So I lie here bleeding, dying from a virus that I was sure that I didn't even have. It's not fair. Our genetic coding is identical. How come he didn't die either? It's not fair. I want him to die, to feel the pain, the suffering, and every struggle that I felt. I want him to feel all that as weights on his shoulders. Everyone that I've ever known, they always felt the need to tell me how heartless that they thought I was. How I lacked "compassion". They must have not gotten to know me all that well. I care, I feel compassion.. I feel the hurt and abuse that others have given me. I just haven't found a reason to give decent love to anyone. Why should I? Everyone that I've known has never really liked me. Not as a son, as relative, a friend, maybe something more. I just don't get it. I have every right to act as if my heart was cut out from me. As far as I'm concerned.. that's what happened.

What they say doesn't affect me anymore. No heart you say? Fine. Not everyone can carry one. If we all had hearts, there'd be no salvation. Easy as that. And then, in comes the twin, the brother, the man with the same genetic code as me. He seemed to act as if he had a heart. Even if he did kill almost every last one of my comrades, he cared about the people close to him. He carried trust. Values. All that stuff that people said I never had. What did they know.. they never knew me. They never wanted to know me. I'm sure that most of them just learned what they needed to. I don't think to many people were to eager to get inside of my head. And who am I to really judge that? I can't say that I can really blame them. Maybe I'm not the best person in the world, and maybe I don't have that much to give.. but to say that I have no heart is pretty harsh.

So I lie here dying.. I know that my life isn't going to last much longer, and I know that I won't get a slow and painful death; but all these thoughts are rushing through my head as I lay here. There's no blood, but I'm in pain. I wish there was blood.. blood would make it seem more realistic. Then maybe I could realize that what's happening is really happening and I wouldn't feel the need to freak out so badly. I never knew that ones life could fly by so fast; and flash before your eyes so fast at that. I don't really think that what I've tried to do was so awful. I guess it was though. Sure at first I tried to please people. My father.. I don't think that he cared. I tried to show him that I could be someone. Some one of my own genes. My own life. That I wasn't some copy of some old war soldier. I wasn't stupid. It's not hard to hide the facts. I do research too you know.. But thanks for not killing me and telling me that you hated me. Thanks for letting me live my life the way I wanted and doing the things that I wanted. Thanks for letting me see the characteristics that life is made up of. Then again, maybe it would have been better if you did just kill me. I wouldn't have had to cause hate and coldness to others. I could have left my twin genetic brother in the dark about how he was created. Maybe I would have been doing people a lot of good by not living past the age of eighteen. Possibly even sooner maybe?

No.. that's all wrong. I say I caused hate, coldness, and heartlessness to a lot of people. And while that may just be true, maybe.. maybe the only person I caused all that to was just myself. Maybe I hurt myself the most. I never felt like I mattered. I spent so much of my time at first trying to please others, that I just gave up. Gave up caring about what they thought, and what I thought as well. If I couldn't get other people to like me.. why should I even bother liking myself. I think its finally occurred to me. I have to like myself first. Then think of others opinions on me.