When life gives you lemons

[Found scrawled in Hawke's journal, entitled 'A Thought Exercise about Lemons']

When life gives them lemons…

Varric would make lemonade and sell it off to the highest bidder. And then make up a story about his epic lemon exploits.

Merrill would make lemonade and give it away free to everyone. (FREE!)

Bethany would contribute her share of lemons to Merrill and help her make the lemonade.

Fenris would squirt lemon juice into everybody's eyes.

Knight Commander Meredith would crush the lemons beneath her heel and then burn them for good measure.

Anders would whine about the lemons and then write a manifesto on the lack of freedom from sour fruit.

Isabella would be happy because that saves her the effort of stealing them.

Aveline would use them as citrusy projectiles to batter all her enemies.

Sebastian would thank the Maker for giving him such lovely lemons to make him into a better person.

Gamlen would gamble the lemons away and then complain loudly about how he had no lemons.

Carver would complain about the unfairness of how he didn't get as many lemons as me.

I would write silly lemon jokes in my journal and poke fun at everyone I know and love, except for well, Meredith, whom I know but don't love. Yeah.

P.S If you're reading this, Isabella, and I know you will be, bring along some lemons for our next meeting. I think I've come up with some new and interesting uses for citrus fruit.


[Added onto the original journal entry]

Ooh kinky! I like that! I'll go steal some lemons right now!

Love,

Isabella

P.S you should be glad that Fenris can't read.


Got it in one, Hawke.

Master of the lemonade empire,

Varric


I saw that, Hawke.

-Aveline


I do not whine! And did you just compare the Templars to lemons?

-Anders


I do so love lemonade! When is life going to give me lemons, Hawke?

Merrill


Fenris would like me to add that the next time he sees you, there will be more than lemon juice in your eyes. Ah, he had such a smoldering look in those lovely green eyes when he said it. I'm jealous, Hawke. Why is it that he won't smolder for me? Perhaps you could convince him to join us in our next meeting?

Love,

Isabella

P.S I've got the lemons!


I don't think it's very nice to joke about your dead sibling is it, Hawke? Also, the Knight Commander is an honorable woman who doesn't deserve to be the butt of your immature jokes.

-Sebastian


Hah! The Knight Commander, an honorable woman? Still, I notice he doesn't mention himself. So there must be at least some sense left in that head of his.

-Anders


You're all idiots.

-Aveline


Will everyone please stop messing around in my journal? These things are supposed to be private, you know.

The owner of this journal,

Hawke


Never.

[seven crudely drawn smiley faces]


A/N: When life gives you lemons... you write jokes about Hawke writing jokes about lemons.

Apologies if Sebastian is wildly OOC or something; all I know of him can be summarized into 'former wildchild turned preachy Hamlet choir boy' and 'MAKER NOOOOO'.