Title: The Casual Observer
Rating: PG, I guess.
Pairing: Lily/James, Remus/Sirius
Summary/Author's Notes: Remus plays his role as spectator once again. Written for a literary quote challenge at LunarFics on LiveJournal. Angsty. Feedback is hugely appreciated, as is constructive criticism. This is un-beta-ed, so I apologize for any awful mistakes, I just ran out of time.
The Casual Observer
Remus sat quietly on the sidelines, observing. As always. He was used to it by now; years of Quidditch matches in the freezing rain and pranks he refused to take part in but bore witness to all the same had made the sidelines not only commonplace, but comfortable.
But not now. This was a different kind of observing. This wasn't casual, lazily watching with mild amusement as his friends make fools of themselves. This was the kind of observing he had never dreamed he would be doing.
He smiled softly, if a bit tersely, at baby Harry as he yanked on Padfoot's tail, baby laughter gurgling from his mouth like water from a fountain. James scooped Harry into his arms and tossed him into the air before settling him across Padfoot's broad shoulders.
Remus felt Lily tense next to him, every bit the protective mother. It's not that I don't trust Sirius, Lily had told him once. It's just that...well, maybe that is a big part of it.
Lightly, reassuringly, he squeezed her denim-clad knee.
He hoped his hand wasn't shaking.
It seemed that he never stopped shaking these days. Not since Dumbledore had warned him 3 months ago that there may be a traitor amongst the Marauders. Not since he stopped sleeping for more than 45 consecutive minutes. Not since he cut himself off from James, Lily, Harry, and Peter. From Sirius.
He still saw them, was still Remus-the-sensible-one, but he was on edge, always aware, never trusting. Constant vigilance, he thought wryly.
Remus watched James shuffle along on his knees after Padfoot and Harry, playing 'monster' and making sure his son didn't topple off at the same time. Peter sitting on the floor grinning and chattering, still with a bit of insecurity, obviously wondering if it all really was funny or if he should be less amused. Lily next to him, face flush with laughter and green eyes dancing.
And his heart broke.
One of them was traitor. A spy. A murderer. He fought tears as he, once again, realized that it really could only be one person.
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Sirius and Remus lay in bed, side by side, in an uneasy silence. Remus tensed even more when Sirius sat up and swung his feet down to the floor.
"Where are you going?" he asked, hoping he didn't sound too anxious.
Sirius pulled his jeans and shoes on before answering. "Just for a walk. Too wired to sleep."
"I'll go with you," Remus offered, slipping out of bed, praying his voice didn't betray the panic that was bubbling up inside his chest.
"No, no. You just go back to bed." Sirius crossed to him and put a hand to Remus's cheek, brushing his thumb along the long scar there before catching him in a soft kiss. He pulled back slightly, staring at Remus, memorizing his face, before he turned to leave.
"I'll be back after a while," he called over his shoulder as he went for the door. He stopped and turned at the threshold. "I love you, Remus."
Remus raised his eyes to Sirius's, meeting his intense gaze. "Love you."
Sirius smiled and left their flat, leaving Remus alone at the foot of the bed. A harsh sob tore from his throat as he collapsed onto the bed, curled in a ball.
Remus's last coherent thought was that Oscar Wilde had been wrong. It wasn't only the faithless who knew love's tragedies.
The candlelight from the small jack-o-lantern on the window ledge cast an eerie flickering light over his small shaking form.
