Title: I Knew, and I'll Never Know

Author: Angel Leviathan

Rating: PG-13 in case

Spoilers: Anything, everything.

Season: 7

Notes: Well this one crept up on me. I know I have a load of fics to finish and I'm writing even more that aren't even SG-1, but if I don't write these things down then they go round and round in my head and bug me forever. Anyway, some of this is how I'd feel if I were Sam, considering the position she's in.

-

Sam smiled and tried not to laugh, "I never did ask you what happened during those time loops."

Daniel shook his head, "Probably best not to ask."

"No, really, what did you do?" she laughed, leaning back against the door.

Jack stared at the computer screen for a few seconds, "That's between me, Teal'c and the walls of the SGC."

Daniel raised an eyebrow, but didn't push the subject, "Are you done yet? Or am I still needed?"

The Colonel blinked, "Anybody would think you were trying to escape, Daniel Jackson."

"Well, that's one thing I don't.." he paused, "..think I missed," he shook his head, still not exactly sure what had happened during his ascended days, "Was you ringing through to my office every other hour asking for a name or reference to the culture we just encountered. I should be credited at the bottom of your reports."

"That's pushing it," Jack gave a half grin, "Nah, I'm done. Well, nearly."

"Now I can get back to my book," Daniel stood and opened the door to Jack's office, "Anyone needs me, I'll be in my office, coffee in one hand, book in the other," he grinned at Sam and shut the door behind him.

"Fixed the fault, Sir, or can I head after Daniel?" Sam questioned.

"I think its fixed," Jack replied, "But if you hear screaming and swearing as you walk down the corridor, I expect you to come running, Major."

"Yes, Sir," she smiled. She paused half way out the door, "What did you do in the time loops?" she asked quietly.

Jack frowned, "That was nearly three years ago, Carter."

Sam raised an eyebrow, "Then why wont you answer the question?"

"Sit back down and promise not to tell a soul?"

"Sure," she closed the door and took a seat.

Jack's voice took on the tone of an over enthusiastic interviewer, "Well, we played some golf, learnt a lot of Latin-"

"The interesting stuff, Sir," Sam smiled.

"Patience, Major," he held up a hand, "I believe Teal'c slammed a door in an SF's face.."

"Really?"

"Or so he admits. I think I rode a bike through the SGC…tried my hand at pottery-"

"You, pottery?" she laughed.

"I wasn't that bad by the end!" Jack protested, "What else…" he paused, "Confused and annoyed Daniel a lot…" he trailed off and suddenly wouldn't look at her.
"What?" Sam was still laughing, "It can't be that bad. Come on, tell," she smiled.

He was silent for a few more moments. He could lie. No, that wouldn't work. He didn't like lying to anybody, unless he had to, and especially not his team and her. Make something amusing up? Keep her laughing? No. It'd been three years…..still he didn't know how to gauge her reaction, "…And…I er…..kissed you," he winced internally.

Sam kept laughing to try and hide the sudden stab of pain in her heart. Kept laughing for at least another minute, trying to sort out things in her head…..then she trailed off into complete silence, staring at him, "…You…did what?"

"…I kissed you…" he said in an even tone.

"Oh…" was just about all she could manage. A million questions were racing through her mind….

"Carter…?"

"…Did you not want me to remember? Did you not want me to know….?" Sam asked quietly.

"No! I mean, it wasn't like that," Jack tried.

"Then what was it?" she questioned, emotionlessly.

He honestly had no idea what to say. That he wanted to kiss her for so long and so took the opportunity? That it had been the only way unless they both wanted court martial?

"….I wanted to kiss you…" he said, sounding quite lame, even to himself.

"Then why didn't you?" Sam shot back, still quietly, but almost immediately.

"You know why," Jack countered.

"No," she shook her head, "If you really wanted to kiss me….then why didn't you find a way to? There are plenty of ways that nobody would have seen you…" her heart hurt and talking seemed to be the only way she could keep it at bay for a few seconds at a time.

He blinked, "…You want me to kiss you?"

Sam stood up, "No…..no I don't…." she quickly backed away, opened the door and slammed it quite neatly behind her.

Jack stared at the door for a while in complete shock, before covering his face with his hands, "Damnit…."

-

She couldn't believe it. All these years and he hadn't said anything. Not that it was something that would come up in conversation…..but she trusted him enough to hope he would admit to something like that without prompting. And there she'd been, believing she was the one out of the two of them that she couldn't trust. But at the first opportunity…. Sam shook her head. It wasn't exactly a violation…..yet somehow it was. Then suddenly it hit her. She trusted him with her life…trusted him to keep her alive and protect her…..but she didn't trust him with her. Her feelings, her heart, her mind. Now that she could tell the difference between the two feelings…she wasn't sure if she could trust him in any shape or form. She cursed herself for asking the question. If only she'd kept her mouth shut- but did she want to go on ignorantly whilst he kept the knowledge of what he'd done to himself? She opened the door to her quarters and closed it quietly behind her, taking the few steps to the bed. Sam sat down on it, back against the wall. He was her CO, her leader, the man she had to have complete faith in. Except she didn't. Not anymore.

-

A few hours later, she had made her decision. It might be a bit extreme….but it would have to do. For now. Sam left her quarters and made her way to the Colonel's, rapping quietly on the door. Getting no answer, she opened it slightly and looked inside. She saw Jack lying on the bed, eyes closed, chest rising and falling in the slow rhythm of sleep. Sam stepped inside and closed the door behind her, as silently as she could manage. She didn't move from the door.

"There's something I have to say to you," she said quietly, so as not to wake him. It was easier this way, with him sleeping. She could get her feelings off her chest without digging herself deeper into a hole, "I, er, I have to go away for a while. I think you're a wonderful leader and a exactly the man who should be second in command of this base…….but that's not you is it? And after finding out what you did….I'm not sure I can trust you…at least…not where our feelings are concerned. I know it must show that you do have some sort of feelings for me….otherwise, why would you have kissed me? I know you act like a big kid sometimes and joke around a lot…but I don't think you'd play around with me like that. At least, I hope you wouldn't. So….I guess I can't tell anymore. Where the Colonel ends and you begin and which one of you cares for me at all, or even if you care about me, the person, or just the Major…." Sam shook her head slightly and stepped back toward the door, opening it again, "….I'm sorry you stole my heart….and I have to go before you break it.......again."

-

"Sir? May I come in?"

"Major, of course," Hammond waved her into a seat, "What can I do for you?"

Sam sat down, "I'm not sure quite how to put this, Sir….but I know I have to do it. At least, for now."

The General frowned, "You're starting to worry me, Major."

"Not as much as I am myself, Sir," she straightened her shoulders and looked straight at him, "I'd like to request a transferral back to the Pentagon. At least, for now. I'm not sure if I want to come back."

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