirkwood. Tauriel, arrest him and throw him in the dungeon."

"No!" said Tauriel, running to Kili and putting her arm around him. "I won't. He's my boyfriend."

"Your what?" said Legolas.

"What?" said Thranduil. "A dwarf?"

"Uhuh," said Tauriel, starry-eyed. "Isn't it wonderful?"

"No!" said Legolas.

"Tauriel," said Thranduil, "I forbid you to marry a dwarf. It's... weird."

Tauriel burst into tears. "It's not fair!" she sobbed. "You wouldn't let me marry Legolas either. You just don't want me to have any fun."

Thranduil sighed internally. Why did kids have to be so difficult?

"It's not about fun," he said, trying to be patient (something he wasn't good at despite his boasts to the contrary) and remembering the recent book on parenting. "It's about what's best for you."

Tauriel sniffed.

"Stop making her cry!" said Kili.

"Fine," said Thranduil, losing the little patience he had managed to summon up. "Legolas, lock up this annoying dwarf."

"No!" shouted a voice as Fili popped out of a cupboard, ran to Kili, and put his arm around him.

"Uh, bro, you're ruining my moment with my girlfriend," said Kili.

Thranduil, caught off guard by Fili's abrupt entrance, lost his balance and fell off the chair onto Radagast's bed.

"OW!" roared a voice and Thorin scrambled hurriedly from underneath the smashed timbers of the bedstead.

"Uh," said Thorin, looking around at the staring faces in embarrassment. "Something rolled under the bed there and I, hem, was just getting it. Yup."

"Why don't you just admit you were hiding from him?" asked Tauriel.

"I wasn't hiding!" protested Thorin.

"What were you doing?" demanded Thranduil. "What are all of you doing here? I thought I made a law about no dwarves in Mirkwood."

Out of the corner of her eye Tauriel noticed Legolas edge over to the shelf and furtively slip a bottle into his pocket. Everyone else was too busy arguing to notice. Legolas glanced guiltily around and then poured a small amount of the potion into a tea cup.

"We were simply visiting our friend Radagast," Thorin explained majestically. "There's no law against visiting one's friends, is there?"

"There is if I say so!" shouted Thranduil.

"All right, everyone," said Radagast. "We can discuss this later. The tea is getting cold."

The various members of the party, making faces at each other, took their seats around the table. Tauriel waiting until no one was paying attention and snatched up a telepotion from the shelf. She managed to pour it into one of the tea cups before Radagast took the tray of them to the table.

"Not all at once," said Radagast as they reached for teacups. "One at a time, please."

"Me first," said Thorin.

"No, me first," said Thranduil. "I'm the elvenking."

"Well, I was here first!"

"Ladies first," said Tauriel.

"I'll go first," said Radagast in annoyance. "Because it's my tea party."

Tauriel huffed in impatience as she watched him take the cup she had put the potion in. The rest took their tea cups in sulky silence.

"Nice lack of spiders we've been having lately," said Radagast conversationally as he buttered a slice of toast.

Legolas swished the tea around in his tea cup hesitantly.

"More tea!" shouted Kili, who had drained his cup at one swallow.

"How remiss of me," said Radagast. "I've forgotten to bring the tea pot to the table."

"I'll get it!" shouted Tauriel, jumping up so hastily that she knocked the milk pitcher into Kili's lap.

"What's taking so long?" asked Thorin grumpily.

"Nothing," said Tauriel, emptying a potion into the tea pot. She set the pot on the table and smiled sweetly at everyone.

"So we're still waiting to find out whether visiting one's friends is a crime," said Thorin to make conversation.

"I'm still waiting to find out what you're doing here," said Thranduil. "And Legolas and Tauriel, too."

He turned a stern eye on his son. Legolas looked guilty, sipped his tea, and... vanished.

For a second everyone stared open-mouthed. Then they realised that Tauriel was gone too.

"Radagast!" said Thranduil accusingly.

Radagast tried to look innocent. There was a barely audible poof and Fili and Kili disappeared simultaneously.

"Where'd they go?" demanded Thorin, suspecting Thranduil.

"They've gone to the human world," said Thranduil between his teeth. "And I expressly told Legolas not to. Just let him wait! I'll get him when he gets back.

"I'm afraid..." began Radagast.

Before he finished he was the only person left in the room. He gazed around him, blinking, and then looked down at his tea cup and pushed it away.