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I loved it up here. Not the stage, necessarily, but higher up. Cold steel beneath my palms and my head just barely fuzzy. I loved the view. Upside down, with the slightest head rush to take the edge off the fact that I was essentially bare-assed in front of a room full of drunk strangers.
Even after five years, I still wasn't used to it, I don't know that I ever would be. Then again, I'm sure that the shot… or two… MAYBE three helped with that lightness. Never enough to get drunk, no… not at work. Just… to take the edge off. Unless, of course, a customer was buying. And I was done with my stage sets. Then? Throw 'em back till I lose count.
But now? It was just to get by. To get the gumption to change into that party girl, the one that never got hurt. That wasn't hard when you worked exclusively with party girls. If only there was as much courage in the air as there was perfume, we would all be invincible and fearless. But… that wasn't the case.
It's funny the kind of armor you have to develop in this job. When you are wearing nothing more than some dental floss and a few sequins, well.. armor takes on a whole new meaning. Sweet smiles became a shield, a well turned phrase became a weapon and words became kevlar, as much as they could. And tonight, those blue tinged lights and the jarring bass that echoed in my head was my safety net. Loosening my grip slightly, I allowed myself to slide down, down, down until the scuffed, dull stage was solid beneath my palms. Just another few seconds, I could count them, in perfectly timed beats, in my mind and I suddenly wanted… needed something to help me get by. Anything.
The raucous cheers from the inebriated crowd didn't help, quite the opposite. My hands shook, just the slightest bit, the tremor barely noticeable as I grabbed what I could reach of my hastily discarded excuse for clothing and dashed off the stage.
I couldn't breathe and my head spge, head down and hair falling in tangled waves down my back.
I needed to get out, to breathe. Clear my head. Get away from the music and the crowds, even if just for a few minutes.
I didn't bother buttoning the sad excuse for a dress as I pulled it on, counting my breaths as my heels stuck slightly to the tread on the stairs.
I bypassed to locker room and the small gym, nearly knocking down the sad, plastic potted fern my the emergency exit. I hated it, almost irrationally so.
I could feel the change as soon as I stepped out on to the fire escape. The air was cold and stung as I inhaled, choking sobs that stung my lungs and reminded me I was alive. I held on the the rusted iron railing to dear life as I ran up the metal stairs towards to roof, kicking my ridiculous sequin shoes off with a clatter.
It was dark, the glow from the neon lights below not even touching the inky blackness above me. It was nothing but darkness, the clouds covering any stars that may have been scattered across the sky.
The wind was strong, catching the ends of my hair in its gusts and drying the tears that had fallen, unbidden, down my cheeks. And my voice was husky as I whispered into the night.
"Just hold on for tonight."
