My World

I stand in front of the men's locker room staring into the eyes of a subordinate officer who just happens to be lovely to look at in her dress blues, or anything else for that matter. Not that I wrote that in her review, nope, I was good. I kept it very professional, even impersonal to the point of cold and detached.

And I'm tired. It's been a long few days. All I can think about is that the President's spy, the IOA, the system lords, they all can do whatever they want to me. But her, well, I'd trade anything to rescue her from Ba'al. That's really what this whole conversation we're having is about. But we're in the halls of the SGC so we have to say things like, "You should read what Teal'c and Daniel wrote about your conduct under fire."

Carter's been gone for days, I thought I'd lost her, and all I want to do is drag her far away from here. Just touch her, talk to her, to reassure myself she's here and she's OK. But I've got a President to meet and greet. Plus, I have this sneaking suspicion that when I do eventually get her alone to talk it's not going to be easy or fun.

No, this little veiled conversation we're having isn't over yet. I know that despite her big smile and her banter about wanting to read the guys' reports. I know this conversation isn't over because she sulked in her lab for two days. And I know that telling her once isn't going to be enough to convince her that I do have full confidence in her leadership skills.

Telling her once isn't going to help much because Carter knows full well about the wants I have, the need for her in my heart, the fact that the very thought of her not coming home rips me to painful pieces. Even though I'm very good at my flippant façade that reveals none of those things to the average person, she's way above average.

It's not leadership that's at issue here. It's her doubts in whether we should be hiding what we're hiding, locked in a room, under an impenetrable mountain. She's wondering if my feelings for her might be clouding my judgement. Problem is, her concerns are probably legitimate. I'm sure that I will always do things for her that I might not do, say, for Siler. Worse, I don't have a decent argument against her concerns.

Right now, in this moment, she's home and she's safe, and that's all that matters in my world. It's the only defense I have.