FD: Hi, everyone. I know, I know, I haven't written or updated in forever. Well, a) I've been depressed, b) I got sick, c) my mom got sick, d) I lost my muse, but I found her and e) she gave me a new plot bunny!! And this is what has come from it. It is also being posted on Twisting the Hellmouth ( under my pen name faery, Forever Fandom ( under my pen name dark kitsune and at Live Journal ( under my name sondra2001. All my other stories, well, I'm planning on the funeral right now, then the resurrection. So for now, enjoy this crossover!

Things you need to know:

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Bleach. If I did, Angelus wouldn't be bat shit crazy and would so be with Xander, and Ichigo would so be Kenpachi!! Yes, I know little guy, and big war monger! Got to love the odd pairing…. Oh! And I do not own the song surrender. Billy Talent does!!
Title: Thoughts, Memories and Decisions
By: Faery
Beta'd by: Echo (I'm waiting to see what name she wants me to use. New beta and all that), other beta, waiting for them to reply on chapter….so I might take this one down at a later time and mix the two.

blah is Xanders journal entries and song lyrics. You'll know which is which.

I have a banner for this story. Go to my profile page to find out where.

I can't stand it. I can't. How can they be so cruel? They don't see me. They've never seen me, so why do I expect them to start now? Gods, I was such a fool, and I still am. I can feel the hollows becoming intrigued by this place. I fear what would happen if they came across me. I would end up one very dead human, that's what. But I'm not completely human. Or at least, not normal, in any sense of the word.

I've always been able to see spirits and what not. I've also been able to see gigantic beasts with grotesque, gaping holes in their chests. I've discovered from my cousin Ichigo that they are called 'Hollows'.

I can feel them now. There are more of them appearing in this world every day. I can see the disturbing specters my cousins deals with coming and going as the Scoobies blindly take care of the demons and various other creatures that go bump in the night. Of course, no one notices the death gods.

No one but me.

I don't think they know what my relationship with Ichigo is. I'd rather not take the chance. So I play the fool, the idiot, the klutz with a streak of luck a mile long, and hide my power. Despite the draining effect of the Hellmouth, I still need to mask my abilities.

So I am the clown, the Zeppo, and I don't mind that they don't see it. Or at least, at first I didn't mind it. Now, I'm not so sure.

They've never even tried to see me. Not once. Not even Giles has tried to see past the idiot exterior and glimpse what lies on the inside. I guess I fooled them so well, they expect me to be an idiot inside and out.

I guess its time for me to leave here and to go to home, back to Japan. At least there I don't have to wear the damn concealment necklace that I wear right now. I hide my looks because Ichigo and I look so much like each other, and I can't risk the connection. We are both slender, tall, lightly tanned and have brown eyes, though Uncle Issen jokes that I have whisky eyes, whereas Ichigo's are chocolate.

Oh and he scowls, while I prefer to smile.

…Also, Ichigo's got reddish orange hair, and I have brown hair. He also keeps his hair cropped short and I like my hair nice and long. When I don't have the concealment spell on, it reaches just below my waist when it's left hanging, but I like to keep it up in a ponytail or a bun. I can't have people feel my hair. That would lead to awkward questions that I am so not ready to answer.

No one has discovered the spell. I think that Drusilla suspects, but I can't be sure. Angel was close, but he never listens to Angelus. Oh, I know that Angel's soul doesn't mean that Angelus isn't still there.

I have a feeling that Angelus knows that I hide what I look like, my power, everything about me. I wonder what would happen if I ever dropped the glamour around everyone. Would Angelus gloat and say, "I told you so," to Angel?

…Heh, that's a funny thought.

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Xander sets down his pen, turning to stare out of his window. A cool breeze blows past the open panes, carrying with it a hint of the approaching winter. The sound of 'Surrender' adds a sad backdrop to the room as his CD player churns quietly behind him.
He knows that, very soon, he won't be sitting here, looking out of the window and listening to the mix that Jesse had created so many months ago for him. It had been just before Buffy arrived in Sunnydale, for that matter.
He shakes his head to remove any thoughts of Jess and listens to the song.

Surrender...every word, every thought, every sound...

'Yeah, to be able to surrender so easily...'

Surrender...every touch, every smile, every frown...

'Oh how I wish I could give myself to someone like that...'

Surrender...all the pain we've endured until now...

'To be able to share my sadness and pain...'

Surrender...yourself to me...

'Maybe...one day...perhaps...'

He gently closes his journal, grabs some night clothes and goes into the bathroom. After taking a quick shower he slides into bed, leaving the music on low. Like so many nights before, he needs the sound to save him from his nightmares, even when the nightmares still creep into his sleep. The music is something to hang on to.
Even as he falls into the realm of dreams, the last verse plays and he can't help but sympathize with the lyrics.
He knows he was too late, at least for Jesse. He knows the next time an opportunity like that comes up, he will try not to hesitate.

I never had the nerve to ask,
Has my moment come to pass?
Has my moment come to pass?
Has my moment come to pass?
Has my moment come to pass?
I never had the nerve to ask...

FD: Press the button, you know you want to….