"I was supposed to be there for you...and I wasn't."
I've never had someone tell me anything like that before. Never. And some part of me is blown away that he cares this much about me, but another, stronger part of me is stone deadly angry that he's waited this long. I don't need him now - I needed him when I was a child, an orphan without anybody in the world. And he chose, then, to walk away.
But my rational brain is trying to help me understand that he was only a boy, a child just like me. He was an orphan too, sent into a strange world and handed the huge responsibility of watching out for a baby who would someday be the "saviour". He couldn't handle it, and how can I blame him? Yet somehow, I do.
If it is all true, if he actually is Pinocchio and was sent here in a magical tree with me when I was a baby (which I cannot make myself really believe, not yet at least), then I don't really care that he is dying. It is his own fault, because he made his own decisions. Yes, some part of me aches when he groans with pain and has to sit down. Yes, some part of me is convinced by the desperate and sincere regret in his words. Yes, some part of me is moved by his obvious emotion when he speaks of leaving me behind. But that part of me has been buried for a long time, and I'm not ready to bring it out again. Neal taught me exactly what can happen when you trust too easily.
So he says he's dying, and he has explained to me with tears exactly how sorry he is that I grew up alone. And of course, I don't tell him that I realize he also grew up alone. It doesn't matter enough to me, and I won't let myself care. He is not my friend - he is a stranger who rode in here on his motorbike and thinks that if he spins me a sad story I will love him. I am not so naive. And on that thought, I walk away. I am not naive. I can leave him behind.
:::::
She doesn't understand at all. And I know it is too soon and she is not ready yet, but I am running out of time. I had to tell her who she was before it is too late. But she heard all my words and desperation, and I know she could tell that I wasn't lying and yet she still chose to walk away. How can I blame her? I walked away too, and these are my just consequences.
But I think she thinks I want her to love me, that I am some guy here to win her heart. It's not true. I would be her most loyal friend, if she would let me be - and I want nothing more. I am here to attempt to atone for the mistakes I've made, not to redeem myself with her love.
When I look at her, I still see the trusting eyes of the baby I left behind, and it tears at my soul. Every time I am with her, I see who she has become, who she had to become because I left her alone. I left her alone. I was responsible for her, and I failed. So I am like a brother, wanting to look out for her and protect her and love her like I should have done all those years ago. I don't need anything else except the chance to atone. I don't even need forgiveness.
But she has chosen now, to walk away. And there is nothing more I know of to do, so that means I have failed again. I was a fool, to come hoping I was not too late. Why did I wait this long? I waited, so stupidly long, and now I know - I am years too late.
