Title: As Long As You're There
Show: LOCI
Pairing: Um, duh! BA!
Disclaimer: Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!
Rating: T
Spoilers: Loyalty part 1 and 2.
Authors Note: This came to me during the episode, but it's been a WIP for way too long. I envy those that can write a story and post it the same night. I can't do that. It takes me a while. As I'm sure you all know, Vincent D'Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe are returning to Criminal Intent, so this story has a different meaning now that we know they're back. Just pretend they're not for this story.
Summary: My take on what happened after the screen went black in Loyalty Part 2.
Chapter: 1
Bobby's lying on his back, his bulk sprawling across a good portion of his bed. He looks up at the ceiling wondering when the silence is going to swallow him whole; when the loneliness of his life is finally going to finish him off.
He made it home quickly from One Police Plaza. He drove himself home in his Mustang and the thought saddens him because he figures he'll more than likely have to sell it now.
He's unsure as to where his life will be going from here, but for some reason he's okay with it. More importantly, he's okay with himself. If he had to be fired, who better to fire him than his partner, his best friend, the one person he truly trusts? It was better than all the scenarios that have passed through his mind over the years.
Its okay, he thinks. It's not okay, but it's just…okay, he muses and realizes his thoughts are quite confusing.
He doesn't find Alex firing him as a sign of betrayal. Oh, no. Hell no. Instead, he finds loyalty behind her actions and it only makes him want her, love her more.
He suddenly finds himself frowning because he knows that Alex having to fire him killed her, shattered her. The way she cried, well, it hurt, it hurts. He remembers trying to be as strong as he could given the situation and he thinks he did a pretty damn good job but he doesn't truly know.
And he felt fine speaking to her, a little unsure of his future and of them, but okay nonetheless. But now he finds himself upset at the realization that he doesn't really have a reason to wake up tomorrow. Sleep in? He laughs bitterly. More importantly, though, he won't get to see her tomorrow and that's what's bothering him the most. Not that he lost the job he loves, not that his career that he's put everything he has into is over, but that he won't see her and be working with her every day.
Oh, Eames, he sadly thinks.
He doesn't want to see her sad - especially over him and his termination. It's the last thing he wants. He wants to see her happy, succeeding and doing well as the new captain of Major Case. He's proud of her. Did I tell her that? he suddenly wonders.
He's trying to push all his guilt, his pain, the aching feeling he has for her aside. It's been years since he's felt some peace in his life and although he just lost two of the best things in it, he's been prepared to deal with it for awhile now.
And it's really no surprise what the two most important things in his life are:
The first one is, of course, his job. Working at Major Case is his life, his passion. Was my life, he quickly corrects himself. Past tense, he sadly realizes. He knows it's what he was meant to do all along - knows it's what god put him on the earth to do. Bobby's sure of it. And he's okay with it ending, too. He's thought, on numerous occasions, that his risky actions and crazy behaviors would get him fired someday. He knew there would come a day when he didn't report to 1PP anymore. But more importantly, he knows its time. He wore out his welcome years ago.
The second and more important thing to him is indeed Alex.
God, I love her, he thinks not for the first time.
He shifts onto his side and tries not to think of her.
They always thought I was insane…Everyone but Eames. She always believed in me no matter the shit I pulled.
And to be fired by Alex is something he could never have foreseen in the future. He never planned for it to happen this way because, really, how could he?
And at the time, the only thing he could think to say to her was that it was okay. His words were mainly to comfort her, he knows. He allows himself to remember the fact that she quickly told him not to pretend. But he really meant it; still does. It's okay and things will eventually be okay. Its okay because of who the news was coming from. He's doesn't care to think of how things would have went down if she wasn't the one to tell him.
I already miss her, he thinks and sadly smiles into the dark. I wonder what she's doing…
Bobby closes his eyes, knowing full well that he's miserably failing at pushing her out of his thoughts – if only for the night. It's impossible to pull his mind away from her because he knows no matter what, he'll never forget her. He'll never stop loving her. Ever. And he never wants to. Doesn't really plan to either.
As he continues to lie in bed, his eyes gently closed, he recalls back to when they were standing in that office together for the last time.
She truly is the love of my life, was one of his first thoughts when he glimpsed into her eyes one last time at 1PP. But he knew she didn't feel the same way. And she was too emotional for him to make matters worse. He needed to leave well enough alone and give her some peace in life, away from him.
His eyes are tightly clenched shut now as he thinks back to their last conversation:
"I thought this might be…" he remembers her saying and then attempting to fill in the rest for her.
"Kinder, gentler…" he said in response. And it was. It was both. It was just better that way.
He remembers her whispering back to him: "Something like that."
He about lost it because her voice hitched and she was trying her best not to produce those tears that sought so badly to be released. Oh, how he wanted to reach out and hold her and never let go.
He had to make her feel better about all of this because this was in no way shape or form her fault. He remembers shuffling his feet, not really caring what words came out nor the order as long as they calmed her.
"Okay, so I'm fired, I get it," he said, smiling while doing so. He recalls rambling on with: "I mean, ya know, it's been a long time coming, right? I mean there was a couple of very mere…uh…but you know now that it…now that it's here, it's okay, it's not bad actually."
They both nodded at the 'couple of very mere' comment because they both knew exactly the experiences he was referring to. Some of those experiences still haunt them both. But then Alex heard the rest of his statement and her voice rose when he was telling her that it was okay. She wanted to be furious because it wasn't okay. None of this was fucking okay and how dare him for thinking that it was.
"It's bad. And you trying to make it…better only makes it worse," he recalls her saying in rebuttal through the tears, her hand flailing in front of her, possibly to hold him back, and, aw fuck, he thought at the time because she looked so sad. He'll never forget that look on her face. And he's pretty damn sure that when he looked at her, all the emotions he's tried to hide over the years were finally shown, visible to her. But he didn't care. He wanted her to see that he loved her, cared deeply for her, that he was being sincere, that this was breaking his fucking heart, even if it was only shown in his eyes for a few measly seconds.
I hope she got the message, he thought at the time, because it's all I can give her right now.
He remembers looking away and gently grabbing her right shoulder for a brief second. Just enough of a touch to…to…hell, he doesn't even know. He just needed to feel her. Just to let her know that he's still here and that it is alright and possibly to remind him that she's still here, too. At least for now.
And then he hears it, but doesn't believe it: "You're the best. You always will be."
He wanted to shout no, NO! He wanted to tell her that he's not the best, that she is, but all he could manage to get out was a soft 'sure.' And by the sad tone in his voice and the dark look in his eyes, Alex knew he didn't believe her.
As he walked away, Alex quickly glanced at him and then turned back ahead just in time to feel him lean down and kiss her cheek. He knows she was unprepared for it since she was looking away, but he also knows she welcomed it and him. Truth was, she took comfort in his soft lips pressed against her cheek and his warm bulk reassuringly pressed against her frame. The kiss lasted longer than a quick peck on the cheek should have, but it didn't matter. And then the hug he'll never forget instantaneously followed as they wrapped their arms tightly around each other. The feeling of his large arms wrapped around her made his head spin.
Bobby smiles as he remembers Alex reaching up on her tip toes and wrapping both arms around him. He remembers her squeezing, almost digging at his back for better leverage and then patting it a few times. He remembers how easy it was to hug her; how easily his arms wrapped around her and completely enveloped her and how easily he could have stayed like that for much longer than he did. He was amazed how well they fit together because he always figured it would be, well, awkward.
But it so wasn't. It was anything but.
And as quickly as it had happened, it ended. He wanted to lean back in for another kiss – maybe on the lips – and another hug, but he refrained from doing so. It's for the best, he told himself.
During their hug, Bobby had felt a connection with her that he felt had been disconnected for so long. They never did truly patch up the problems they had but something in that hug made him forget it all. That hug was the best thing to happen in his life in a long time. It's funny how a simple gesture – a hug – can have such an impact on someone, on him. And he could tell she didn't want to let go; neither of them did. He could see it in her eyes when they pulled back.
Both sets of eyes held so many questions. When will I see you? What happens now? What am I supposed to do now? How can I work without you? Will I ever see you again?
But then the joy that shined in Bobby's eyes was quickly replaced with hesitance.
"Well, I'll see ya around, I guess," he said and watched as she nodded her head. What else could he say? He was hoping she would speak up. He hoped she'd say something back to reassure him, but she didn't.
And he remembers saying it, the 'I guess' at the end because he really wasn't sure. For all he knew this would be the last time he'd see her. Or perhaps he'd pass her on the streets years down the road, re-married. Visualizing her married made him ache inside but he quickly realized that all he wants is for her to be happy.
He remembers wanting to glance at her longer before he left her office, just to savior the moment and wipe her tears away, but he had to resist. He crossed the line already by kissing her cheek and he was grateful when she didn't resist or for that matter look at him in horror.
When he walked out of the office and shut the door, it took every ounce of his being not to turn around just to get one more glimpse of her. He knew, however, that if he did he'd surely lose it in the middle of the bullpen. So he had to be professional about it and just get away from it, from her…the one thing he never wanted to do.
Now, as he continues to lay in his bed, alone, he can't help but think of her. He can't believe how much he already misses her. Is she truly the only thing that gives my life meaning? he suddenly wonders. He's afraid of the answer.
But life will go on. It has to…right? I can't be that dependent on her, can I?
And Bobby's no fool. He's fully-aware that the effects of this haven't fully sunk in yet. He knows it'll be hard, but it's still okay with him. He can move on as long as Eames is still in his life one way or another. And he's capable of finding another job. He's smart, resourceful; finding another job doesn't worry him. To him, this is a fresh start. The only thing about fresh starts in life is that when you start fresh, you tend to leave everything in your past behind. Or at least that's how he always viewed it. This time, though, he doesn't like the idea. It unsettles him because he doesn't want to leave her in his past. Everything else he can forget about as long as he doesn't forget about her. And he hopes he'll eventually forget the worst because there's only one thing, one person he doesn't want to leave behind. He needs her to be by his side. He needs her to keep him in line. He needs her to keep him sane because he feels like he's already going insane without her.
He sighs, closing his eyes as his sleeping pill finally kicks in. He had taken one when he was a few minutes from his house. He knew he'd need it.
For now, sleep, because tomorrow will be a new day.
And the last thing he remembers before he drifts off is something he said to Eames years ago: See, that's what happens when you keep people from doing what they do best…it makes them insane.
Bobby recalls saying those exact words to Eames after they arrested David Blake. He remembers saying it and thinking it was true. He also remembers saying it in reference to himself. He didn't need to say it was about him because he knew his partner, but more importantly, she knew him. He knew Eames would pick up on the reference.
He remembers believing in what he said; he still does actually. But there's a difference. He's different than David Blake. The difference is that Bobby knows working at Major Case is what he does, or did best, but he's sane enough to understand that he's good at other things; he can do other things. And unlike David Blake, Bobby knows this will not ruin him. He's been through too much in his life for anything to destroy him now.
And that's one of the only things getting him through this and keeping him sane right now.
A/N: The quote at the end is something Goren said to Eames in the episode, "Gone."
So, what do you think? I've been working on this for so damn long. Like I said, since the episode first aired. What can I say, I'm slow. I've had so many issues writing this.
Anyway, I hope you're enjoying this so far. Eames is up next! Please R&R. It motivates me!
-Snyder-
