Celebrity Death Match

Harry Potter Edition

Disclaimer: you know the drill.  I don't own Harry Potter, the characters, or anything else.  I also don't own Celebrity Death Match or anything affiliated with that. 

Summary: What if the Harry Potter characters headed for the ring in the style of the  popular Celebrity Death Match fights?

ROUND I: Minerva McGonagall VERSUS Sibyll Trelawney

Danielle:  Good evening folks, and welcome to the first round of competition of the special Harry Potter edition of Celebrity Death Match!  We're in for an exciting first round of competition here tonight as Minerva 'The Cat' McGonagall takes on Sibyll 'The Seer' Trelawney. 

Sky:  That's right, Danielle.  I have to say that this fight has been a long time in coming!  The combatants are climbing into their corners right now, let's see if we can't get a comment from the fighters. 

**Camera change: McGonagall's corner**

McGonagall It's time to pay the piper, bat!  I've been waiting a long time to hand your sorry head to you! 

**Camera change: Trelawney's corner**

Trelawney  I see bruises in your future, Minerva!  I do hope you've been working on you pilates!  Oh, that's right, you can't seem to manage a single solitary pushup!  Come on over, bitch!  Destiny beckons!

**Camera change: McGonagall's corner**

McGonagall You just crossed it, slut!

**Camera change: Trelawney's corner**

Trelawney  What did you just call me?

**Camera change: McGonagall's corner**

McGonagall You can't tell me that you think the whole school didn't hear you banging the living daylights out of Professor—

**Camera change: Trelawney's corner**

Trelawney Oh really!?  And I suppose you mean to say that it wasn't you giving the Headmaster the old one two last night?!  Now who's the slut?

**Camera change: Back to the commentators' table**

Danielle: Ooooh.  Trelawney probably shouldn't have done that…*wince*

Sky: The referee is moving to the middle of the ring, now.  The whistle is blown and the fight is on!  Brilliant opening move by McGonagall as she uses the classic "Expelliarmus" opener. 

Danielle: Right you are!  And it seems to have made quick work of Trelawney.  Funny…you would think that she'd have seen that coming…

Sky: Wait a minute!  Trelawney is getting back up!  What's that she has?  A chair!  She's running across the ring!  Ladies and gentleman, those of you with weak stomachs may want to turn away!  This is not going to be pretty! 

**CRASH!**    **Crowd –gasp!—and WHOAH!**

Danielle: Quick thinking by McGonagall!  She saves herself from potentially serious head injury by turning the chair into a pig!  Trelawney should have known that there are few props you can get by a transfiguration professor!  ((pig runs squealing about the ring and falls out of it))

Sky (jumps up and down and cheers) :Wao!!!  Go Minerva!  Get her!!  Ah-hem.   Absolutely, Danielle, Trelawney's performance tonight is nothing short of sloppy! 

Danielle: Wait a minute here…there's something happening with Trelawney's wand!  ((pig is still squealing))

Trelawney screams, "Incendio!!"

((Pig is finally caught and silenced))

Danielle: I can't believe it!  She's set McGonagall's hair on fire!  I haven't seen this level of abuse since…well…since ever!  How's the Cat going to fight her way out of this one?  Wait!  Is that?  YES!  IT IS! 

Sky: IT WAS A WIG!  LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, MINERVA MCGONAGALL WAS WEARING A WIG!  She rips the burning wig from her head and charges!

McGonagall yells, "I'm gonna squash you like the BUG you are!"

Danielle: McGonagall lunges and misses!  Ow!  That's gonna leave a mark as McGonagall rams face-first into the corner post!  But wait!  She's on the ropes, ladies and gentlemen!  She bounces off the top rope and leaps gracefully across the ring and---She's done it!  McGonagall has stolen Trelawney's glasses! 

Sky: YES!  (cough-cough) I mean, Trelawney is really hurting now, folks!  It doesn't look like it will take much else to finish this match up, Danielle! 

Danielle: You've got that right, Sky.  McGonagall is climbing the ropes again!  She bounces to work up some momentum and leaps!  Oh!  I can't watch!

McGonagall body slams Trelawney

**Crowd: OUCH!  OOHH!  THAT HAD TO HURT!**

Sky: Oh my God!  Trelawney is back up and what's this?!  She's got McGonagall's flaming wig!  She's spinning it around in the air!  There's the throw!

The wig sails through the air and catches Minerva's skirt

Danielle: This could mean big trouble for McGonagall if she doesn't get that fire out, Sky!

Sky: She's floundering a little!  C'mon, McGonagall, snap out of it!

Danielle: Trelawney must have really done her homework on this one, Sky, it's a little known fact that Minerva McGonagall is afraid of fire!  I wonder who sold out *that* secret? 

Backstage: Draco Malfoy cackles maniacally as a stranger in a trench coat, hat and shades dashes out a stage door

Sky: Look!  I think McGonagall is ready to fire back!  Pardon the pun!  She's thrown down her wand and she's running across the ring!  Oh no, Trelawney is frozen in fear! 

Danielle: Don't look now, folks!  McGonagall has thrown herself on top of a half-blinded Trelawney!  She's pulling the pins out of Trelawney's hair!  Oh, no!  This is too brutal ladies and gentleman!  For those of you watching at home, you may want to send the kids to bed right now because—

Minerva holds up a long pin and releases a war cry much like a caged beast before plunging it down toward Sibyll's face 

Sky: I can't watch this!  Who knew such a brutality lived in such a calm exterior? 

Danielle: Wait!  That's impossible!  Sibyll Trelawney has managed to escape the wrath of 'The Cat'! 

Sky: WHAT!! 

Danielle: That's what I said, Sky!  Trelawney has mysteriously disappeared! 

McGonagall slams the pin into the mat with every ounce of force she can muster

There is a bat flapping about the lights above the ring

McGonagall looks up…hmmm

Danielle: Boy, McGonagall might not have been doing pilates people, but our sources here at Celebrity Death Match tell us that she has in fact been lifting weights for some time in anticipation of this match! 

Sky: How can McGonagall think her way out of this one? 

((Her skirt hem is still smoldering))

Danielle: If she's thinking what I think she's thinking…

Sky: (shocked) Would she resort to that?

Danielle: We're going to have to see when we return from these messages from our sponsors! 

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Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Educating the finest young wizarding minds for over 200 years!  Mention that you heard this ad and receive a free plush toy in the form of your child's house mascot!  Makes a great gift idea!  We're on the web!  Click on over to www.hogwartsschool.com and see our new interactive, 3D game!  Also see our new virtual tour.  We are currently looking for a capable, qualified individual to fill a vacancy in our Defense Against the Dark Arts class.  Applicants must possess very high grades at both O.W.L level and N.E.W.T level.  Applicants should be well organized, not particularly vain, and should also value a fast-paced, challenging work environment.  Please send resume, curriculum vitae and references by owl to:

            Professor Minerva McGonagall

            Deputy Headmistress, Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Hogwart's is an equal opportunity employer

Danielle: Back to live action!  Before the break we saw quite an impressive fight begin out here, Sky!  

Sky: That's right, Danielle!  The battle between Minerva "The Cat" McGonagall and Sibyll "The Seer" Trelawney is nearing its end here, I think!

Danielle: Right you are, Sky!  It seems that Professor McGonagall has taken matters into her own hands—or is it PAWS!  Professor McGonagall has transfigured herself into her Animagus form of a cat!  You know what they say about bats, right, Sky?

Sky:  Oh yes, I do, Danielle.  A bat is nothing but a flying MOUSE! 

McGonagall walks across the ropes to the middle of the one closest to the commentators' table and leaps up as hard as she can—catching a mouthful of bat!

**Crowd: jumping up and down and cheering!**

Danielle: I DON'T BELIEVE IT!  MINERVA 'THE CAT' MCGONAGALL HAS CAUGHT TRELAWNEY! 

There is a sickening crunch in the middle of the ring

**Crowd: EEeeewww!!**

((The lights in the stadium go out!))

Sky: We seem to be having technical difficulties here, Danielle!  The technicians tell me that they only need another minute to get the lights back! 

Lights come back on to show a gray tabby cat in the middle of the ring, licking her paws and washing her face with them

**Crowd: stunned silence**

Danielle: Boy, Professor McGonagall sure made short work of this one, didn't she!

Sky: (jumping up and down again) YES!  YES!  The referee is going to the middle of the ring now…he's picking up the cat…There's the bell!  The winner is Minerva 'The Cat' McGonagall! 

**Crowd: goes wild!!**