Joy and panic.
That was all Lily Evans Potter could feel as she stared at the seemingly harmless stick in her hand. "Pregnant." She whispered to herself, "Oh my God, I'm pregnant." With shaking hands, she jammed the Muggle pregnancy test into her dress' pocket.
She had been feeling ill every morning for the past few weeks and her instincts told her that she must've been pregnant, but she didn't want to believe it. She had done a good job at keeping her morning incidents from James.
When she felt the dizziness and nausea coming, it was almost always right after her breakfast. Luckily, James was such a slow eater that he wouldn't really notice when she would excuse herself to go to the bathroom, telling him that she was going to fix her hair or brush her teeth. And when she had the door safely locked behind her, she'd cast a silencing charm so he wouldn't hear her coughing and heaving.
After the third week of throwing up her breakfast, she waited for James to leave the house with Peter. He had told her that Dumbledore wanted to meet with them about some Order business and he would be home later that day. So she had Apparated near a Muggle convenience store and bought a pregnancy test.
And now that her suspicions were confirmed, she was both happy and scared. She felt happy because she would love nothing more than to be a mother, but she was so scared for so many reasons.
Her mind began working a mile a minute as she paced the small bathroom. What was she supposed to tell James? They had only just gotten married six months ago, and they were in the middle of a bloody war; a war where Muggleborns like her were getting killed! Muggleborns and their children were targets and here she was about to bring a baby right into it!
They hadn't even talked about having children yet. Oh God, what if he left her because he realized that all this is way too much way too soon? Her stomach rolled at the thought alone and she worked hard to fight off the nausea.
What was she supposed to do? "I could run…I want to keep the baby, but it's too dangerous here…" She began ranting in a whisper to herself, "A baby doesn't belong in a war like this…What if James doesn't even want kids? Oh my God." The stress was weighing down on her as she thought of so many possibilities.
Before she even knew what she was doing, she was running to the fireplace and throwing a handful of Floo Powder into it, "Lupin Cottage." She spoke into it before sticking her head in. She needed to talk to someone, to have someone tell her to calm down, and she couldn't exactly go to James just yet.
Remus was the only other person that came to mind; he was the most rational, soothing person she'd ever met. She knew he would help her, even if he had been James' friend first, he was still the best friend she's had.
Looking around, she saw that the living room was empty, so she called out for him and she hated how shaky her voice was, "Remus! Remus, are you there?!" For one moment, her panic doubled when it took him far too long to answer her.
To her relief, he practically ran out of the kitchen and knelt right in front of her, his face full of concern. "Lily, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
And it was only then that she realized the tears pouring from her eyes before shaking her head slightly. Letting out a small sob, "I need your help. I'm freaking out and I don't know what I'm going to do."
He didn't ask her any questions, he just motioned for her to step back so he could come through.
She crawled backwards and lifted herself from the floor to resume her pacing.
The fire roared behind her and she heard Remus ask again in concern, "Lily, what's going on?"
Before she could answer, the fire roared a second time making her whip her head around and to her horror, Sirius emerged from the flames looking just as concerned as Remus.
She couldn't tell both of them! Sirius was bound to run and tell James as soon as the words left her mouth! If Remus didn't talk her out of her plan to run and hide the child from this war, he would ruin it completely! He would tell James before she could even disappear.
"Lily!" Sirius called to her after several long seconds. Her eyes were so wide and she was starting to shake that it scared the hell out of him. "What's going on? Where's James?"
Shaking her head slightly, to clear her thoughts, she replied "He's out on some business with Peter. This isn't about him."
"Then what's wrong? You're shaking and you look pale as hell." Remus told her as he and Sirius approached her. She was numbly aware of the fact that his and Sirius' arms were guiding her to sit on the couch.
She was sure that she looked completely demented. She could feel her fingers shaking and she clenched them into fists to try and stop it, but it seemed to make it worse. And that worried them even more as they sat across from her while Sirius was having a hard time not calling for James right then.
Just tell them. She thought to herself as she stared into their worried eyes. She began talking in a tone that was barely above a whisper, "Well…I need you guys to tell me to calm down…because I am on the verge of a breakdown."
"That part is obvious. What we want to know is what the fuck is making you go as mad as a hatter." Sirius told her with a hint of impatience.
Stalling, she started wringing her hands, which helped with the shaking, and stood to pace in front of them, "I'm thinking about leaving. I screwed up really bad and…well… James…I don't know how James will react. And it's best I take off and disappear. It's the best option I have." She knew she was ranting, and completely leaving out why she was ranting, but she couldn't stop. Ignoring the bewildered looks from Remus and Sirius, she continued, "I know that sounds a bit extreme, but I really think it's my only option here."
Sirius was about to interrupt when she raised her hands, "Let me finish! Hell, he may leave me anyway, so it's better to get a head start, right? I just…" Throwing her hands up in the air, she shrugged, "I wanted you here, Remus, to try and calm me down because I feel like my heart is about to drop out of me." Her hands starting to fly around as she talked, "And of course, Sirius, you tagged along, which is slightly problematic, but I can deal with it. Maybe you can tell him for me and if it comes from you, he may take it a bit better, you know?" She finished, sounding breathless.
It was silent for a good five seconds before Sirius practically exploded, "Oh, Lily, please tell me you're not saying what I fucking think you're saying!"
Remus, confused, turned to him and asked, "What are you talking about? I missed it."
Lily felt the breath knocked out of her. If Sirius is angry just imagine how James will react, oh my God, I need to get out of here. She thought to herself while wrapping her arms around her stomach, trying to catch her breath.
"You cheated on him, didn't you?!" Sirius shouted at her, looking absolutely livid, "How could you do that to him, Lily?! The man would die for you!"
Remus looked wary, "Now, Sirius, I don't think we should really jump to that…She would never do that! She never even said that!"
"She bloody well implied it, Remus!" Sirius barked at him, his hands balled into fists as he stood up to face Lily, "How could you, Lily?!"
"Why would you even think that?!" Lily tried to shout but it came out in a fit of giggles.
"Come on, it's obvious!" He practically snarled at Lily, "Why the hell else would she think James would leave her if she didn't leave first?!" Sirius kept shouting, this time directed at Remus.
"You're jumping to conclusions! Let her talk, at least!" Remus shouted back at him.
Seriously?! Out of everything, I wasn't expecting that! She thought to herself as hysterical laughter took her over completely, which only made Sirius' anger double.
"Why the hell are you laughing?!"
Shaking her head, she calmed down enough to where she was only giggling again, "I would never cheat on James, you dumbass! Honestly, are you that stupid?!"
Her words made even Remus laugh, though he was just as lost as Sirius now was. "Then what the hell is going on with you?!"
She threw her hands back up in the air and said loudly, "I'm pregnant!"
Sirius' anger completely disappeared, replaced with shock. His face, which had been previously red from anger, was now completely pale, making Lily laugh again.
"What?!" They both asked, their eyes as wide as bludgers.
Finally taking a seat on the unoccupied couch, she put her face in her hands. All feelings of mirth had left her and she was back at square one; in complete despair. "I'm pregnant. I'm having a baby. In the middle of a fucking war, no less."
Sirius' mouth kept opening and closing, and Remus took note that he looked like a fish out of water. You're no help. He thought wryly as he got up and went to kneel in front of Lily. "Okay…that's honestly great news, Lils, congratulations." He told her cheerfully while reaching up and taking hold of her wrists, "Why do you think you have to run away? Or that James will leave you?"
Lily lifted her head to look at him and his heart broke to see the tears staining her cheeks, "We've never talked about having kids." Her voice sounded hollow, "We just got married, Remus! And this war…this baby is going to be a target just as much as I am!"
"Okay, all those are true. But none of those can explain why you think James will leave you or that you need to run."
Looking at Sirius, who was staring at her like she had grown two heads, she sighed and shrugged before looking back and forth between them. "What if James doesn't want kids? And it'd be safer if we disappear. I could pretend to be a Muggle to keep the baby safe." She noticed that Sirius seemed to thaw from his shocked and frozen state upon hearing her words.
She quickly carried on, "I was planning it when I called you, Remus. That's actually why I called you. I know it sounds completely mental and I was hoping you'd talk me out of it because I really don't want to leave. But…it is the best option. I mean, I can't bring a baby into this. And…I really doubt James wants a kid right now. So it's a…a win-win, sort of."
Remus, who was quite upset by her plan, was about to answer when Sirius interrupted. "You called me the dumbass, yet you think James doesn't want kids with you? The man has adored you since we were kids, of course he wants them with you. And do you honestly think any of us would let you run away with a little Marauder in tow?"
Lily couldn't help but laugh at that, but it sounded so tragic mixed with her tears, "Well, I don't know. I was panicking and thought that would be best. Better than trying to protect the baby while being in the Order…"
"Hello! This kid is going to be protected by the Order." Sirius told her as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, as he got up and sat beside her on the couch and put an arm around her shoulders.
"Sirius has a very good point, you know." Remus smiled at her warmly.
She leaned into Sirius while also grasping Remus' hands, "I suppose. I doubt Mad-Eye or even Minerva will let any harm come to this baby; they look out for everyone in the Order, their families included." She reasoned, feeling a bit foolish with her plan to run.
"Exactly. We all will protect you and the baby. And James will most definitely want to be a father, he's going to be ecstatic when you tell him. He wouldn't leave you, ever." Remus told her, squeezing her hands comfortingly. "Everything will be okay. There's no reason for you to even think about running. I don't know how those idiotic thoughts entered your brilliant mind." He laughed.
"I don't even know." She sighed, fighting off the shame and foolishness building inside of her. Damn these hormones.
"So you admit you were being stupid with that plan?" Sirius asked, receiving a glare from Remus.
Nodding, Lily answered, "Kind of like you and your idiotic accusation."
"Well, hell, that's the only thing I could think of that James would leave you for." Sirius laughed.
Remus laughed along with them and shook his head before getting up to sit on Lily's other side, "Honestly, I don't think he'd leave you even if that happened. He loves you way too much to be without you."
With those words, Lily's previous worry slowly started to ebb away. I can't believe I overreacted this much, she thought to herself. As if he read her mind, Remus smiled, "So no more talk about either one of you leaving, got it? I think we can blame hormones on this crazy outburst."
"Okay. It's just going to get worse as I get bigger, you realize." Lily laughed, feeling better, "I'm going to be this dramatic, whiny, overreacting bitch. You wait and see. I've heard that all pregnant women get this way."
"I doubt you'll be a bitch, but hey Peter and I've dealt with Sirius and James' theatrics for years. We can definitely handle you being that way for nine months." Remus chuckled.
Sirius put a hand to his chest in mock hurt, "Oh sure, talk about me like I'm not here! And I'm not dramatic or whiny, that's James!"
"Oh please, we all know you and James are exactly like that. And my luck, this kid is going to be just as dramatic." Lily giggled and pulled her knees to her chest while sandwiched between the two.
Sirius barked a laugh and shook his head, "We'll see in roughly nine months. And I have to ask, you're absolutely sure you're pregnant? You used the Fertility Spell, right?"
"The what?" She asked lamely, she had no idea there was a spell for that sort of thing.
Sirius looked at her sideways and nodded slowly as he explained, "It's a spell…tells you if you're pregnant or not…How did you find out?"
"I took a test." She shrugged, "I didn't know there was a spell to figure that out."
Remus laughed, "Sirius has plenty of experience performing that spell on whatever girl he thinks he's knocked up."
"Oh my God."
"What kind of test do you take? You like answer questions?" Sirius asked, confused.
"It's a Muggle thing, Sirius." Lily laughed, "You pee on a stick and it tells you if you're pregnant or not."
"That's just disgusting and unsanitary." Sirius shivered, making a face. "But I could use the spell on you, just to be completely sure."
"It would help, too, so you're sure before you tell James." Remus suggested.
"Nope, I'd rather not be on that particular end of anyone's wand, thanks. The muggle way is pretty accurate. And all the signs are there. I'm pregnant and I don't need a spell to tell me that."
"Well when are you going to tell James?" Remus asked curiously. "I can't wait to see his face, he's going to explode with happiness."
"I'll tell him when he and Peter get back, which should be later on this afternoon. And please, do not tell him that I told you guys first." She requested, looking at both of them, "If you're right and I was just overreacting and he is happy about this baby…I don't want him to know that I doubted him, okay?"
"We'll take the knowledge of this incident to the grave, Lils, no worries." Sirius promised while squeezing her shoulders in a sideways hug. "Now, I'm going to go find him and send his arse home because I suck at keeping secrets from him. And if I have to wait until later, I will let it slip and you would hate me."
Nodding, Lily moved and leaned into Remus' side while Sirius got up, "Okay, try not to tell him on the way here, will you? I'll hex you, if you do. Just tell him I want all of you here because I found something out."
"As a Marauder, Lily, I know how to lie well. Don't worry. I'm just going to go and get my mirror and ask him where he is and that you called and wanted everyone home." Sirius assured her while on his way to the fireplace. "Moony, you want to come along?"
Remus shook his head, "I'll stay here. I don't want to risk her running off when we leave." He teased.
"Stop! I already feel like an idiot!" Lily groaned and watched Sirius laugh and disappear in the green flames.
"James!" Sirius called through the mirror in his hands, "I know you can hear me, you prat! Come on! It's important!" After a minute's silence, he tried again. "Damn it, James! It's about Lily!"
Those seemed to be the magic words. Sirius watched the mirror ripple for a quick moment and then James' face greeted him. His eyes wide and concerned, "What about Lily?"
"Where are you?" Sirius asked, deflecting his question because he was afraid he was going to tell him before Lily had a chance to.
James' eyebrows knitted together in worry, "Peter and I are at Hogwarts. Albus wanted to talk to us about recruiting more Order members. What's wrong with Lily?"
"Nothing is…wrong. She just wants all of us to come to the house, she said it was important but wouldn't elaborate. Remus is already with her, so get over here." Sirius tried to act nonchalant and he hoped he sounded convincing.
Inside he was freaking out. He wanted to shout: YOU'RE GOING TO BE A DAD! WE'RE GONNA HAVE A KID TO TAKE CARE OF! GET HOME NOW! But he bit his tongue.
"Okay…Uhm, I'll tell Albus that we have to leave. Let me get Peter. We'll be there in less than five minutes." James said in a haste before he shimmered out of the mirror.
Filled with excitement, Sirius Apparated back to the house to save time and told Lily and Remus what he told James.
"I'm surprised at you, Padfoot. I would've thought you'd let something slip." Remus chuckled while Lily bit her lip in anticipation.
Sirius shrugged and settled into one of the armchairs, absently pulling at one of the chair's threads, "I wanted terribly to shout that we have a kid to raise, but being the good person I am, I bit my tongue."
At that, Lily laughed, "You realize it'll be me and James raising this baby, right?"
"You realize that this baby is going to have three amazing uncles to help raise him, right?" Sirius countered, a playful smile on his lips.
"Or her." Remus reminded him.
Before either of them could add on to the conversation, the fire roared with green flames and two bodies stumbled out of them. Lily bit her lip as Peter fell on the floor which only made the others laugh.
James caught himself before following his friend to the ground and shook off the soot that gathered on his robes. "Glad one of us could stick that landing, Wormtail." He laughed, smiling at Lily's attempt to glare at him.
She was the only one to walk over and help Peter stand up, "Are you all right, Wormy?" She asked in concern. Already being a worrisome mother, Sirius thought wryly. "Oh stop babying him, you Mother Hen." He groaned half-heartedly, a sly smirk on his lips as he watched Lily snap her head toward him with her eyes narrowed. She caught his play on words and didn't like it one bit.
Remus tossed a pillow at him, receiving a curious glance from James as he did so.
"Oh shut up, Padfoot. I'm fine, Lily." Peter said in a vexed tone, cutting off the question James was about to ask, "I always trip coming out of the bloody Floo."
Remus, picking up on his tone, laughed from his spot on the couch, "Oh don't be cross with her. She was only helping your clumsy arse."
"Not with her, just with this damn hearth; it's a death trap." He defended himself while walking over and taking a seat beside Remus, "Who could ever be cross with Lily? She's too sweet."
"Aw, you're such a liar!" Lily cooed then made a face as she watched the ashes left on Peter's coat smudge against the couch. Standing behind the chair Sirius was occupying, she sighed, "You're getting soot all over the furniture, by the way."
James waved off Peter's muttered apology and stepped behind Lily to snake his arms around her waist. "So, my dear, why did you need all of us here? We know it wasn't to get after us for getting the furniture all dirty. A simple spell can fix that. What's going on?" He asked her before placing light kisses against her neck, making her giggle.
"Oy, I'm right here! I don't need to see that!" Sirius complained, "Lils, whatever you have to tell us, do it quick so I can be free from the snog-fest."
James shoved him from behind, making him nearly topple off the chair, "How many times did we have to watch you snog some Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff at breakfast?"
"Or have to hear you carrying on with one of the Gryffindor girls in the common room while we tried to study?" Remus chimed in.
Peter nodded along with the other two, "Or have to hear you go on and on about Marlene McKinnon?"
"Or Alice? Oh if Frank knew the things you'd say about her, he'd kill you." Lily laughed.
"Exactly!" James laughed with her, "So, if we can deal with all of that, you can handle some snogging from a married couple!"
"Okay, okay I get your point! I'm just as bad –"
"If not worse." Remus interrupted him with a wry smile.
Sirius gave him an exaggerated smile, "I'm just as bad, if not worse. I get it." He turned to give James and Lily a stink eye, "I can deal with the two of you snogging, doesn't mean I like it."
"Do you really think we liked watching your tongue down almost every girl's throat in school?" Lily asked rhetorically, ignoring Sirius' glare, "Anyways, I have something to share."
"Well we gathered that much, just tell us." Remus urged, playing his part perfectly.
Lily looked to James and he gave her an encouraging smile, "Whatever it is, it must be bloody important if you're blushing." He said, noticing her flushed cheeks.
"I'm just slightly excited. I hope you'll be happy about this." She explained, her cheeks getting redder.
Sirius started tapping his foot while Peter talked, "I bet you got us all new brooms for Christmas."
"Christmas isn't for another three days, why would she give us our gifts now, you nutter?" Sirius said while playfully rolling his eyes.
"I was only guessing!" Peter shot back, sticking his tongue out like he always did in school.
"For God's sake, let her talk." Remus scolded them both; he wanted Lily to tell James already so Sirius would stop tapping his damn foot.
Lily huffed, "Okay, here's a question for all of you. What is your opinion on kids?"
"Most of them are cute." Peter shrugged, not understanding why the question was relevant.
Remus smiled, "I wouldn't mind having a fair few."
Sirius laughed, playing along, "I would. I mean all of you can have kids, but no way for me. I don't want any of my own."
"I think kids are annoying little buggers. I hate them, honestly." James remarked.
He didn't notice how Lily, Sirius, and Remus all looked at him; their eyes wide and their smiles gone.
While Lily tried to hide her sudden panic, Sirius and Remus were confused as hell. They had thought James would be delirious with happiness at just the thought of having kids with his wife; the girl he pined after since he was eleven years old.
Remus was about to say something when Lily spoke up.
While trying to smile, she let out a shaky breath, "So…you wouldn't…you don't want…want them? You don't want kids?"
James looked at her like she was mental, "When the hell did you hear me say that? Of course I want them. I meant other people's kids. Our kids are going to annoy the hell out of other people, but I'm going to love them with my whole heart."
Remus and Sirius both relaxed and shared relieved smiles while Lily burst into tears.
"Hey, sweetheart, why are you crying?" James asked in concern, putting his hands on either side of her face. He looked over to his three best friends for help but they each shrugged; Remus and Sirius playing their parts well.
Lily shook her head, wiping away the tears that kept coming, "I thought…I was scared you…wouldn't want…this baby." She blubbered.
James, who didn't catch how she said 'this baby', shook his head, "Of course, I want a baby with you, Darling. I want a bunch of babies with you! I'd love a few little girls with your red hair flying around on brooms and maybe two boys terrorizing them but protecting them when it counts. I want them. I want that with you, why would you think otherwise?"
His words made Lily sob harder and James' hands gestured around her as he tried to figure out how to calm her down. He looked to Remus again and was slightly annoyed to see a smile on his friend's face. Sirius had risen from his seat and started pacing. He was biting his lip to keep from crying out in glee as he watched his best friend try and fail to calm his hysterical wife.
Peter cleared his throat and spoke up, trying to talk over Lily's wails, "You said 'this baby', Lily. What is that supposed to mean?"
James looked at him then back at Lily, "Wait…you did say…you said 'this' baby…What…wait…" He trailed off and looked to his best friend who shrugged in response, struggling not to tell him that he was going to be a dad.
It took Lily a few seconds to get her erratic breathing under control, and when she did, she looked to James. She wiped the stray tears still leaking from her eyes, "You really want kids? You're not just saying that because I'm a mess?"
Shaking his head slowly in bewilderment, "I'm not just saying that. I want babies, Lily. I always have, especially with you."
"Well," She swallowed thickly while smiling at him, "That's quite a relief…because we're going to have that very soon." All her worry had ceased the moment she saw understanding then happiness glint in his eyes, "Though…hopefully not all at once. We can start out with just one, I think."
Sirius covered his mouth with both hands and started jumping up and down. Remus started laughing a thick, hearty laugh. Peter's jaw dropped and he shouted a loud "Ha!" in excitement.
But none of their reactions could compare to James'. He put his hands in his hair and shook his head, "You're not joking, right? This is real?!" He asked his wife, and wrapped his arms around her the moment she nodded. She squealed as he spun her around and buried his face in the crook of her neck. "A baby! We're having a baby!"
"Sweetheart, if we spin anymore, I'll throw up again!" Lily warned in between her giggles. He promptly settled her back down on the ground and then knelt in front of her.
"You're probably half the size of a bowtruckle right now, kid…But I'm your dad and I can't wait to meet you! I love you so much!" He spoke tenderly to her stomach, though it was still as flat as ever.
The gesture brought fresh tears to Lily's eyes. She felt so foolish to have thought that he'd never want this. She was so afraid he'd hate her for getting pregnant but look at him! He was talking to her belly…to their baby.
The Marauders' cheers echoed around them and they never felt happier. For the moment, they all forgot about the war brewing around them.
She looked over to Sirius and Remus and they gave her smiles, as if to tell her we told you so.
Playlist
You'll Be Okay - A Great Big World
Thinking Out Loud - Ed Sheeran
A/N: I'd like to thank my best friend, Kayla, who has read and edited this entire thing. (even if she's never really liked hp) THANK YOU TWIN
(and yes people she now LOVES the Marauders)
