Jack slid up to Gwen and snatched her hands, leading her in a clumsy waltz before spinning her off into one of the tables. "Ow! Jack!" she protested although she was giggling. Jack put his hands up and laughed. "What? The music's good, and I need a little dancing practice!" he yelled over the energetic music from the 80's. Ianto walked in, examining something on a clipboard and was surprised by Jack snatching the clipboard from him, tossing it to Gwen, and leading Ianto in a foxtrot. Ianto laughed and shook his head. "Jack, what're you doing?" he implored. Jack was about to reply when Owen stormed in and sighed loudly. "You're bollocks, all three o' you." he groaned. Jack swung Ianto away and danced over to Owen, who dodged under Jack's outstretched arms. "You're not doin' shit with me, mate. Go off and dance with Ianto. He's probably enjoyin' it." he smirked. Jack frowned mockingly and instead coaxed Tosh from her office chair and led her into a samba. "Oh, come on you lot! Can't you at least join me in a little dance?" he begged. Ianto smiled. "I wasn't protesting, sir." he mumbled. Jack pointed an accusing finger at him. "Hey, I told you to drop the 'sir'."
"What're you gonna do about it?"
"Well I might just have to discipline you." Jack said, swanning over to Ianto and taking his hands seductively. Owen rolled his eyes, disgusted. "Get a room, Romeo and Juliet." he growled. Jack laughed and Ianto broke away, blushing, and retrieved his clipboard. "We got some readings off of the Rift a few minutes ago. Southern Cardiff."
"What happened?" Jack wondered, taking the board from Ianto. Gwen sidled up to him, peering at the papers on Ianto's clipboard. "We dunno, just detected a spike in Rift energy about fifteen minutes ago, it looks like. Are we going to check it out?" she asked, tucking a strand of her black hair behind her ear. Jack crossed his arms and nodded. "Yeah. You, Ianto, and me will go for a looksie and Tosh and Owen will stay here and keep an eye on things." he commanded. Tosh looked up from her computer screen and Owen stopped in the middle of slipping on his lab coat. "You're shitting me. Are you serious? You're gonna go swannin' off to investigate some cool alien thing, and I'm stuck here with Tosh? No offense, Tosh."
"None taken."
"Thanks. Well, Jack?" Owen demanded with hostility. Jack shrugged and retrieved his famous blue coat. "Sorry pal; we need someone to keep an eye on Janet. She's been acting up lately." he explained unsympathetically. "Oh, fuck off." Owen growled, stalking off to the med bay. Jack smiled to himself and linked his arm with Ianto and Gwen's, striding out of the door. They locked up the Tourist Center behind them and climbed into the Torchwood van. Ianto slipped into the driver's seat and revved the engines. "Where to?" he asked, looking back at Gwen in the backseat. She checked the readings again. "Southern Cardiff."
"This the place?" Jack asked, checking his Vortex Manipulator. Ianto and Gwen both nodded and Jack stuck his hands in his pockets. "It isn't much. Just a local strip club." the welshman observed. Jack looked up at the neon sign with a dreamy smile. "Well, I love the odd case with a strip club involved." he admitted. Ianto frowned just as Gwen snickered to herself. "Of course you do." she sighed. They pushed through the doors and found themselves a shock waiting on the other side. There was no one in the bar except a crying, dancing stripper and an old and commonly hated face amongst the Torchwood team: Captain John Hart. He sat in front of the poor girl, sucking down a bottle of vodka and laughing. Realizing the trio had entered, he turned toward them and laughed, then gestured at the stripper. "This planet, you've gotta love it. I mean, women that dance for you and take their clothes off for free? I mean I suppose the odd tenner wouldn't hurt them, but really, who has the time?" he shrugged. Jack grimaced and looked his old boyfriend up and down. "You, apparently." he observed. John smirked and gestured for the stripper to leave, then stood and put his fists on his hips, looking round at the three. "I see you've brought ol' Eye Candy and Freckle Face here. Where's the rest of the team? You know, the guy that looks like an ape and the pretty Japanese girl." he implored, making a disappointed face. Ianto brought his gun out and cocked it, pointing the muzzle at John's face. "What the hell do you want?" he demanded angrily. Jack gently lowered Ianto's gun and regarded John with curiosity. "Actually that's a good question. Why are you here? I told you to go away a long time ago."
"Seems like ages, doesn't it?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Oh don't tell me you haven't gone swanning off with your famous Doctor again! Watch out ladies, he does love a man in a tight suit." John announced. Gwen looked up at Jack curiously and Ianto self-consciously straightened his suit. "Oh, I see. Tell me, Jack. Do you feel about Eye Candy the same way Eye Candy feels about you?" John mocked. Jack's face turned red and he gritted his teeth. "What. Do. You. Want."
"I just need some tender love and care."
"Bullshit."
"Oh, my dearest Jack. You've always seen right through me, haven't you? Though it does look like a fooled you a bit with the trick involving those bombs. That was good, wasn't it?"
"Unless you start answering my questions I think I'll let Ianto practice with that gun of his."
"Oh, alright! I need something from you, Jack."
"What do you want."
"One of your little crewmates. That alright? One in particular, actually. Perfect for the task I have planned. Oh, don't worry, I'll return your little play-toy."
"No."
"Don't be so quick to refuse! See, I've got this handy little device called a Vortex Manipulator that can do all sorts of cool things. And, I've heard of this little device called an 'Osterhagen Key'. I don't know, but I think I can activate those nuclear bombs from here and blow the Earth sky-high." John threatened slyly. Jack paled but his color returned, and he was redder than anyone had ever seen him. "Go get someone else. I am not sacrificing one of my crew for you." he hissed. John made a face at Ianto. "God, you're boyfriend isn't easy, is he? I remember the days when this wouldn't have been a problem. He was very easy when I was dating him. Very, very easy." he winked. Ianto narrowed his eyes in anger and Jack puffed out his chest indignantly. "I'm not his boyfriend."
"No? Then what are you?"
"That doesn't matter. What does matter is getting you off of this planet. Leave now, before I do something I'll regret." Jack growled. John sighed and shrugged. "Very well. I'll get good money for the world's radioactive, charred remains from a nice family I know. Slitheen, I think they're called. They've been trying to sell this hunk of rock for ages. It's just a few buttons." whispered John cunningly. Jack finally let out his breath, feeling defeated. "Fine, fine! Who do you want?" he demanded, still angry. John pretended to think for a moment before grinning wickedly. "I need Eye Candy."
Jack stared at John with fury in his eyes as Ianto paled. "No." Jack and Gwen both insisted at the same time. John made a sympathetic face. "Pop goes the planet!" he sang, making explosion motions with his hands. Jack looked as if he was about to sock the man right in the jaw, but Ianto put an assuring hand on the man's chest and stepped forward. "No, Jack. It's fine. I'll go with him." he said with a wary look at John, who clasped his hands together and smiled broadly. "See, here we go! There's a good lad, then. See, Jack, this one can take care of himself, can't he?" he praised. Ianto grimaced and Jack grabbed his arm before he could go over to John. "Are you sure? This bastard's probably going to put a move on you."
"I'll be fine Jack; I can take care of myself. Anyway, I've got a gun and at the moment I'm a bit trigger-happy."
"Are you? Well we might have to experiment with that when you get back - "
"Jack, we don't want to arouse him."
"Yeah. Right. And you're sure you want to do this?"
"As long as he doesn't turn the planet into green glowing space-muck I'll do anything he wants."
"Oh anything, is it? I might have to take you up on that offer there, Eye-Candy."
"Shut the fuck up, you bastard, and don't you dare lay a fucking finger on Ianto!"
"Oh I love the Welsh. So... sassy! But this one you've got here Jack... she's a bit of a pottymouth, don't you agree? Might have to clean this one up a bit."
"Shut up John. Ianto, be careful." Jack said with tenderness before turning to John. "If he comes back to me injured in any way, any way at all, I will personally put a bullet through your brain." he hissed. John smirked and put his hands up as if in surrender. "Don't worry, I won't hurt your little plaything. Wouldn't want to get the kiddie a broken toy, now would we?" John retorted spitefully. Jack held himself back from shooting the man anyway and let Ianto go, but before he joined John, the welshman stepped back to Jack and gave him a long, passionate kiss before standing beside John, who gasped, impressed. "Whoo, that was a good one! You'll have to teach me how to captivate his attention like you do. Maybe we can practice together, eh Eye Candy?" he said, wiping imaginary sweat from his forehead. Ianto grimaced and nodded goodbye to Gwen, who nodded back, glaring at John warily. "Alright then buddy-boy. Let's get going. Just grab onto my wrist-strap here and off we fly. Up, up, and away!" he shouted dully as he slapped a few buttons on his Vortex Manipulator and they disappeared in a flash of baby blue light. Jack looked back at Gwen, who returned the look with uncertainty and considerable worry. "D'you think he'll be alright?" she wondered softly. Jack checked his revolver to make sure there was a sufficient amount of bullets in the chamber. "He better be."
The trip was bumpy and painful, and when the two men arrived at their destination, they both exclaimed with discomfort. "Ah, what the hell is that thing?" Ianto demanded, referencing the wrist-strap John Hart wore. He grimaced and looked at it himself, shrugging. "Vortex Manipulator. Jack's got one, and he's so very proud of it being bigger than mine but trust me, this one lasts much longer and has better overall performance."
"And why exactly should I trust you?"
"Well, you shouldn't. But I didn't get my information off of your Internet, so I think we're okay in that area." John retorted, cracking his neck. Ianto looked at how exposed he was and wondered why he wasn't the least bit worried Ianto would divert and kill him. "Oh, that's simple enough! Let's see... oh, where do I start? Number one: you don't know how to operate my Vortex Manipulator, so if I'm dead you've got no way to get back to Jack. Number two: even if you did know how to operate it, the thing reacts to my vitals. If I'm dead, it automatically triggers the nukes. Your whole planet goes ka-boom."
"What if you're killed in the line of duty?"
"Well you'd better protect me, then." John raised his eyebrows seductively, but Ianto ignored the inference and only rolled his eyes. "Where are we?" he wondered, straightening his tie. John looked around and scowled at his wrist-strap. "A couple fucking miles off, that's where we are. Damn thing, can't even get us to the right coordinates." he yelled at the smoking Vortex Manipulator. Ianto sighed with frustration and put a hand on his hip. "Well what're we gonna do? Why can't we just use it again to get us to the right coordinates?"
"Well because it's shorted out. If you want to, by all means, let's. But we might end up in Barcelona. Not the city, mind you - the planet. But I heard it's lovely this time of year, and I really wouldn't mind a vacation. Been awful busy lately."
"We'd better start walking then."
"Party-pooper."
"Which direction?"
"Three miles due East." John replied. Ianto nodded at the Vortex Manipulator. "So, that thing's completely useless then? We can't use it for anything?"
"Unless you want to accidentally blow up several planets - not just your own - then no."
"Good. Okay. Well, let's go."
"'Good'? What're you smoking, mate?"
"Just trying to lighten the situation."
"Well you're doing a shitty job."
Ianto frowned at the ground and then began walking in the direction he was supposed to go. John caught up with him shortly and looked at him unnervingly, like an animal eyeing its prey. "You're a fit fellow, then."
"Sort of have to be, with this job."
"Oh, yes. You work in... what was it again? Naughty Nuns? Oh no, that was a different team. So you're..."
"Torchwood. Torchwood."
"That's a rubbish name, then."
"Oi!"
"No, really, who the hell thought of 'Torchwood'?"
"Queen Victoria, in 1879."
"That explains a lot." John raised his eyebrows and Ianto scowled at him. "How much farther have we got to go?" he implored impatiently. John laughed. "What, getting tired of me already? Well, I'll tell you a secret, Eye Candy. We've not even reached our destination yet."
"My name is Ianto. Not Eye Candy. Ianto. Ianto Jones."
"So I can't call you Eye Candy? Oh, that's tragic, innit?" John whined. Ianto sighed and closed his eyes, praying to any god that might hear him to be able to withstand John for the remainder of the expedition.
