Everyone
over here, that's right, clear the elevator doors. Gather round me.
Well, isn't it nice to see the next generation of Wolfram and Hart
employees, all young and innocent and excited for work... I trust the
trip here wasn't too unsettling? Once you're used to it, it's
quite interesting.
When did you sign your contracts?
Yesterday? That's wonderful, now you're part of the family that
makes up Wolfram and Hart. I'm here to give you a sort of tour and
orientation to the company. Is everyone taking notes? Let's get
started.
Wolfram and Hart was started in the days before
humans started to crawl over the earth, when the Old Ones still
ruled. As you may or may not know, the company was not named after a
Mr. Wolfram and a Mr. Hart. The wolf, ram and hart had prominent
significance in the Old Days... Am I boring anyone? If I am, please
let me know. I'll be happy to make you deaf in one ear so you'll
appreciate the ability to listen to boring speeches.
Just to
pause in my introduction, this is May. She's the main secretary for
the company, the first person you see when you enter through the
secondary entrance. Quite a prestigious job for someone so young.
Wolfram and Hart has helped her rise to a position that would usually
be denied to a person like her. You've only had good times at this
company, isn't that right, May?
Thank you for your time,
May. Oh, I'll be sending you that documentation for the Brady
murder later. Thank you.
This way, please. See how well we
treat our employees? Never a complaint.
What are you
whispering about back there, Miss... I can't read your nametag.
Miss Carlton, one thing you need to learn is to share your ideas. Two
heads are always better than one, especially when they're on
sale.
For your information, Miss Carlton, May was in a tragic
accident and that's how she lost her hand and badly disfigured her
face. But here we don't care about looks, just the person.
The
blood? Tsk tsk, Miss Carlton, don't let your imagination run away
with you. The accident was years ago. Turn this corner here,
please.
Now, back to my little history lesson, Wolfram and
Hart was started many a millenium ago and slowly rose to power
throughout the years despite the challenges it faced. It's always
been associated with a, shall we say, supernatural presence, but
that's just hearsay. We may deal with a stranger clientele, but
we're just the same as other companies.
And here we are at
the heart of this firm's division, where we have many prominent
lawyers hard at work. That woman over there, Miss Morgan, is one of
our most prominent lawyers these days, hardworking and diligent. Pity
about the head though.
Let's talk a little about the owners
of this company. They're known as the Senior Partners, and they
usually don't interfere with the workings of the company. They
reside in another, shall we say, dimension. If you don't get
involved in a major scandal, you may be fortunate enough never to
meet with them.
I was supposed to brief you on a few things
you may have missed when signing the contract. There are a couple of
clauses and rules you should know about; one of the most important
ones is the standard perpetuity clause, otherwise crudely known as
the 'we-own-your-butt-for-eternity clause.' It's the butt of
many jokes around here, pardon the pun.
Your firstborn child
may be acceptable for sacrifices, they'll have to be checked for
blemishes, your spouse is eligible for most our insurance policies,
and cults are not tolerated here. I think I've covered the most
asked after and important clauses.
You've made a bit of a
deal with the devil, as they say. What's unexpected?
I've
been working here for fifty years, young man. I used to be at a rival
law firm, but I just couldn't resist the package.
Speak up!
I thought all the kids these days yelled.
I've been at this
specific firm for most of those years. I was transferred here after a
nasty argument with a violent client. This is the Hell Division, Mr....
McKinley?
Yes, Hell, there is such a place, even if you are an
atheist. And we work here. Very good, I'm glad you understand.
On
your left there is the entrance to our state of the art research
laboratory. We have some very promising scientists there. I believe
their latest project is developing a procedure to identify the
remains of charred bodies, when there aren't any dental remains,
fingerprints or intact DNA.
Down that doorway is a dungeon.
Literally. There have been times when some associates had a lack of
obedience, and after an extended stay there, they were all much
bettter behaved. The firm does not tolerate drinking, womanizing,
back stabbing, negotiations with known enemies, or just pure
rudeness.
You might want to watch your back, or you'll end
up like a fellow I know in Accounting, with a knife sticking out of
his ribs.
We have a lot of other facilities around here, but
this tour is only half an hour long, so I'm afraid you won't be
seeing them. Lucky you.
And thus we conclude our tour here by
the elevator again. It'll take you back up to the land of the
living. I haven't been in that elevator for years, don't remember
the trip.
Why are you all so silent? Wasn't the tour
enlightening? You've all signed contracts to such a fine company.
Guess you missed the fine print.
Bye, everyone. Maybe I'll
see one of you upstanding kids down here sometime. Oh, and I almost
forgot. Welcome to Wolfram and Hart.
