Spike kicked
open the door and walked into the apartment. It was a perfectly lousy
day outside, all bright and sunny, and he was feeling right-on
depressed.
He poked his head around the corner and checked out
the situation. Perfect, the bloke was out. He went back to the door
and hauled in the six pack of beer he had left outside. Then he
headed over to the TV and hoping that he was in time for Passions, he
leaned back in his chair and popped open a beer.
But Passions
had been canceled for some stupid war in Iraq update, and Spike was
supremely pissed.
"Bloody war, canceling my program. Not
like this is the first war they've seen, they have to have it on
the bloody TV twenty-four seven?" he muttered to the empty
apartment.
Or not so empty. Spike heard a muffled bang from
Xander's bedroom and a giggle. He considered what those sounds
could mean, then decided to go attempt to embarrass Xander. He flung
open the door to see... Xander and Anya on the floor surrounded by
little green things?
Spike was pleased to see Xander's face
slowly yet surely turn that lovely shade of red.
"What are
you doing here now?" hissed Xander.
"I live here too,"
smirked Spike.
"You're not supposed to be here! You said
you had a thing, till seven!"
"Yeah, mate, I had," Spike
mimed quotation marks with his fingers, "my thing. Now I'm done,
and I honestly thought you were making out with somebody, but here
you are playing with little men. Not even little women?"
"These
are Xander's army men from when he was a kid," Anya earnestly
informed him. "And he's showing them to me. It's sort of fun,
actually. He's been teaching me professional things army guys say,
like these generals, they have to say to the men to point their guns
and, 'aim towards the enemy' cuz some of them are stupid and
shoot the wrong people!"
"What people will do to relieve
stress," Spike said bemusedly.
"An, that's called
friendly fire. They didn't do it on purpose," said Xander. He
shot a sour look at Spike. "Now I guess you're going to burst in
the middle of some important meeting and go 'hey, did you know
Xander still plays with toys?' Yeah?"
"Well..." said
Spike, "I really should. Always good to have something to hold over
someone's head."
"But," said Xander suddenly, "I
just remembered something that you wouldn't want Buffy to know
about."
"You do? What?"
"He's not telling
you," said Anya. "That would defeat the purpose."
"I
don't believe you," said Spike.
"That night two weeks
ago at the Bronze. I saw you," Xander said, smirking.
Spike
was silent. Well, the tables had turned. "Ok, fine," he said
grudgingly. "I won't mention this to anyone."
"Good,
now get out," ordered Xander.
"I may not mention this to
anyone, but I reserve the right to watch."
"No."
"Oh,
but wait, I get it," said Spike. He grabbed one of the men and
played with the gun in his hand. "When the pin is pulled, Mr.
Grenade is not our friend," he said solemnly.
Anya
considered that statement for a second before smiling
broadly.
"Another one," she begged. "Yours are better
than Xander's."
Spike kicked over a couple of men.
"Um,
five-second fuses only last three seconds. If you see a bomb
technician running, try to keep up with him..." Spike stopped
talking. "That actually happened to me once," he said
slowly.
"Really?" said Anya. "Which war? I was in a lot
of wars, but they didn't have real bombs and stuff those days."
Xander shot her a weird look. "Xander, I'm way older than you,
I'm even older than Spike. Quit it."
"World War One, I
think. I was in Europe, in France, don't quite remember where. Dru
and I were taking a bit of a stroll in the forest, very nice and
romantic, when all of a sudden, a guy in a uniform comes tearing out
of the woods like he's got the whole German army running after him.
About two seconds later there was a huge blast. Guess he must have
set that bomb. So it does pay to follow that saying," concluded
Spike.
Anya sat wide-eyed and Xander was interested despite
his air of indifference.
"Wow," said Anya. "Tell me
another story, Spike."
Spike glanced at Xander. "Still
eager for me to go, Harris?"
"Ok, I admit it, it's
interesting."
"Weren't you in the army or something
once?"
"There was a spell that made me into an army guy,
that's all.""So this is one war veteran to another, and a bunch
of little plastic guys? Really more alike than you know, eh?"
Spike perched
on the edge of the bed.
"Hmm, which war veteran story next?
I was in Russia during some revolution, but they have those all the
time, nothing special. China during the Boxer Rebellion? Oh, yeah, I
shouldn't be telling that story on this side of town," mused
Spike.
"Anything recent, like World War Twoish?" asked
Xander.
"World War Two," repeated Spike. "Now that was
interesting. Was way under the ocean in a submarine, surrounded by
dead Nazis and Americans alike. And of course, our favorite poof,
Angel."
"He was there too? Did he have a soul then?"
asked Xander.
"He did, but I didn't know about it.
Should've guessed something wasn't right when he wouldn't let
me kill the leftover crew."
"How did you get into a
submarine?" asked Anya.
"They kidnapped me. Never trust
anyone when they say they're having a free virgin blood party. It's
just a setup. The Nazis kidnapped me and dragged me onto this
submarine, where of course, I massacred most of the crew. Then some
Americans showed up, and so did Angel, who I think they hired. They
were supposed to get the submarine to the surface and turn it over to
their bosses."
"Did it work?" Anya asked.
"Of
course it worked, I'm here, aren't I? It was mostly due to my
ingenious ideas and amazing tactics, they barely did anything except
drive," said Spike.
"Uh huh," said Xander.
"Really,
ask Angel- well, don't ask him, he'll be too embarrassed to tell
you that I saved the day," said Spike. They'd never ask him, so
his version of the story was safe.
Anya started moving around
the little men again.
"Let's get back to our war, Xander.
You can be the Nazis and I'll be the Americans with the power of
the American dollar," Anya told him. She picked up one of the
plastic men and scrutinized him. "How old are these? Would they be
worth anything online?"
"Is there anything you won't
sell, An?" asked Xander.
"Nope, I don't discriminate,
I'll sell anything. Money is your greatest ally, in a war or not.
The Russians and the French may come and go, but money is forever,"
she said. "Now, Xander, pay attention, half of your army is
dead."
Spike watched them play for a few seconds. It did
look sort of fun and Passions wasn't on.
"Oh, bloody
hell," he grumped as he plopped himself down next to Anya. "Give
me some men."
Anya smiled and passed him some of her
soldiers.
"You going to hold this over my head, Harris?"
interrupted Spike.
Xander considered it. "Maybe just this
once, I'll be nice. No one ever hears about this, no one."
"Deal,"
said Spike.
"There are rules," Anya told him. "You have
to be sneaky and everyone has to be addressed by their
rank..."
Challenge:
- I really loved the military
challenge I hhad up last time, but no one answered it. So, modified
military challenge! Someone has got to have those little plastic
green Army men and be caught playing with them. It must be at an
extremely embarassing time and in a place where the person playing
with them had expected complete privacy.
- Xander must be involved
in some way.
- Use any one of these actual military quottes. Bonus
points if you use more than one. Explanation of where or who it was
came from is in ( ) next to the quote; you don't have to use that
information, just the quote.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
(Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher)
"When the pin
is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." (U.S. Army)
"If
the enemy is in range, so are you." (Infantry Journal)
"Try
to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." (Infantry
Journal)
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
(Infantry Journal)
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the
people around you." (Your Buddies)
"If you see a bomb
technician running, try to keep up with him." (U.S. Ammo Troop)
