m.y.s.t.i.f.i.e.d
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street intersection | cloudy sunset | pov: spencer
Will he ever come back?
My heart cried. My heart longed, my heart desired, my heart wished, my heart hoped. My heart wanted him back.
But would he ever return?
Walls built from sorrow and grief blocked me from him. I couldn't contact him in any way. He was gone. And maybe, forever. The feeling of hopelessness rained down on me, thoughts of him weighing my shoulders down.
Blue lines of anticipation threaded their way through the dark grey sinews of my loneliness, stitching together a bond of mixed feelings. I wanted him back, but would he ever forgive me?
I loved him, with all my heart. I wanted him by my side, to support me, help me. I wanted him to speak to me, and tell me what he wanted from me, too. Because I had been so sure that what he wanted was me.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I had hurt him, but I had never done it on purpose. I wasn't ready then, but perhaps now I was. I was foolish to think that tweaking with his inner feelings would do good. Trying to crack the code and using all my effort to find the truth of his heart, that was useless. I had to tell him what I felt too. He would not have showed me his card before I opened mine.
Perhaps I had been too cautious. Too scared, too fearful. I wasn't ready yet then, but now, I was prepared. In a different dimension, we would be together, our love melded into a birdsong that echoed within us forever. But now, he was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it. He was no longer there to be with me.
Realizing that I had seen him as no more than a friend put me to shame. I had viewed him as an annoying hurdle in front of the finish line, or a tree blocking the road to my success. At the same time, though, he was the rain to my clouds, the heat to my flames. The gun to my holster, the cold to my ice.
For all I cared, he could take me away now. He could fly me to his moon, and together we would be. He could showcase the stars of his life, the darkness of his past, and I would help him go through it. He could be honest to me now. But maybe I couldn't.
A sea of sadness drowned me alive. A bolt of anger struck me. A volcano of my frustration erupted, magma fire surrounding me. I was caught in a delirium, unable to feel emotion anymore. He was gone, and I felt deathly empty. I was never going to see him again, was I? The pain was too great; the toll to large.
I deserved this. I deserved his departure. But he didn't. It was all my fault. If I hadn't rejected him in the first place, all this would never have happened. If only I could hit rewind and try this all over again.
Then I heard thunders from above. I looked up to see the drops of water from above, but made no move to find shelter. I kind of liked this feeling. The feeling of his loss draping curtains all over me. I couldn't say anything else.
He was gone, and it was all my fault.
