I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS
By Cryssie M.
CHAPTER 1
It was a cold winter day in Cardiff. Grey, cloudy and chilly, which normally would have affected people's mood, turning them gloomy and enervated. Not Gwen Cooper's. She was leaping into the Hub, engrossed in humming some melody.
Sitting at his desk, immersed in updating the recent case files, Jack Harkness jerked his head as he heard the noise of light footsteps. Walking to the window of his office, he spotted Gwen twirling at her workstation before dropping her bag onto her chair. With a faint smile, he was watching her unpacking her bag, which revealed some hollies, mistletoe, a bunch of fir-wigs and silver tinsels.
Sure, she did not forget the Christmas-decoration. It was so typically Gwen Cooper, the memento of humanity, the heart of Torchwood 3. The angel in hell, he noted bitterly. The place where everyone died. Hell on Earth, which had consumed Tosh, Owen, then not much later Rhys and Ianto...
Neither of them had been able to accept and get over those losses easily, yet they had to move on, keep doing what their lost friends had signed up and sacrificed themselves for, otherwise their deaths were useless.
Jack knew that for Gwen it was more painful and difficult to deal with; losing her husband must have been unbearable. He remembered last Christmas she had been utterly devastated, had not felt like celebrating, just had been sitting and crying, reminiscing the days with Rhys. Jack had been truly worried that she would never recover from the deep pain. He knew she was strong and tough, and he had been there for her whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on. They had both comforted each other, sharing the nice memories, remembering the missions and the fun they had had, providing each other solace in the time of grief.
Jack had feared that Gwen would hate and blame him for Rhys' death, but to his surprise, she had not. After the initial breakdown, she reconciled fate and, knowing that Rhys would have wanted her to go on with life, she tried to compose herself together and immersed in work. According to those wise words, time healed all wounds, and after a couple of long months, she could live life again.
On the contrary to her, time was Jack's enemy. The more time passed, the more he hated his life. Each minute he lived reminded him of the time that their friends couldn't relish anymore. Fate cursed him with the future days of their companions, never letting him forget what he had done to them. If there was something Captain Jack Harkness was good at, it was taking people's lives. The enormous guilt didn't stop haunting him. He couldn't forget that it had been him who had set those people up for a date with death. And he couldn't forgive himself for all that.
(flashback)
"Though I attract death, I can't die," Jack scolded himself desperately. "I just bring destruction to everyone around me. Would be better if I stayed alone forever," he cried, and Gwen pulled him into a hug.
"Don't talk like that. It's not your fault," she touched his arm comfortingly.
"Then whose is it?" he snapped at her, looking into her eyes. "They died because of Torchwood, because of me. I'm the reason why they were here."
"They all knew what they had signed up for. It's not your fault."
"Rhys didn't," he noted sharply.
She sighed. "You're wrong. He knew helping us was dangerous, but he wanted to do so. "
"He shouldn't have died, he wasn't Torchwood."
"But I am. And he knew what to expect. If someone's responsible for his death, it's me."
(end of flashback)
Just as if she had known he was watching her, Gwen glanced up at his office, her look meeting his. She sent him a warm smile, earning a weak one from him in return.
Gwen sighed. Jack's deep depression worried her. More than a year had passed since that tragic day when, only 3 months after Owen and Tosh's death, they lost Ianto and Rhys as well. She still clearly remembered that fateful day - the explosion, smoke, splinters of glass all around, lots of blood; her own scream when she had spotted Rhys' twisted body, his last words telling her that he had loved her; Ianto coughing up blood, his exasperated grasp onto the sleeve of Jack's coat, the tears they all had cried... Her eyes still welled up, and she felt the pain in her heart whenever she recalled those minutes. She remembered how she and Jack had been clinging to each other in the Hub, crying uncontrollably after having laid Ianto and Rhys rest in the vaults forever. She still could feel Jack's strong embrace around her and his tears soaking her hair. Only the two of them remained; they were Torchwood 3 from then on. When Martha had learnt about the tragedy, she immediately had volunteered to fill the medic's job in the team, which, first unwillingly though, Jack had accepted. They had pondered a lot about recruiting new members, but Jack couldn't have brought himself to get more people involved in danger, not yet. Gwen couldn't blame him, actually, she was relieved that there were only the three of them; she wasn't ready to welcome new people to their family that Torchwood meant. She needed time, and as much as she could state so did Jack.
Becoming reserved and indifferent, he spent most of the time in his office or in the streets of Cardiff, hunting Weevils, all alone. He never joined the girls for night-outs or just some coffee break; he didn't seem to be willing to socialize. He hardly was willing to talk about anything apart from work. Seemingly, he lost his relish for life, and neither Gwen, nor Martha could help him to get him back onto his feet.
(flashback)
Jack Harkness was sitting at his desk, leaning back on his chair, a glass of scotch in a hand. With the dishevelled hair, scruffy look and weary expression he was just a shadow of the confident, sharp-looking man he used to be. The sleeves of his blue shirt were folded back up to his elbow, revealing a long, dark crimson line and some smudges on his lower arm and wrist. The blood-covered knife was still lying on a pile of paper.
"Jack?"
Gwen entered his office cautiously. The sight that welcomed her wrenched her heart every single time.
Torturing himself, getting suicidal became a habit of his these days, but she never could get used to them – and never wanted to.
With every slash into his skin, he was expecting some relief and was secretly hoping for a miracle of his body finally would give up and his wounds not healing, he would lose enough blood to die. Every time the knife tore his skin deep, and he winced in pain, he thought of the lost members of his team, considering the agony as punishment. Yet salvation never came, and the wounds healed in a short time.
Gwen walked up to him. "Jack..." she uttered his name quietly, sitting down on the chair opposite him.
He didn't show any sign of hearing her. Still staring at the glass in his hand blankly, he was enveloping himself in deep silence.
Noticing the burgundy colour on his lower arm, she swallowed hard. God, he's still doing this.
Retrieving a wet towel from his bathroom, she took his messy arm and started cleaning off the dried blood. However his wounds were about to heal soon, she proceeded the task just as attentive and gently as if it had been a normal cut.
The slashes were deep, almost reaching bone, and Gwen mentally slapped him for having caused such an extreme pain deliberately. She was frightened of what other ways would he still find to torture himself.
She wished she could help him to get out of this deep depression. If only he let her help him. She couldn't bear seeing him suffering like this for much longer.
"This doesn't get you anywhere," she said low-key, cleansing his wrist cautiously.
He didn't say a word, which angered her.
"Oh, so we're going on like this from now on?" she snapped, throwing the towel onto his desk, jumping up from the chair. "You're such a selfish bastard, Jack Harkness!" she was looking daggers. "You think you are the only one who's grieving? The only one suffering from this enormous sorrow? For your information, I lost my husband! Yet, I'm here, trying to help you getting through this misery, but, hell, you don't care at all! Fuck you, Jack, I'm tired of your stubborn resistance!" she gave him one more glance of fury before storming out of the office.
Jack was still staring at the glass motionlessly when she whirled out. A moment later, the deep silence was broken by the crashing sound of glass on the wall, splinters flying around.
(end of flashback)
Grabbing a bunch of fir wig and holly with a sigh, Gwen started to decorate the Hub. She knew there was no use to talk to the Captain now. Sighing again, she resumed humming some holiday-song, while arranging the Christmas decoration.
"Wow! I don't remember this place having been dressed in holiday-decor yet," Martha's voice tinkled in the silence as she emerged from the medic-bay and entering the Hub's core noticed Gwen.
Jerking her head, Gwen smiled broadly at the other woman. "Working in an underground base doesn't mean we should miss the atmosphere of the holidays. This place really needs some decoration to enlighten the mood."
"I know what you mean," Martha glanced toward their boss' office bittersweetly. The young doctor and Gwen had formed a bond during the year passed, becoming good friends and surrogate-sisters to each other.
"I so wish to have the old Jack back," Gwen sighed bitterly.
"I know. He's not that Captain Jack Harkness I have known."
"Will you take care of him while I'm away, won't you? I'm not keen on the idea of leaving, but it's my family and it's Christmas, so..."
"No worries, sure, I will," Martha smiled at her reassuringly. She knew Gwen and Jack had a solid, deep friendship, and she often wondered if, suppressed though, there had been more than that between the two. And since that fatal accident of Rhys and Ianto, she couldn't help pondering if Gwen and Jack ought to have acted on their mutual admiration and attraction. However, neither of them said it aloud, they needed each other. Martha wasn't blind; she could add two and two.
Suddenly, her eyes lit up at an idea occurring her. "But why don't you bring him with you? Some change of air might do him good," she smiled.
Gwen's eyes widened. Taking Jack home to her parents? That sounded a ridiculous idea. But then again, it wasn't such a crazy thought after all.
"I'm taking care of the Hub, so everything's going be okay," Martha assured her convincingly.
"Well, I might give it a try," Gwen's mouth curved into a small smile, the idea's getting to appeal to her. Maybe Martha was right, and some change might do him good. They had nothing to lose.
"You're sweet, but no," Jack firmly refused Gwen's offer.
"Why not? Give me just one good reason," she argued.
"Parents don't like me," he stated simply, while placing a file in the filing cabinet.
"They don't even know you," she pointed out, referring to the effect of the retcon mixed champagne on her wedding.
"That'd better stay so. They don't need to get to know the man bringing danger and death into their daughter's life," he replied grimly.
"Damn you, Jack, would you finally stop acting like this? I'm tired of your brooding. Can't you see that you're losing touch with real world? Isolating yourself doesn't help. It won't bring them back!" she was shouting now. "You can't imprison yourself here forever."
"Gwen, you don't know anything!" he burst out. "You don't know what it feels..."
"I don't? Then tell me! Talk to me, Jack!" her eyes welled up in exasperation. Grabbing his sleeves, she made him face her. "Don't you see what's going on? We're growing apart, and I can't bear that. I need the old Jack..." she cried.
Her tears always made him weak. He hated himself for making her cry. Sighing, he pulled her into a reluctant hug. "I'm here...," he muttered guiltily.
"No, you're not," she countered with a loud sob.
Facing each other, Jack saw the enormous sorrow in her eyes, and his heart sank to realize how much he hurt her.
"I'm sorry," he murmured.
He was very well aware of the fact that he had changed since the death of Ianto and Rhys. He knew that, but didn't admit it. He just wanted to cause the less trouble that was possible to the ones he loved. He was death itself walking among the living. Living forever, yet bringing destruction and sorrow to people around. He should have protected them. But he didn't. Many times since that tragic day, he pondered about shutting down Torchwood 3, leaving Cardiff, and starting a new life as a freelancer, an ex-time agent, just like the old times, until finding the Doctor again and leaving Earth for good. That would be the best for everyone, no more deaths by Captain Jack Harkness. The only person who kept him back from doing so was Gwen. Leaving her now wouldn't have been right – she had lost her husband, her friends, had no one else than him and Martha in Cardiff. In addition, he couldn't leave the girls in lurch after all that had happened. He had to stay.
"Jack, please," she pleaded, "let me try to help you," she looked up at him with her pleading big brown eyes. "Come with me. Please."
"Right," he conceded after a short silence. "But I'm warning you, I'm not the best company."
"That might change," she said softly. "Just give it a try. For me. Please."
Tightening his lips, he pulled her closer and gave a little, feathery kiss onto the top of her head.
I shouldn't have recruited you, Gwen Cooper, he sighed. I had been so wrong to take you here. All I brought into your life was lie, pain, death and danger. You deserve a better life than Torchwood can offer. I'm so sorry...
"Okay then, leave at last," Martha laughed as Jack, already sitting in the passenger seat of Gwen's car, repeated his orders once more, entrusting the Hub to the doctor.
"You really want us off," Jack narrowed his eyes suspiciously, "are you planning something?"
"Actually, you got me," she giggled, pretending to have been caught. "I'm expecting some handsome, Santas, so you'd better hop off now."
"Martha Jones..." Jack's voice was playfully warning.
"Captain," she saluted with a grin, "Merry Christmas!"
"Merry Christmas to you too, Martha," Gwen smiled from behind the wheel. "And thank you again!"
The doctor returned a warm, soft smile, "Anytime. What are friends for?"
Gwen nodded happily.
"I want to find everything in one piece when coming back," Jack said warningly.
Martha laughed and waved goodbye. Watching the car pulling out of the parking lot, she wished if only Gwen managed to cheer up their boss by the time they would come back.
