Author Note: … I'm not sure what happened. One minute I was writing about the Hadron Collider (RIVETING STUFF FOLKS T.T), the next This is My Red Light District, the next… This. ***SPOILER*** Angsty Near a little while after the Kira Case. I love writing stuff like this XD
Warnings: MxN mentions, MxM mentions, ***SPOILERS ***, Death mentions, Near cracking a little (-ahem- A lot.)
Disclaimer: This is what would've happened at the end of DN if I owned it. Maybe thankfully (because then it would just be yaoi-licious constantly, with full-frontal nudity), I don't.
Dedications: Rasp, for the reason that I hate her a little for liking MattxNear more than MelloxMatt (gives me shudders to write that sentence), but she also taught me that Matt feeling a little bad for Near maybe, MAYBE works. A little.
Maybe. DX
Did you ever believe that you were going to succeed, Mello?
I'm only asking, although I guess I don't have to justify it now that you're dead and can't break my nose or my arm (or my neck? Is that what it would have escalated to? I believe so).
I'm only asking.
Did you think that, after all these years of trying, you would have beaten me? That you would have got what you wanted? I don't know why you'd believe that, after everything you knew about this world and how cruel and pointless life can be. How pointless you can make life be.
It's weird without you. It's… colder. Mad, I know, and maybe I am. Maybe I am, you know, you know maybe I am maybe I am IamIamIamIamIamI-
It was the chase that would have satisfied you, I think, more than the win. More than the knowledge that, finally, there was no one for you to hate and hurt and… Other things you did with me (to me).
Or maybe you died deliberately. To make me live out the rest of my cold, pointless, cruel life thinking about you and what you were to me, Matt, the world.
You were the whole world to us two, Mello. I don't know if you could see it, although I see that it would have been the perfect thing for you to use against me therefore you couldn't, couldn't have known that I lo-
You could've won. Really, you could. You were braver, and better, and brighter than I am and ever will be. You were the brightest star in my sky, and just about everyone knew it but you.
Matt knew. Oh yes, he knew. I think he even felt a little sorry for me, knowing that you'd never reciprocate, knowing that you maybe even (say it, damn it) loved him the way you could never love me.
I can look at the sky from my window, and find the two brightest stars in the whole sky. I know that you're watching the world, when you're not gaming and shopping and smoking and eating and fighting and making love. I know that you'll be watching, when I swallow the two packs of painkillers I keep under my pillow, and that's okay.
Because I also know, deep down, you need me to be there. Someone to just hate and break, maybe. Or maybe now you're (we're?) dead you can let it go, and the four of us can spend forever together. I need to believe that, do you hear me?
You fucking won the day you died, Mello.
I hate you Rasp.
So many levels.
-heart-Rasp-heart-
Reviews are sincerely adored.
Some of them I consider printing out and sticking to my walls.
Lemon
x
