Hullo everyone! This is my first attempt at a song fic. *crosses fingers
. well here goes. This is prolly gunna suck but I'm bored. so hey. I own
none of the outsider's characters. I also do not own Matchbox twenty's
lyrics. This is from Pony boy's POV by the way
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
I was in my room, lying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling. I felt alone the shadows made on my wall from the little light coming through my window. It seemed like they were my only friends lately. The socs all hated me even more than usual for the whole Bob incident.
There were the guys. But I had kept myself in my room 24/7 so I had very little contact with them. They'd drag me out there every now and again but I wasn't me. How could I be when so much of what made me me was gone?
Then there was Darry. I could tell he was worried about me. I felt bad about that. He had enough to worry about. Why did I have to add to that?
And Soda, my dear brother. He was here right now, even though I felt alone. He lay asleep with his arm across me as always. I know he was really worried too. He kept trying to talk to me. But I never would talk. No, I had become a ghost. I never talked. I barely ate. And Sleep, well I could barely even remember what that felt like.
I'd lay awake all night and then be dead tired all day. It was hard to sleep with all those voices in my head. I knew it was just a matter of time before I would pass out from exhaustion. I barely had the energy to run anymore or do anything I used to.
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
How long could I last like this? How long could I go on with all this guilt? I knew I'd break down soon. I needed to do something but I didn't know what. I had to get healthy.
"You're never going to be healthy. You don't deserve to be, this is all your fault."
"Don't listen to him pony it's not your fault. Try and get some sleep."
"Sleep? You don't deserve sleep."
"Would you all shut up."
I couldn't take this anymore. I hated laying there staring at the ceiling. I slid out from under Soda's arm without waking him. I walked outside and laid down on the grass. I liked the night air. It was one of the few things that actually felt refreshing.
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I laid there awhile just thinking. Its what I did with most of my time, but this was the first time I really thought things through and thought about what other people saw. I knew they all thought I was crazy. But I wasn't. If I could sum it up I'd say right now I'm just a little unwell.
I know that if people could see it from my point of view maybe they'd think different. They could realize I'm not insane but that I just need a little time.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me
It's funny how everyone always jumps to the conclusion that you're crazy. I heard the guys talking the awhile back. I was in my room. I heard Steve say, "The kid's crazy."
Soda and Darry defended me. But even Two-bit started to agree with Steve.
But I'm not crazy, I know I'm not. The whole thing's just left me a little impaired. They just expect me the to be how I used to. But I can't. I'm not the same.
I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind
Sure I may talk to myself. But that doesn't mean I'm crazy. I'm not really talking to myself. The little time I do talk it's usually to the voices in my head. I'm just trying to get them to shut up. There's nothing crazy about that.
I hear them all talk. The kid's lost it. That's the one that's flipped his lid. That's the killer, but I don't know if he belongs in jail or a crazy ward.
Tonight I even heard Darry and Soda talking.
Darry had said. "I think we need to get him some help Soda."
"Come on Dar, he's just trying to work through some things." At least Soda had faith in me.
"Soda, it's not healthy. You just don't wanna see it."
"You don't think I see it Darry! I know my brother's gone crazy! I'm not blind! I just don't wanna believe it!"
It went on like that. Even my own brothers thought I was crazy. Maybe if they thought so then it was true. No it couldn't be.
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not one of those crazy lunatics. All those people in the crazy bin starve themselves, or cut themselves, or try to kill themselves, or end up on drugs, or shut people out until they break down, or whatever. That wasn't me. I know that's what they all say. But I wasn't in denial. I was smart, I'd know if I was crazy. Wouldn't I?
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I watched a firefly off in the distance. I'd like to be a firefly. Nobody ever called them crazy. They just got to fly in the night's air giving off light. They never had to worry about getting their friends killed, or worrying their brothers, or other people stuff. Ya I'd like to be a firefly.
I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I know it's gunna be soon that I have to go see the men in white jackets. I don't belong there but I know everyone thinks I do. I can't believe that no one will just give me the time I need without deeming me crazy. I should do something crazy just so it will be true. I mean people say it enough it might as well be.
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I started climbing the tree in our front yard. I climbed to the branch I normally climb to in order to draw and write. I stopped briefly. But I kept going. And I kept going and going until my legs would climb no more. I sat on the branch closest to me.
I looked down. Man was I high. Why had I climbed so high? I sighed and leant back against the tree.
I used to climb this tree all the time. When I was little. When mom and dad were around. I'd climb with Johnny and we'd just sit here and talk. That was before I got him and Dally killed.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I stood up. I found my footing and looked down. I was going to jump. I'd do it. I mean I was crazy right? So why not? It's something I a crazy person would do. I mean I owed it to them anyway. It was the least I could do after all the bad things I have done.
I was about to jump when I noticed the sun coming up. I stopped briefly to look at it.
Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I thought about the last time I had really stopped to watch the sunrise. It was in Windrixville. With Johnny. He'd dug it too. Poor Johnny. He'd never get to see another one. Because of me. And what about Dally? Johnny had told me to show Dally one. I couldn't do that now could I? Dally never saw one.
Just then I heard the screen door open and it shook me out of my thoughts.
I saw Soda. "Pony what are you doing up there?"
I didn't say anything. Darry was there too. He spoke up next. "Ponyboy! Get down from there! You're going to get hurt. PLEASE!"
I heard them continue to yell things. And I even saw Darry climbing up after me.
Oh no I'm not crazy.
I'm just a little unwell
Hell, who am I kidding. I probably am.
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
I was in my room, lying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling. I felt alone the shadows made on my wall from the little light coming through my window. It seemed like they were my only friends lately. The socs all hated me even more than usual for the whole Bob incident.
There were the guys. But I had kept myself in my room 24/7 so I had very little contact with them. They'd drag me out there every now and again but I wasn't me. How could I be when so much of what made me me was gone?
Then there was Darry. I could tell he was worried about me. I felt bad about that. He had enough to worry about. Why did I have to add to that?
And Soda, my dear brother. He was here right now, even though I felt alone. He lay asleep with his arm across me as always. I know he was really worried too. He kept trying to talk to me. But I never would talk. No, I had become a ghost. I never talked. I barely ate. And Sleep, well I could barely even remember what that felt like.
I'd lay awake all night and then be dead tired all day. It was hard to sleep with all those voices in my head. I knew it was just a matter of time before I would pass out from exhaustion. I barely had the energy to run anymore or do anything I used to.
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
How long could I last like this? How long could I go on with all this guilt? I knew I'd break down soon. I needed to do something but I didn't know what. I had to get healthy.
"You're never going to be healthy. You don't deserve to be, this is all your fault."
"Don't listen to him pony it's not your fault. Try and get some sleep."
"Sleep? You don't deserve sleep."
"Would you all shut up."
I couldn't take this anymore. I hated laying there staring at the ceiling. I slid out from under Soda's arm without waking him. I walked outside and laid down on the grass. I liked the night air. It was one of the few things that actually felt refreshing.
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I laid there awhile just thinking. Its what I did with most of my time, but this was the first time I really thought things through and thought about what other people saw. I knew they all thought I was crazy. But I wasn't. If I could sum it up I'd say right now I'm just a little unwell.
I know that if people could see it from my point of view maybe they'd think different. They could realize I'm not insane but that I just need a little time.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me
It's funny how everyone always jumps to the conclusion that you're crazy. I heard the guys talking the awhile back. I was in my room. I heard Steve say, "The kid's crazy."
Soda and Darry defended me. But even Two-bit started to agree with Steve.
But I'm not crazy, I know I'm not. The whole thing's just left me a little impaired. They just expect me the to be how I used to. But I can't. I'm not the same.
I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind
Sure I may talk to myself. But that doesn't mean I'm crazy. I'm not really talking to myself. The little time I do talk it's usually to the voices in my head. I'm just trying to get them to shut up. There's nothing crazy about that.
I hear them all talk. The kid's lost it. That's the one that's flipped his lid. That's the killer, but I don't know if he belongs in jail or a crazy ward.
Tonight I even heard Darry and Soda talking.
Darry had said. "I think we need to get him some help Soda."
"Come on Dar, he's just trying to work through some things." At least Soda had faith in me.
"Soda, it's not healthy. You just don't wanna see it."
"You don't think I see it Darry! I know my brother's gone crazy! I'm not blind! I just don't wanna believe it!"
It went on like that. Even my own brothers thought I was crazy. Maybe if they thought so then it was true. No it couldn't be.
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not one of those crazy lunatics. All those people in the crazy bin starve themselves, or cut themselves, or try to kill themselves, or end up on drugs, or shut people out until they break down, or whatever. That wasn't me. I know that's what they all say. But I wasn't in denial. I was smart, I'd know if I was crazy. Wouldn't I?
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I watched a firefly off in the distance. I'd like to be a firefly. Nobody ever called them crazy. They just got to fly in the night's air giving off light. They never had to worry about getting their friends killed, or worrying their brothers, or other people stuff. Ya I'd like to be a firefly.
I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I know it's gunna be soon that I have to go see the men in white jackets. I don't belong there but I know everyone thinks I do. I can't believe that no one will just give me the time I need without deeming me crazy. I should do something crazy just so it will be true. I mean people say it enough it might as well be.
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I started climbing the tree in our front yard. I climbed to the branch I normally climb to in order to draw and write. I stopped briefly. But I kept going. And I kept going and going until my legs would climb no more. I sat on the branch closest to me.
I looked down. Man was I high. Why had I climbed so high? I sighed and leant back against the tree.
I used to climb this tree all the time. When I was little. When mom and dad were around. I'd climb with Johnny and we'd just sit here and talk. That was before I got him and Dally killed.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I stood up. I found my footing and looked down. I was going to jump. I'd do it. I mean I was crazy right? So why not? It's something I a crazy person would do. I mean I owed it to them anyway. It was the least I could do after all the bad things I have done.
I was about to jump when I noticed the sun coming up. I stopped briefly to look at it.
Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I thought about the last time I had really stopped to watch the sunrise. It was in Windrixville. With Johnny. He'd dug it too. Poor Johnny. He'd never get to see another one. Because of me. And what about Dally? Johnny had told me to show Dally one. I couldn't do that now could I? Dally never saw one.
Just then I heard the screen door open and it shook me out of my thoughts.
I saw Soda. "Pony what are you doing up there?"
I didn't say anything. Darry was there too. He spoke up next. "Ponyboy! Get down from there! You're going to get hurt. PLEASE!"
I heard them continue to yell things. And I even saw Darry climbing up after me.
Oh no I'm not crazy.
I'm just a little unwell
Hell, who am I kidding. I probably am.
