Title: So Alone, So Alive

Author: LadySsorg

Copyright: February 11, 2002

Rating: R

Pairing: B/S

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss and ME.

Distribution: Anywhere, just inform me!

Spoilers: Dead Things

Summary: Short story about Spike's feelings after the alley scene in "dead things".

A/N: Character death. And this was not Beta'd so all mistakes are my own!

Feedback: Please? puppy dog face, it would make my day! ;) So Alive

He had thought he was helping her. He had tried to help her with no selfish intentions. As much as he enjoyed the things they did together, it wasn't what he wanted. He thought he had her, but in truth, he had never been more alone. She still hated him, despised him. She used him and he let her. He thought he was helping her.

He lay there now, in the alley next to the police station. He had heard her go into the station, and then heard he leave a couple minutes later, walking quickly, heart beating fast. He didn't know why she hadn't gone through with it. Did it really matter?

He had tried. Tried even, not to love her. He hadn't lied when he'd said that. But it was never enough for her. She wanted him for sex, but the thought of anything else disgusted her. Maybe she was right; maybe he hadn't tried hard enough.

He stood now, leaning against the wall for support. He couldn't have her now. There had been hope before…not much, but he had clung to that. The hope was gone now. She would never let him in.

He could be everything for her, if she would let him. She was only a little girl, yet she was expected to be everything. He would've gladly sacrificed everything he had for her to be happy with her family and her friends, even if that didn't include him. But she wouldn't let him. Everything about him was wrong, how could he possibly be good?

But hadn't he proved himself? Over and over again? Hadn't he taken care of her sister over the summer? Sat next to her on those long nights while she cried her heart out on his shoulder. Hadn't he saved her friend's lives enough times this summer?

He watched as the sun came up and stayed in the shadows. He could still remember what it felt like on his skin. After all these years. He stared out into the light, taking a tentative step forward. Buffy probably wouldn't even notice he was gone till she came looking for another fix. Oh well, he thought as he stepped fully into the light, Guess it really doesn't matter anymore does it?