Hello people. So I have to say, first of all this fanfiction has major spoilers if you haven't kept up to date with Supernatural season 5. In the latest episode, Abandon All Hope, as most of you know, Ellen and Jo were killed. And it was very odd for me, because I've always really loved Ellen and disliked Jo, but Jo's death hit me really hard. So I wrote this, its Dean/Jo, because Ellen/Dean wouldn't work very well :) Review, if you like.

It hit him harder than he'd thought.

It'd always been Sammy and him. Sometimes dad. But mainly just them. Sam had always for some reason been stuck on love. I mean, Sam started hunting again over Jessica, Sam fucking cried over Madison, Sam kissed Sarah with more passion than Dean had ever kissed someone, and Sam hoped and hoped Ruby could be real for him. But Dean... love was not the object of the game. Chicks were hot, but as long as he had his brother, and of course those great weekends where Sam would allow him time off with some women they'd run into... he was set. He was good. Love of the hunt, love of your family, but not love of a girl. In truth, he'd always told himself one day... but after. After Lucifer was dead. After the world was at peace, or at least, after there was someone else to take over his job. Then he'd find a girl, have some kids, and teach them how to shoot a gun properly.

But there was something about Jo...

Maybe it wasn't that he had feelings for her. He'd really always imagined her more as a sister. Maybe it was guilt, since she had, after all, died for him, and ultimately, Ellen did too. And maybe it was just in the face of her dying, being gone that he wondered... But it was the maybe that bothered him. Maybe he did like Jo. Maybe he'd always liked Jo. Maybe Jo was the woman for him.

"I'll see you on the other side, probably sooner rather than later."

"Make it later."

And now she was dead. Dean wasn't into sob-fests, chick flick moments and cliches...

But the line, you never know what you have until its gone, felt concrete to him, felt true. It felt like forever, he would spend his time wondering. And now, he sort of understood Sam. Did Sam not think everyday whether, had Jessica lived, he could be happily in a relationship? Or married? Did Sam not wish desperately that he could run back to Sarah, or did it rack his brain constantly that there must of been a way to save Madison he hadn't thought of...

And then, Dean felt like an asshole, too. He had judged Sam on the basis of liking Ruby, and was it wrong of him to hope someone would actually be true and honest with him? Well, fuck, it was a demon, but still. Still Sam had feelings. And Dean hadn't...

Not until instead of rescuing the girl, she saved him. Not until he finally knew how it was to wonder. Having a good gun, a good car, being alive, that was fantastic, but for the first time, Dean didn't feel like he had anything. He had abandoned all hope.