Disclaimer: I don't own them, if I did, I wouldn't be sat at home alone on the computer
POV: Sara's
Rating: M (For later chapters)
Pairing: C/S
Spoilers: Small ones for Built to Kill Pts 1 & 2, but nothing too specific

A/N: This is my take on what should have happened after Built to Kill. Although I've changed a few things to fit the story; I'm not going to point them out as they're tiny things anyway. I hope someone likes this, and as always, feedback is welcome.


Prologue

She called on me, she needed me. Yet I'm just sat here, not doing anything to help her. Sure, I did as she asked. I processed the room, I didn't tell anyone. Not that that made any difference at all, as everyone found out in the end. But Catherine needed me and now I'm lying in bed doing nothing while she suffers alone. It's a week since Sam was shot, a week since I last saw Catherine and instead of reaching out to her, I allow my own stupid fears to cripple me.

I know things haven't exactly been easy between us. At its best our relationship has always been strained. Yet, I can't help but care about her. I don't know why I do, she's always gone out of her way to be nasty to me, but there's just something about her that draws me to her. It's not her beauty – of course that helps, but it's her determination, her strength, her passion. Plus she's probably the one person that can really get under my skin. All in all, she's my idea of a perfect woman. But there's no way I'd ever tell her how I truly feel. Not because she's a woman, I've been with a fair few over the years, it's because it's her. I'm such a masochist, falling for a woman who hates me. I'm finally in a relationship with a man I thought I wanted for six years, but all I can think about is Catherine. I've ignored Grissom's calls, only talked to him when we've had a case at work because I'm so consumed with Catherine. I know I'll have to talk to him eventually, but right now I suffer in silence.

I wish I could say that when I wake up later today, I'll go to see Catherine. I'll go to see if she's ok, take her out for breakfast, maybe even tell her how I feel. Not because I expect my feelings to be reciprocated, but because then I won't regret not telling her for the rest of my life. I wish I could say that I'll call Grissom and tell him that I'm sorry but I got it all wrong, that he's not the one I truly want. But I know that when I wake, I'll go about my usual business, get ready for work, I'll work my shift pretending I don't notice Catherine's absence and blowing off Grissom, I'll go home and shower to try and wash away all the awful things I see during my shift and then I'll lie here again contemplating the sham that is my life. I know I need to do something, change something, pull myself out of the rut I've been stuck in my entire life, but I can't. Like always, I'm too afraid.


Chapter One

When I walked in tonight, to say I was shocked to see Catherine was an understatement. I think my jaw is bruised from where it hit the floor. I was even more shocked to find out she had taken over Grissom's role of supervisor as he was away at a conference. I shouldn't be surprised that he didn't tell me he was going somewhere, I've hardly been the most receptive of girlfriends recently, but still, I'm a bit disappointed he didn't let me know. But what disappoints me more is that he thinks Catherine is remotely strong enough to be back at work so soon, let alone be left in charge for three days. She's just been through hell and back and he thinks she's ok to be working? Jesus, that man really does have the emotional capacity of an ant. God knows what I'm doing with him. But then again, am I much better? Instead of reaching out to Catherine when she needed someone, I sat back and did nothing, so I guess I'm not much better.

At least I got to go solo tonight. Catherine assigned Warrick and Greg to a hit and run, Nick to a B & E, and me to a suspicious circs. She had paperwork to catch up on apparently. Secretly, I'm glad she wasn't out in the field; at least I know she wasn't overdoing it. But my suspicious circs turned out to be completely unsuspicious so I'm stuck in the break room doing paperwork. Knowing Catherine is just down the hallway is rather distracting though and part of me wants to go talk to her and find out if she's ok, but I can't. A bigger part of me is too scared, just like always, so I sit here alone with my thoughts.

Then I'm pulled from my thoughts by a gentle hand on my shoulder. I don't need to turn around to know who it is – her aura precedes her. I turn and blue eyes meet mine.

"Catherine?"

"I didn't know you were back, I came in to get more coffee. Why don't you bring that to my office and work in there? I could use the company."

With that, she grabs the cup, and walks out the room, not giving me the chance to answer. I must have really been daydreaming, she'd made us both coffee and I hadn't even noticed. I take a sip – black, three sugars, just how I like it. How does she know how I take my coffee? I know how she takes hers, but only because I watch her. A lucky guess? I grab the files and my coffee and head to her office. The door is closed so I knock, even though she invited me.

"Come in."

I open the door and I'm greeted by her smile, and I can't help but smile back. She's beautiful anyway, but when she smiles it's like the whole room lights up. I sit opposite her and open one of the files, not really knowing what to say. I can feel her gaze on me so I look up and meet her eyes. She doesn't say anything, just continues looking at me, so I guess she's waiting for me to speak.

"What's on your mind Catherine?"

"You."

"Me?"

She looks away, and I swear she's blushing, and when her eyes meet mine again, I know I was right. I don't comment on it though, I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. I stay silent, giving her more time to speak. After what feels like an eternity, she clears her throat.

"Yes, you. I realised I never really thanked you for what you did."

"What do you mean?"

"That…that day when you processed the room for me…I never really thanked you for it."

"Catherine, there's no need to thank me. Anyone would have done the same."

"No, you did it, no questions asked, no fuss. You just…did it. And I needed that. So, thank you."

She looks away again and silence reigns. I don't know what to say, yet there's so much I need to ask her. For the first time in years, I ignore my fears and decide to really make an effort with her.

"Cath…how are you dealing with everything?"

She doesn't say anything, and for a moment I think she's ignoring me, but then her shoulders begin to shake and she lets out a quiet sob. Before I know what I'm doing I've crossed the room and wrapped my arms round her, holding onto her tightly while she sobs. She reaches out, holding me even tighter, every sob adding another crack to my already broken heart. When her sobs lessen, my automatic reaction is to pull away, but when I try to she holds me tighter, burying her head in my neck. Eventually, she leans back but doesn't let me go, and meets my eyes again.

"You know, you're the first person to ask me that."

"Ask you what?"

Ok, I know, not very eloquent, but being so close to Catherine isn't making coherent thought very easy.

"You're the first person to ask me how I'm dealing with things. I guess I haven't given anyone any reason to think I'm not ok, but acting like I'm ok doesn't mean that I am. I think I was just trying to be strong for Lindsay's sake. She's been through so much and I needed to be strong for her so she could get through this. But, I've spent all my time trying to comfort her, and not focussed on myself, and now I don't know how to cope. How am I supposed to go out in the field when I'm afraid every time I leave the house? How am I supposed to pretend everything's alright when I don't even want to get out of bed? How am I supposed to convince my little girl she's safe when I don't feel safe myself? Just how…"

She breaks down in tears again and I just hold her as she lets it all out. I feel choked up too, but no tears come to me. I rarely cry, it makes me feel weak, and right now I need to be strong for Catherine. I hate seeing her like this. I hate seeing her so broken. I want the confident, strong Catherine back. I'm the one who's afraid of everything, not her. Catherine faces things head on, she doesn't hide from them. When she finally stops crying, I keep holding her tightly until she pulls back again. She gives me a weak smile.

"God, I didn't think you had it in you to be this caring Sidle."

"Well, you learn something new every day."

Her smile is faint, but at least it's there. At this moment, I know I'm going to do everything in my power to make her smile again. Fuck it, I'm putting myself on the line here, but if I manage to make Catherine smile, I don't care.

"Cath? I know you need to try and keep things in Lindsey's life as stable as possible right now, but why don't you and her come and stay with me for a while? I know it might not be convenient, but you might feel a little safer and I think the company would be good for me too."

Her smile lights up the room.

"I'd love to."

TBC