So
I lie here bleeding, dying from a virus that I was sure that I didn't
even have. It's not fair. Our genetic coding is identical. How come
he didn't die either? It's not fair. I want him to die, to feel the
pain, the suffering, and every struggle that I felt. I want him to
feel all that as weights on his shoulders. Everyone that I've ever
known, they always felt the need to tell me how heartless that they
thought I was. How I lacked "compassion". They must have not
gotten to know me all that well. I care, I feel compassion.. I feel
the hurt and abuse that others have given me. I just haven't found a
reason to give decent love to anyone. Why should I? Everyone that
I've known has never really liked me. Not as a son, as relative, a
friend, maybe something more. I just don't get it. I have every right
to act as if my heart was cut out from me. As far as I'm concerned..
that's what happened.
What they say doesn't affect me
anymore. No heart you say? Fine. Not everyone can carry one. If we
all had hearts, there'd be no salvation. Easy as that. And then, in
comes the twin, the brother, the man with the same genetic code as
me. He seemed to act as if he had a heart. Even if he did kill almost
every last one of my comrades, he cared about the people close to
him. He carried trust. Values. All that stuff that people said I
never had. What did they know.. they never knew me. They never wanted
to know me. I'm sure that most of them just learned what they needed
to. I don't think to many people were to eager to get inside of my
head. And who am I to really judge that? I can't say that I can
really blame them. Maybe I'm not the best person in the world, and
maybe I don't have that much to give.. but to say that I have no
heart is pretty harsh.
So I lie here dying.. I know that my
life isn't going to last much longer, and I know that I won't get a
slow and painful death; but all these thoughts are rushing through my
head as I lay here. There's no blood, but I'm in pain. I wish there
was blood.. blood would make it seem more realistic. Then maybe I
could realize that what's happening is really happening and I
wouldn't feel the need to freak out so badly. I never knew that ones
life could fly by so fast; and flash before your eyes so fast at
that. I don't really think that what I've tried to do was so awful. I
guess it was though. Sure at first I tried to please people. My
father.. I don't think that he cared. I tried to show him that I
could be someone. Some one of my own genes. My own life. That I
wasn't some copy of some old war soldier. I wasn't stupid. It's not
hard to hide the facts. I do research too you know.. But thanks for
not killing me and telling me that you hated me. Thanks for letting
me live my life the way I wanted and doing the things that I wanted.
Thanks for letting me see the characteristics that life is made up
of. Then again, maybe it would have been better if you did just kill
me. I wouldn't have had to cause hate and coldness to others. I could
have left my twin genetic brother in the dark about how he was
created. Maybe I would have been doing people a lot of good by not
living past the age of eighteen. Possibly even sooner maybe?
No..
that's all wrong. I say I caused hate, coldness, and heartlessness to
a lot of people. And while that may just be true, maybe.. maybe the
only person I caused all that to was just myself. Maybe I hurt myself
the most. I never felt like I mattered. I spent so much of my time at
first trying to please others, that I just gave up. Gave up caring
about what they thought, and what I thought as well. If I couldn't
get other people to like me.. why should I even bother liking myself.
I think its finally occurred to me. I have to like myself first. Then
think of others opinions on me.
