Miss me?...
...
In the not too distant future,
June 2014, A.D.
There was a guy named Ted
not different from you or me
He worked at writing fanfiction,
just another face in computer fiction
He wrote a story about birds riffing all over the place
But FanFiction didn't like it so they shot it into space!
He'll send them cheesy fanfics,
the worst that he can find
The birds will have to sit and riff them all,
so he can entertain your minds!
Now keep in mind he can't control,
when the stories begin or end
Because he used that knowledge all to write Rio fics again!
If you're wondering how this'll get past sites rules,
and other science facts
Repeat to yourself, "It's just a story"
"I really should RELAX!"
For Mystery Blue Macaw Theater 3000!
...
Blu: Why are we here again, exactly?
Pedro: Because the last story got taken down. You think we're givin' up after all that?
Blu: But it's been a good...two or three years?
Nico: Hey, we age like wine! Gettin' better with age!
Jewel: After what just came out, we should all really talk about "getting better with age"...
Pedro: Hey, that is direction that messed us up back in April! We're pretty good at gettin' a good movie out!
Nico: Maybe...just not a good sequel...
Pedro: Shut up!
Blu: Is there even going to be an explanation as to WHY we're just continuing the riffing and all from the last time? No background, no setting, no...
Jewel: Let's just start this stupid story before Blu blows a fuse...
THE BIG SCOOP
Pedro: It's SO big, we needed to hold down Caps Lock!
Blu:-No establishment of WHY we're still here...
Chapter 1
A Surprise Visit
It had been only mere days since Blu had successfully flown and proclaimed his love to Jewel.
Nico: Already sounds like the setup to a bad "Airplane" sequel...
Days since the greatest journey of his life, that lead him from the small bookstore in "Tiny-Sota" to Rio, a place he'd likely live the rest of his life in, with his friends he had only known for a short time, and still held near to him, and of course Jewel, his one and only love of his life...
This certain day began like any other, only it was strangely quiet in the forest where all the birds called their home.
Jewel: So it...wasn't a day like any other, then?...
Pedro: I also don't think we needed to be told where we live...Ain't it pretty obvious?
Blu: You take this author for a genius. That, this author is not.
With no enemies to plague them, the birds were living in perfect harmony.
Jewel: Except hawks
Blu: And spiders
Pedro: And vultures
Nico: Oh my!
Jewel: But besides that, NO ENEMIES!
Of course, sleep was a top priority for them after the amazing last few days.
Nico: "Dear Blu had been rather frisky, ya see..."
Blu: Shut it!
As well as this unusually quiet afternoon, Blu was currently exploring the jungle, still trying to learn the ways of his new home.
Blu: Left tree, right tree, up tree, down tree...Yep, definitely the ways...
Pedro: What, you playin' Battleship or somethin' over there?...
Along with him were his friends Rafael, Pedro and Nico. This was an apparent "tour" that was provided by his Toucan buddy. Free of charge, apparently.
Pedro: "Until Rafael mercilessly beat him afterwards and demanded payment..."
"So, any other questions Blu amigo?" Rafael asked with an open smile. That was a quality Blu always noticed. Rafael was always sportin a smile that showed off a great soul with a smooth-thinking way of life.
Jewel: He could tell by a the bill of a bird because...they're so very expressive, aren't they?
"Well yeah. I mean, what time does the sun go down? When is it the best time to be back here? When should I be aware that the 'other birds' will be into their singing, because I have a strange feeling the kids won't be too happy about the noise..."
Blu: So according to this writer, I'm a soccer mom. Lovely.
Blu rambled, suddenly lowering his voice to a squeak at the tail end of his questionare. Pedro and Nico tried hard to hold back their laughter at the mention of kids.
Nico: Because we're immature and stupid like that!
Pedro: Yeah!..Well wait, we kinda are-
Nico: Shut up.
Blu already assumed Jewel was going to take it THAT far...And why not, Blu wondered. Jewel was his perfect bird, the one that he loved, and he had a good feeling no one would take that away.
"Blu...You gotta learn that every bird here has to listen to the music the birds have made. It's not the peace that is loved by all us birds in Rio, it's the love of music and the melodies we've lived with! That my friend, is what will matter most for your ninos." Rafael said with a smile of assurance.
Pedro: That sounds...really cheesy.
Blu: Just pretend the writer took pointers from the Cheez-It box...
Blu thought for a moment and then sighed with a smile.
Jewel: "It was then that Rafael realized that Blu had relieved himself all over the tree branch..."
Blu: Jewel!
"I guess you're right." Blu agreed with a laugh.
"And I'm sure Jewel will agree with me too. In case you didn't notice, you both love music! Why deprive your children of it?" Rafael asked, further unintentionally making Blu feel like the bad guy.
"Yeah, that makes me feel good..." Blu sighed as he lowered his head shamefully.
"Come on amigo, I know you wouldn't do anything like that! Besides, there's plenty of time left before you and and Jewel...Get intimate." Rafael muttered, trying not to make the situation awkward. Once again, Pedro and Nico had to hold back laughs. Nico began to speak, but then needed to hesitate so he could keep a straight face.
Blu: "DURHUR, SEX IS FUNNY!"
Pedro: That was pretty blunt, Blu...
Blu: That's the only way this writer is writing right now!
"Come on Blu. Let's head down to The Branch and get down!" Pedro exclaimed, ready to fly down to the club where Blu made his first huge impression on Jewel.
"Sorry Pedro, I can't. Jewels making me stay here. Making a nest isn't all what it's cracked up to be."
Blu: Just like how using apostrophes is apparently not what it's cracked-up to be, as you clearly forgot them.
Blu said with a weak laugh. Pedro glanced over at Nico dejectingly, who just shrugged his shoulders.
"Alright, suit yourself amigo. Just don't come running back to us when you're getting lonely! Rio isn't a nice place for birds at night!" Rafael called as he flew off with Pedro and Nico. Blu scoffed at this statement, and then headed back to his nest deeper back in the woods.
"What did Rafael mean by that? I can handle Rio. I've stayed in one piece since I first got here!"
Jewel: Barely...
Blu: Hey!
Blu said to himself, to which a few birds suddenly took notice of, mainly younger parrots.
Pedro: "The older parrots were on their lunch break..."
"Mommy, what's the crazy blue bird talking about?" A baby parrot with a high voice asked his mother.
"Let's go, kids." The mother bird said quickly, turning her younglings around and pushing them away from the area.
Jewel: A talking blue bird must really scare parents, huh?
Blu: That's not what the box office returns say...
Blu suddenly felt rejected from the sudden confused looks he was receiving. Was he really this much of an outcast?
Nico: Considern' you're a bird...No, not really.
At least Jewel understood, Blu thought. The love of his life had never ceased to treat him like he belonged, and it was because she knew he belonged...But why couldn't Blu believe that?
Pedro: Ya got some inferiority complex in this thing, Blu
Blu: Is anybody EVER going to make me look respectable in these stories?
Blu finally reached the tree him and his love Jewel were constructing their nest in.
Nico: I'm beginnin' to notice that every sentence Jewel is mentioned in this thing, the word 'love' follows it...
Pedro: It's like Moulin Rouge all over again...
It was a practical nest, filled with twigs and such.
Blu: The nestiest nest that ever nested. Did I mention it was a nest?
However, Blu suddenly noticed a blue figure through a hole leading to the nest, fast at work as well. At first, Blu thought it was Jewel, but something made him think otherwise...
"Why is there someone in our nest?" Jewel asked, suddenly appearing next to Blu, who almost jumped out of skin.
Jewel: That's right, I have the power to teleport. I forgot about that.
Pedro: No kiddin'?
"There's someone in our nest?" Blu asked frantically, not realizing it until now. Jewel gave Blu a somewhat-angry look, to which Blu suddenly changed his expression to act like he knew it.
"I mean...There's someone in our nest!" Blu exclaimed with resolute in his voice.
Pedro: "And in this scene, you can clearly see a sequence of Jewel forcing Blu to grow some jewels..."
Blu: Lovely, puns...
"Hey buddy, what are you doing in our nest?" Blu called up to the strange bird in his nest. A small, blue head suddenly poked out of tree's hole.
"Hello? Who said that?" A bird asked in a voice that sounded like it belonged to a fast-talking headliner reporter from the 1950s.
Blu: "Yeah, see! Knickbockers and the Yankees, see!"
Nico: "Or the fat lady gets it, see?!"
Jewel: I like how the author makes it so integral that he sounds like a reporter from the 1950s...
"I said, what are you doing in our nest?" Blu yelled again. The bird turned his head toward Blu, and then suddenly smiled widely. The bird quickly flapped his wings and fluttered down to meet with Blu and Jewel.
Blu immeadetly noticed something strange...He looked, from beak to toe, EXACTLY like him. Same colors, same beak, everything.
Blu: "It was then that Blu remembered he was subject to a cloning experiment that had gone terribly wrong...Now, whenever Blu gets angry or upset..."
The only difference was an obvious show of age. The bird had gray streaks in his feathers, and some spots of his feathers were even missing. It was clear he was in a fight or two. Also, he was wearing a black fedora that looked like it belonged in the 50's, and he held a pen in his mouth and a large bag on his back.
Blu: And we all thought fedoras looked bad on people...
Nico: Sounds pretty euphoric to me...
The bird quickly looked at Blu and Jewel with a happy grin.
Jewel: The fact he's grinning doesn't imply that he's happy?
"Extra Extra! Reporter bird finds two of his kind!" The bird said rapidly with his newspaper headliner voice. Blu and Jewel were both surprised when he mentioned their kind. Weren't they the only blue McCaws left? That's what Tulio made clear of. That was only reason originally that Blu came in the first place.
Blu: Evidently they forgot the part where the narrator described that he looked "exactly like them". Silly author, consistency is for good writers...
"Wait, who are you?" Jewel asked, just as confused as Blu was. The strange McCaw laughed, and then took out a notepad and stuck the pen he had into one of his claws.
Blu: "McCaw"? Sounds like the newest menu item at McDonalds...
Nico: Hey, I'd order a McCaw with a shake...
"I'm sorry my fellow birds! My name is Arthur. Arthur Jenkins would be my full name! Former pet of the famous writer for the Lauderdale Gazette, Andrew Jenkins! Glad to meet ya!" Arthur said with his headliner voice not ceasing, rapidly shaking Blu and Jewel's hands firmly.
Jewel: We happened to conveniently grow human appendages in that span of time...
"So...What kind of bird are you exactly?" Blu asked, trying to figure this all out. Arthur squinted at Blu for a few seconds, and then began investigating him from top to bottom.
"Well, judging by wing span, beak size, eye size and overall looks, I'd say I'm the same kind of bird as you, my fine, feathered fellow!" Arthur said, sounding like he knew it all along.
"Wait, you're a blue McCaw too?" Jewel asked, extremely confused by all of this.
Pedro: "A double Blue McCaw with cheese, hold the onions, with a diet soda!"
"Yes, my dear! A full-blooded, pure-bred blue McCaw!" Arthur assured, even pointing to his surprisingly still-blue tail feathers.
Blu: It was "surprising" due to the fact of how long this single scene has gone on that his tail remained such a color...
Blu and Jewel both exchange 100% shocked expressions.
Jewel: As opposed to...how much percent of a shocked expression?...
Pedro: I'm guessing a perked eyebrow is about fifteen percent?
Blu: I'm still trying to solve why the tense of the story changed...
Blu began to stutter non-sensically until he could finally sputter out his response.
Blu: "It became clear that he was speaking in tongues, and thus was possessed by the devil."
"...F...first of all, don't call my Jewel 'my dear'...Second, WHAT?" Blu screamed, absolutely losing his mind at this point. Arthur quickly whipped out his notepad once more.
Jewel: He's likely drawing a picture of Blu's heading spinning at this point...
Nico: Either that or a big bulge on him to represent his "love" for Jewel...
Blu: Guys, this is a kids program!
"Incredible story! Page 2 quality! Blue McCaws discover they're not the last of their kind! This is the big scoop I've been looking for!"
Nico: Ah!
Blu: Ah ah! He said it! He said the title!
Pedro: Too bad the title was about as big as this chapter got...
Blu: Well come on, it wasn't that bad...
Jewel: Bad things happen when you say that, Blu...
Blu: Well...maybe we should continue? It can't be terrible...
Nico: You wanna bet?
...
It's good to be back...
