Preface
Dear Diary,
Well I did it again. Yes I completely fucked up ANOTHER friendship. All by just being myself and telling her the honest truth –and you know the saying "Well the truth hurts"- well my cheek is definitely hurting. She slapped me, called a bitch and say that I didn't understand and that I can go ahead a kill myself. I feel like I should. It'd be better than living in my fucked up life. I mean being the oldest daughter to a drunken bastard, trying to raise my two younger siblings AND working full time at the local ice cream factory, puts so much stress on me. One day everything is peachy and going good… then I get home and dad is drunk, siblings are fighting and they yell at you for making mother go away. I just don't know what to do anymore…..don't know how much more I can take this.
I closed the book and let out a sigh. Brushing the small strands of blonde hair that fell into my eyes behind my ear, I looked towards the door hearing things being thrown against the walls and curses flying from my father's mouth. I got up from my desk chair and walked towards the door, slowly opening it and checking the hallway. Everything was still hanging on the wall from where I last hung them this morning, and my sisters' door still shut. I walk out of my room and knock softly on their door, before cracking it open so I can slip in. I looked at them, still asleep in their beds, and smiled softly. They looked so peaceful and innocent and people looking in would never begin to imagine the type of home they grow up in. A home full of hate by a father, a over-worked sister trying to make their lives easy and an empty promise that their mother would return home.
Still smiling, I returned to the hallway and made sure the door was locked. I didn't want father to go into their room and do something that I would blame myself for letting it happen. Turning away from the door, I looked at the end of the hallway to see father leaning against the door frame to his room, his arm resting on it while his head was ducked down. His posture was in general slouched, his jeans covered in dirt from the work day, his white tank top smeared with the brown dust that came up when he dug into the ground. Feeling my stare, father looked up at me and sneered.
"What the fuck are you looking at?" His eyes were glazed over and his beard was turning to gray. I hadn't notice it before but my father's age is beginning to show as I took note of all the wrinkles by his eyes and around his mouth. I looked away and replied,
"Sorry. I was just going to bed. Goodnight father." I turned toward my door and opened it, walking inside. Closing my door, I heard his slam shut and quietly sobbing coming from his room. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against my door, sighing and wishing for everything to go back to the way it was before. I knew that that would never happen and I needed to suck it up and move on with how my life is now; taking care of my siblings and trying to keep us together. I stood up fully and looked at my alarm clock sitting on my nightstand. 11:05 PM read the bright red numbers. Knowing that I should try to get some sleep since I had to be at work by 6 in the morning, I walked to closet and grabbed my purple polka-dotted pajamas pants and my blue tank top. Changing into them, I stopped and looked at the bruises on my waist and legs. I traced them gently and tried to remember how I got them, seeing as how beatings were a daily thing in my life. Brushing the thought to the side, I finished changing and looked at my mirror that was hanging above my dresser.
Stepping towards it, I looked at my reflection. Cream foundation covered skin covered the round face with a light red tint to the cheeks, mascara and peach eye shadow surrounded the fake light of happiness shone in the brown eyes that stared back at me. I picked up one of my makeup removal wipes and carefully wiped away the makeup. The red blush and cream foundation mixed together on the wipe and slowly revealed the true color underneath, just like the black mascara and eye shadow bled together. I closed my eyes and sighed, opening them to truly look at the girl underneath it all. Black and blue and tints of green were the true colors that shown on the cheeks and around my eyes. The girl that stared back at me had made herself home there, realizing that this was her fate and that there was no changing it. I reached up and smoothly rubbed my cheeks, wincing when I brushed over a tender spot and looked at myself. Lifeless brown eyes surrounded by the sign of abuse and lack of sleep, and pale bruised cheeks stared back at me.
I dropped my hand and stepped away from the mirror. This was my life and there wasn't a damn thing that I could do to change it. Sure, I could call Child Services but they have been here before and claimed that this was a suitable home for three girls to be raised in. I turned to my bed and slowly climbed into it. I brought the purple sheets up to my chin and rested my head on the pillow, looking out the window. Clouds blocked the moon and the crickets didn't even chirp. Closing my eyes, I told myself over and over that I had to stay positive. That my situation will get better and that I just had to go through a bunch of crap to get there. The only problem is trying to stay positive in my very own personal Hell hole.
