A/N: I do not profit from or own any of the content within except for this fan-made story. I will only put this disclaimer once for this piece because it is so short and I do not wish to interrupt the flow. This is part 3 of a 4 part series, the other two can be found on my page and the first one is "Love Spell" and the second is "Pure Seduction." They are written independently of each other, but they go better together. It contains yaoi, so if you don't like, then don't read! (:


Dearest Diary,

It was burning, searing, absolutely the most painful thing I have ever said to someone else, and it hurt even more because I loved him more than anything in the world, no, not loved, I still love him more than anyone or anything else. After my harsh words rolled off my tongue I instantly regretted them, and just like that, he turned and walked out of my life without a second glance over his broad shoulder.

I dropped Alois's hand and waited for Sebastian to walk out of the mansion with the servants in tow before I walked over to the window to watch him leave. I don't know why I felt so horrid because I was the one who betrayed him in the first place, but I felt lower than the dirt he walked on...no, I felt numb. Not the same numb I felt when my parents were killed, but the kind where you know you'll never regain sensation. It's as if I'm lost at sea, and he was my only light to shore, and I spat in his face in favor of Alois.

As soon as he was out of my eyesight, I fell to the floor and sobbed like a child. My God, I cried over a butler, but not my parents. Even as I'm writing this now, I can't help but let a few tears fall for myself; I slept with Alois before I slept with my own lover. Who can do that to the person they love? That's why I sent him away, but it was the last thing I wanted. I love him!

When Alois helped me up, he wiped away my tears and said something like, "He's just a servant," or, "Am I not all you need now? That's what you told him."

I wanted to die.

I can never forgive myself for what I allowed to happen. I suppose it was weakness in my own heart, or lust on my part for what Sebastian didn't give me. I was anxious to taste the forbidden fruit, and like Eve, I've damned myself to eternal suffering with only you as a true companion.

My memory may not be the sharpest, but I'll bleed to you everything I know of myself, and when I'm empty and dead you'll have all my secrets, all my desires, and all my suffering...which is more than any lover should keep. And to whomever is reading this now, you'll be my best friend, my mother, my father, my brother, my sister, but most importantly, you'll eventually be me.

Yours in eternity,

Ciel