My life has drastically changed since I graduated from the Trainee Corps. I'm no longer the quiet girl from the farm, innocent and naïve to the world. I'm still confused. I'm still hurting from all the misfortune I've had thrown in front of me. But I'm surviving. Because I have to. For him.

My inital aim was to join the Military Police. I dreamed of being safe, deep inside Wall Sina, where I could have a family - people to love, and who will love me, until I simply die from old age. I told myself it was because I wanted to see the Capital, the bright colours, the joy, the excitement of living in such a wonderful, lively place. In all honesty, I just wanted to be myself. To be free. I thought that joining the military was the only way I had out.

All my life, I lived with my mother and father in a small farming village. It was tucked away enough that I had never even seen a titan until I graduated as a soldier. My father was a farmer, my mother a seamstress. When I was a child, I was simply expected to help my mother make dresses for all the other girls in the village, following the tradition of all those before me. Sometimes, I'd jump in the back of my fathers cart as he went to work, to explore the land, play freely as all small children should.

"Petra, girls don't farm and play in the dirt. They cook, clean and sew." I can remember my father looking down his nose at me, with the most disgusted look on his face. He spat out his next words as if they were acidic. "If you must fool around in the filth, help your mother plant flowers beneath the windows. Make something beautiful for a change." Then he'd haul me back into the cart, not speaking a single word to me for the entire journey home. We probably wouldn't exchange words again until the next time I'd make another mistake.

Maybe that's why I was a rebel as a child, because I longed for his attention. Maybe it's just because I'm not supposed to be the kind of girl who plants flowers and cleans for the rest of her life. I knew I was different, I just didn't know how. I didn't know how to figure it out for myself. It wasn't as if I even had any friends as a child to help me find who I truly was. The girls didn't like me because I wouldn't play dolls, and the boys thought I was a freak for wearing jeans and picking worms out of the ground. Like that wasn't what they did. But in my village, you were supposed to act a certain way. Be a stereotype. Conform to what society wants you to be. I never had a true friend. I never had a boyfriend. Even my parents rejected who I really was. So I signed up to join the military, much to the entire village's disgust. If they didn't hate me enough already, they did now. My father didn't speak a word, didn't even look me in the eye on the day I left. Like I had disgraced the family's name. I couldn't care less. I would be free, to be myself, to start again. I would be stronger. I would achieve my dreams. I left without looking back.

Present Day:

All my training had brought me to this day. I was finally graduating. I looked at my friends around me, beaming smiles on their faces, like it was the best day of their lives. For most of us, it was. We've all had hardships in our lives, and that was something I learnt whilst training with them for all those years. There wasn't many of us who have had an easy life. There wasn't many privileged people in the military.

I'm sure my heart stopped beating for a second when Zackley walked onto the stage in front of me, ready to deliver us to our fate. That's when everything changed. I felt my stomach twist as he read the results out. I wasn't in the Top 10. I was #24, just below Henning. God, I'm stupid for even thinking I'd rank high. Suddenly, I stopped listening to Zackley's great speech and all I could hear was a high pitched ringing in my ears. I could feel my head spinning and my whole body shaking as if I was going to be violently sick any minute. I had worked so hard, so damn hard, harder than I ever worked back at home...but I guess that's a completely different type of work. I couldn't even think straight, what the hell was I supposed to do? My dreams of joining the Military Police and living inside Wall Sina were obliterated. That's the only reason I signed up in the first place. Stupid, I know, to get my hopes up. I really believed I could do it - if I worked hard enough...and I worked so fucking hard that I'd go back to my dorm with bleeding hands and bruises all over my body every night I trained. All for nothing. I closed my eyes as I could just make out the sound of the loudspeaker welcoming the leaders of the three divisions. I couldn't look at them. If I saw them, I'd probably pass out. I wrapped my arms around my chest to try and hide the shivers running through my entire body.

~I can't do this. I'm not joining the Garrison. Sent to patrol? I'll only end up back in that hell I call my hometown, and what would they think of me then? God, fuck what they think, I couldn't do it to myself. I can't live within these same walls for the rest of my life. But the Survey Corps? I'm nowhere near skilled enough, I've never even seen a Titan, it'd be the end of me, I'm stronger than I was before but I'm nowhere near that strong...not strong enough to survive against them. Maybe I should just join the Garrison. I mean, I can always protest against going back home? I'm sure they'd understand, they must have it all the t-~

"Welcome, new recruits."

My rambling thoughts were interrupted by a low, husky voice booming through the speaker. My eyes shot open before he could even finish the sentence. That's when I saw him. A man who could have been sent from heaven for all I knew. There was nobody like him back home. He was a giant of a man, at least 6'2, his blonde hair pushed perfectly to the side, his piercing blue eyes staring into us all from under his dark, full eyebrows. His jaw was perfectly chiselled and the right side of his mouth grew into a half smile as he scanned us all. I'd never seen such a beautiful man in my life. I couldn't take my eyes off his shirt that perfectly formed around the abs he couldn't hide if he wanted to. If only that jacket wasn't there...

That jacket. My eyes widened as I saw the crest he wore with pride, and I realised my panicked train of thought earlier had caused me to miss the most important part of the entire ceremony. Choosing your division. My mind had chosen for me, without my heart having a say.

I was part of the Survey Corps.

My arms dropped to my sides as I lost all physical control of my body, it took me all my strength not to fall to my knees. There wasn't many people left around me, they'd all gone to join the Garrison. Half of the people around me looked just as scared as I did. Much different to the smiles we all wore only moments ago. Henning was still here, his eyes empty, fixed into the distance as if he was having the exact same thoughts as I, about being a damn coward, a sheep that's lost their way. He wanted to join the Military Police too, that was one thing we bonded over in when we were training - how we both wanted to escape and just be fucking happy for once. Was that even possible now? I'll be dead in months, maybe even weeks. The only thing my petite figure is good for is running away. That was the thing I got marked highest for in training - speed. Maybe if I just run now...

Erwin's voice broke through my thoughts yet again. It was like my mind couldn't focus on one thing, like it was scattered around in broken pieces. Like my entire life has been for as long as I can remember. Broken.

"I hope you all know what you're getting yourselves into. The Survey Corps are not weak hearted. We're strong, probably the strongest." Erwin chuckled to himself, before maintaining his strong persona and his facial expression that just screams power. "I understand some of you may be more skilled than others, and we will be putting you into teams depending on your rank score. The strong with the weak. We will balance you, nobody will be left behind. Death is something that you will have to learn to accept, to deal with, and only by working together, and working hard, can we overcome and beat it. But you will never forget the pain. We will train you. We will make you stronger. You'll learn what it really means to protect society, fight against the Titans, and fight for what you believe in. I don't want anyone to be scared, but you must learn that this is a hard and gruelling mission that we have. I will help you as much as I can, but there is only so much I can do. You must find yourself."

Erwin's last words hit me harder than anything he had said before. I must find myself. He spoke with such conviction that I was ready to believe anything he told me. He could tell me the world had stopped spinning and I would believe him. I can do this. I can fight through this.

I will not be the naive little girl from the farm anymore.