Wolf-Dog: Err...no, this isn't the AC fanfic I had referred to either, though the timeline for that one is coming along wonderfully! This is part of a larger brainchild that cropped up with talking with friends about the shenanigans you just *know* Federico and Ezio got up to when they were younger. Since I was playing dear 'Rico in an RP, I got to explore and play with some of those ideas and it just...grew from there. Seriously, these two are so hilarious together and it's a wonder the citizens of Firenze were not scarred from the stunts the two pulled. Anyways, these lovely little one-shots will go in order-ish by age though there may be younger ones that crop up should I get the inspiration for them. All one-shots will have their ages at the top to try and avoid confusion.

This is dedicated to you TK! I told you you could do it you awesome chicca!

Disclaimer: I don't own AC, if I did, 'Rico would have lived and he would have worn ebony robes and the Auditore boys would have terrorized Templars and ruined all other men for every woman that saw them.


Federico: 14, Ezio: 11

Federico Auditore was bored, and that never bode well for anyone in his potential line of fire. As a man of 14, he required constant stimulation, but the problem was he was not always so willing to work for it. Oh his mother tried very hard to instill a good work ethic into him, but that just was not going to happen, not even with his father insisting he learn how to do basic banking. He did not have to work just yet, so he was not going to, and he certainly was not going to put any effort into preparing himself for it.

So instead, he sated his boredom by getting into various forms of mischief and generally trying to avoid Ezio. As much as he loved his brother, having an 11-year old tag along generally killed any attempts at wooing the ladies.

"Federico!" Speak of the devil….the eldest sighed as his little brother ran into the room and practically did a flying leap onto his chest. Federico heaved at the weight hitting his lungs with such force and coughed a few times in his attempt to gain his breath back.

"Ezio!" He growled, shoving the smaller boy off him. Ezio only laughed at his apparent discomfort. Really, the boy could be a pain…literally.

"Annetta got sweet bread from the baker today!" His voice was still high and cracking with youth, a fact that greatly irritated the younger while highly amusing the elder.

"So?" Federico raised his brows, casually slinging a leg over the arm of his chair and slouching. His mother would throw a fit if she caught him, but lucky for him she was away at her favorite painter commissioning a new piece, so he was free to sit as he pleased.

"Sooooo," Ezio whined, "She's kicked me out of the kitchen!"

The elder brother still failed to see how that was any of his business. "That sounds like a personal problem."

"But Federico! I really want some!" Ezio was tugging on his sleeve now, making himself nearly impossible to ignore.

Nearly. "So wait until dinner."

He huffed, crossing his little arms, "I do not want to wait! You should sneak a piece for me! You could even sneak one for yourself!"

"Oh I could, could I?" Federico raised his brows as Ezio fumbled slightly.

"You are just afraid to try because you know Annetta will catch you!" Huh, the little bugger actually made a decent recovery. Seems he was finally learning.

"She could not catch me!" The eldest snorted, confident in his own superiority. Certainly there was no way the woman would even know he was there.

Ezio raised a single challenging brow and Federico mentally cursed at realizing he had walked right into the trap his brother had lay. "Prove it."

Thus, Federico found himself loitering around the corner from the kitchen, watching as the workers moved in and out. It was not terribly busy at this time in the day; it was too early for dinner to get started after all, so he did not have to wait long until only Annetta remained.

Using the skills he had developed thus far, he crept stealthily and silently into the kitchen. Annetta had her back to him, clanking the pots about as she appeared to be washing some of them. The sweet bread was there on the counter, already cut into reasonable chunks to be served. It was utterly nothing to reach over, take a piece, and slip out.

Returning to the hall, he found Ezio waiting there impatiently, rocking his weight back and forth. As soon as he saw his elder brother with the prize, he immediately came forward with a large grin. Federico returned his grin, held up the sweet bread, and promptly bit into it.

The younger's face dropped into a pouting frown, "Federico!"

His cheeks bulged a bit as he chewed, raising a brow to his whiny brother, "Yes? You simply said you wanted me to prove that I could sneak a piece past Annetta, I have done so. I never said I would get you one."

Ezio jutted out his bottom lip, giving his best pleading eyes. "Do you not want to get one for your favorite brother too?"

Federico contemplated, slowing his chewing and swallowing. "You are correct, I should get Petruccio a piece as well."

He turned on his heel, making as if to return to the kitchens. Ezio did not allow him to go quietly, "'Rico! I will tell Annetta!"

The eldest barely managed to get his arms around the little brat before he could run past him and get the maid's attention.

"Do not dare." He growled, clamping a hand over Ezio's big mouth. There were not many things the eldest feared in this life, but the fiery anger of the woman was definitely one thing he did not take lightly.

"Mrph hrm." Federico made a disgusted face as he pulled his now wet hand away from Ezio's tongue and made a dramatic show of shaking it out.

"Get one for me or I will." He challenged, pulling against the arm still wrapped around his chest.

The eldest huffed, knowing that in this case, he was somehow beat. Revenge would have to be sweet and swift after this, else Ezio start believing he could get away with it.

"Fine." He let out a heavy sigh, as if he had agreed to a deadly mission. Well, technically, Annetta could be right terrifying and threatening when she wanted to be. Their father and mother gave the woman full reign to discipline them as she saw fit if the situation ever warranted it. And did she see it fit whenever it came to trespassers in her kitchen. Going in once was risky, going in twice was downright asking for it. Alas, it was either Ezio outright tell her of his trespass or simply risk being caught. It was far safer just to attempt it again.

Slipping back to the doorway, he chanced a peak in. Annetta was partially turned towards him, and he held his breath as she glanced up. She did not see him though, and moved about the kitchen for a few more minutes before settling with her back to him again.

Since she was making some noise with whatever she was doing, Federico did not worry about her hearing his steps, and he was halfway back to the bread when an idea struck him. No doubt she had noticed the missing slice of bread, the woman always noticed. Ezio was loitering out in the hall, too far to be in immediate hearing distance. Federico grinned, the perfect scapegoat.

Tilting his head, he cast a glance back towards the door to see Ezio peaking from down the hall. The look on his face told the eldest that he well understood the now devilish smile, and he frantically started shaking his head in response. It was too late for him, he had attempted to con Federico to do his bidding but now the tables had flipped again. As it should be, the cards would fall in Federico's favor.

He was going to tell Annetta just who stole her bread, and that culprit was the little brat outside whose word she would never take over his. It was perfect, and Federico congratulated himself on his own brilliance.

First of course, he would have to have some fun. Annetta would be suspicious if he just waltzed in and offered her the information, so he would have to do something. He smirked again, two birds with one stone. This was turning into quite the entertaining day.

She was still completely oblivious to his presence, and so, he slowly crept closer. Wincing when his boot scuffed against the floor, he froze, waiting to be discovered, but she did not turn. Instead she picked up a pan in one hand as the other reached for something he could not see. Slinking further, he made it until he was directly behind her. His plan was simply perfect of course; grabbing her arms and calling her name would make her jump out of her skin but keep her from reacting by throwing anything at him (he had learned the hard way for that one). He took a breath, readying his hands to do just that.

"ANNETTA BEHIND YOU!"

That.

Little.

Shit.

The moment Ezio's voice pierced the air with such franticness, Annetta whirled around, and catching the shape of someone in her peripheral had her instinctual reactions going far faster than her recognition.

Federico stared up at the ceiling stunned, wondering what happened and how on earth he had ended up there. Then the pain in his face hit him, and his hands instantly came up to cover it as he groaned and rolled to his side. His nose was the worse, and he glared over his hands at the woman, who still held the pan in the same place where it had struck him.

She hit him!

In the face!

With a frying pan!

And dear God was his nose broken?!

"Federico! What were you doing?!" Annetta nearly shrieked, dropping the pan unceremoniously onto the counter before squatting down before him. Her hands grabbed his wrists to attempt to pry them from his face. He resisted, groaning louder as the pain only continued to blossom further, radiating out from his poor nose. She huffed as he proved stronger, snapping, "Quit your whining and let me look. Are you a man or are you not?"

His glare only intensified as he slowly removed his hands and another sound finally reached his ears; laughter. More specifically, uncontrolled, near hyperventilating, tear-inducing laughter that could only be coming from one obnoxious, going-to-die-soon, little brother.

Annetta clucked her tongue, gesturing with her chin towards one of the stools, "Go sit, bread-thief, while I fetch a rag to clean up this mess."

Federico sputtered in an attempt to defend himself against such an accusation, but Annetta cut him off with a cuff to the back of his head. "I know it was you, Ezio would not tempt coming back."

She stood then, and went to get the cloth she had mentioned. Federico slowly followed her up, hand back to cupping his poor abused nose. Ezio was clutched his gut, his back braced against the doorway as his legs slowly slipped out from underneath him as he laughed, tears slipping down his cheeks. Federico growled, swinging his path to the stool wide so he came within kicking distance of his little brother. He then kicked his legs, sending Ezio crashing to the floor. It did not dampen his laughter one bit, instead the youngster just rolled to his side, pointing at his brother and laughing harder. Federico was sorely tempted to kick him harder, and probably would have had he not been so focused on the pain in his face and the fact that Annetta had returned.

Worse still, his father was right behind her, brows raised as he took in the strange sight of his sons. Annetta pulled him none-to-gently towards the stool and pushed him to sit, where she began dabbing his face with the wet cloth to cleanse it of the blood.

"Do I want to know what happened here?" His father asked, arms crossed over his chest.

Annetta grabbed Federico's nose, jerking it with a horrid crack. He yelped loudly, Ezio laughed harder, and Giovanni shook his head and walked back out, determining it was one of those things he did not want or need to know about.


Wolf-Dog: And thus we learn how Federico had his nose broken. :D Please let me know what you think in a review and of any Auditore moments you want to see! I can tell you now that future one-shots will include: How Federico got his scar, Ezio's first Leap of Faith and of course, torturing Vieri.