Pain

By: allie

..:: Jack's POV

Pain.

That word doesn't even start to describe the feeling that is going through my body right now. I don't think that there are enough words to describe what is going through my head. So many thoughts, and none of them ending in a good way.

So many days I come home and I start to wonder what is going to be the last thing to throw me over the edge. What is going to be the final straw? What is going to snap the rope that I am dearly trying to hold on to?

How many days have I looked into the eyes of my friends and told them I was okay, and pushed my problems aside to help them? To help the people that I don't know. That I am trying to save. How much longer can I go on lying to them? To myself? How am I going to break out of this fantasy world that I am living in?

How am I going to allow myself to be happy when all I can do is look into the past and wonder what could have been? What would have been? I know that if I keep trying to figure out where I went wrong I am just going to dig myself into a hole deeper then I already am in.

When was the last time that I was able to come home and was not accused of being with someone else? When was the last time that I was able to come home and have an honest conversation with my wife?

When was the last time that I was truly happy?

When was the last time that I looked into Sam's eyes and told myself that I didn't love her, and I can't have her?

How am I going to go on like this?

How am I going to be able to stay alive?

How am I going to be able to face the world and not have every passer by know my feelings for this woman that I should not love?

How am I able to face my wife everyday and pretend that I am just as happy with her as I am with Samantha.

So many times I catch her eye and it just sends me over the edge. So many times I can catch just the slightest bit of her perfume, and I picture lying in her bed, holding her in my arms, and just thinking about how right this all feels even though I know that it is wrong. I never wanted to start this game that we play. I never wanted to end it either. I always knew that one way or another that she would end up burned. I just never thought that I would also.

But the truth... I just don't know how to give her up, and I don't know if I ever will be able to.