Holby City belongs to the BBC.

Shattered Dreams

I'm watching Joseph as he drives away from the hospital. I want to tear myself away from the window, but my feet are stuck firmly to the floor. My chest is tight as I try so hard not to cry. My eyes are burning with hot tears. Tears that I thought I'd never have to deal with, after feeling the happiest I have ever known in recent weeks. Only for it to be snatched away.

Why? Why can't I just have a happy ending for once in my life? I've waited all my life for that one person to truely love me. This is torture of the cruellest kind. This is the karma I have brought on myself, after the havoc and pain I have inflicted on so many people in the past. Now I'm feeling like fate is laughing in my face. Rubbing salt in every wound that I have or opening old wounds which I thought had healed a long time ago. Part of me wants to run after him, beg him to stay, get down on my knees and plead with him. He knows by leaving me he is breaking my heart and his too. Penrith now seems as far away as New Zealand. But even I can't deny Joseph the chance of being a father. I can't be that selfish. I have watched him bond, admire and love his little boy. He watches in awe with every small milestone Harry passes. I'm torn, because I know Harry makes him happy. But in truth I wanted to be the one to make him smile. He knows I love him now, although I'm not sure he realises just how much. My mind starts to wonder - what if I had been the mother of his child? I've never been a maternal person in the slightest. At least I didn't think I was.

But part of me yearns to be. I feel envious of Joseph, he has someone that will now love him with without any motives. It's taken me years to feel anything like this, and now I really wish I didn't, because this is hurting me so much. More than anything else I have experienced before. I know why I couldn't leave with him. I'm so scared of letting go of my security, that's what my job is for me. Something I have worked so hard for, sacrificed everything for. I'm very good at what I do. It has taken me ages to belong somewhere. As I walk down to theatre I already feel my defence wall rising. I will have to revert to my ice queen persona. It protects me, it has to if I'm going to get through this. I have to use all my mental stength as I finish the operation. I walk down the corridor still feeling like I have suffered a bereavement. I hope time will heal me. Although I know it probably won't completely.

I see Sacha walking towards me with the usual wide grin on his face.

"Hey Jac, fancy a drink later".

"No thanks."

"Oh come on, you look as though you could do with one!"

"I'm not really in the mood."

I pray he leaves alone. He seems to realise I need space, and much to my relief he mutters something which sounds like,"maybe some other time then". He walks away from me, whistling cheerfully. I walk out of the hospital at the end of another day. I can feel tears well up inside me again. I wonder if Joseph is in as much pain as I am. Or if Harry is enough to comfort him. I hope for Joseph's sake that he is. I just hope he will think of me sometimes, and come back and 'sweep me off my feet'. I will cling on to that hope for as long as it takes...