Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, obviously. Some of the characters in this are mine. Just a few though. They'll come into the story when they do.

Rated R for: This is rated R because it should be rated R.

Read and Review please.

Note: This idea came from a late night session of writing where I had with caffeine and potato chips.



The Lord of the Bargain Ring



Chapter 1

The Bargain Ring



Frodo stocked the shelves at Bilbo's Bargain Warehouse. Ever since he had to live with Bilbo he had made Frodo work for him. Hobbits roamed around the store looking at the cheap hobbit weed and clothing along with other products like Furry Feet Shampoo. Cheaply made with high prices. Bilbo had invested some of his treasures into opening this giant store. Thought he would put the use Frodo to work there to earn his keep.

Sam worked in the gardening department. Sold hoes (The garden tool you pervert), shovels, plant bulbs among with other products. He sat there on a little wooden stool twiddling his thumbs.

"Sam," yelled Frodo across the store, "Can you put up the ladies hobbit bras? I have to finish stocking the.ahem.Personal products over here."

"Okay," yelled Sam back as he left his station at the gardening department. He got the rack of bras and set them up in the Ladies section but they he heard a soft hissing noise. Then a voice.

"Yessss," said the voice of Bilbo Baggins himself, "It's mine, my own, my precioussss. Oh my love, my darling, if you were not an inanimate object how I would do sssuch dirty thingssss to you."

Sam raised his eyebrows at Bilbo who stood in the middle of the toy aisle stroking something in his hand. It looked remotely like a cheap yellow ring made of plastic with a picture of a cat painted onto it. "He's nuts," thought Sam as he walked away shaking his head.

Frodo finished stocking the personal products as he heard a familiar voice in back of him. "Still stocking shelves Frodo Baggins?"

Frodo turned around and looked at Gandalf, "Where the fuck have you been?" Frodo asked, "You said in your letter you would be here a 4 weeks ago?

"Well excuse me! Aren't we feisty today? You know I still am running that club down at Isengard with Saruman," said the exasperated Gandalf.

"So your club over us?" replied Frodo.

"Basically," said Gandalf. "Listen I'm going to go see Bilbo, you cool down while I'm gone."

"Right," said Frodo and also said in an undertone, "Bitch."

Gandalf disappeared then returned saying, "That psycho is talking to a ring. Dummy!"

"That's weird," said Frodo.

"Totally," replied Gandalf scratching his chin, "Perhaps I should look into this? Get some help? Like you know funny plastic rings can cause huge problems."

"Yeah right," said Frodo quite uninterested.

Suddenly Bilbo streaked past them naked saying he was going to go live with the elves and be free. Nudist kind of free guessed Frodo.

Gandalf raised his eyebrow at the naked Bilbo who had ran out of the door, "Oh my staff, he is so queer."

Frodo nodded. "So I guess I don't have to work this lame job anymore?"

"Don't know," said Gandalf, "Whatever floats your boat I guess. Hey look it's the ring Bilbo was stroking." Gandalf picked up the ring and examined. "So weird. You know what Frodo I reckon you should hold on to this and Bilbo's store. They belong to you now. You could always live here now."

"Gee," said Frodo, "What a life."

"Totally," replied Gandalf thoughtfully. "Anyway, I am gonna go read some books about magic rings with picture of cats on them. I bet there is tons of information on it."

Frodo thought Gandalf was being sarcastic but they realized he wasn't as Gandalf left in a hurry. "Was he wearing a dress?" thought Frodo to himself.

Sam walked up to Frodo and said, "Yo, where's Bilbo?"

"Left. Went nuts, don't ask," replied Frodo.

"Okay."

Months went by with no word from Gandalf. Frodo kept stocking the shelves and working his hobbit ass off along with Sam.

Next month Gandalf returned bustling into the store in a light blue jogging outfit. "Like, oh my god Frodo! Let me see the ring!"

Frodo reached into a little box that had old chewing up wrappers and a techno cd and got out the ring and handed into to Gandalf. "What's up?" asked Frodo.

Gandalf disappeared into the back room for a few minutes then came back. "This ring is weird. Come here Frodo."

Frodo walked into the back room as Gandalf stuffed the ring in his hand then turned off the lights; "Frodo is it doing anything special?"

Frodo looked at the ring and said, "Yeah it's glowing red. And look at the pretty little words. What do they said?"

"It is the language of Mordor and in common tongue they read, "Made in China."

Frodo gasped. Gandalf turned on the lights and said, "This bad Frodo. We have to get rid of it. Stay here and I'll get help."

Gandalf left and Frodo stood there with the ring in his hand. He left the room and told Sam what had happened. "So what it glows?" asked Sam, "So does my retainer," he opened his mouth showing his glowing retainer.

Frodo shook his head; "This ring is pure evil. It's going to curse us."

For another two months Frodo went on working along with Sam. But one day, one special day a man walked into the store. A real man. Tall as crap too. He wore black boots, a long black overcoat, and jeans. He also looked like he carried a sword under his coat.

"Excuse me," said Frodo to the man, "Can I help you?"

"You Frodo?" asked the man in a gruff voice.

"Sure am," said Frodo.

"You have to come with me," said the man.

Sam ran up and said, "I'm coming too. You're not leaving me alone here to work."

"Shut up Sam," said Frodo. "Maybe I don't want to come."

"Well you are," replied the man.

Just then two mischievous hobbits bustled in. "Dude!" exclaimed one of them, "We totally just robbed Farmer Maggot!"

"Look Merry," said the other one, "A man."

They stared at the man like he was a gigantic volcano exploding in front of their very own eyes.

"Like, dude," said the one named Merry, "Pippin why is there a man here?"

"Like I know," replied Pippin.

"Frodo I am taking you. I'm going to help you with the secret object," said the man quickly.

"The ring?" asked Frodo.

"SHHH!" shushed the man. "Don't let everyone know!"

"Cool," said Sam.

"We want to come," said Pippin.

"Yeah!" said Merry too.

The man looked at them, "Damn it, when it comes to you hobbits you always have to come in package deals. Very well."

The man led them out of Bilbo's Bargain Warehouse and led them on a journey. It would take days, nights. They traveled. Frodo got hurt a lot because he was quite wimpy. This guy in a black dress and hood even stabbed him. That's all he could remember of the journey at least.

He was asleep. Who was massaging his stomach like that? He opened his eyes, "Sam?"

"Yay! You're awake," cried Sam.

Gandalf sat there too and said, "You're in Rivendell. Ritzy elf place. Saruman is so our enemy now. He wants your magic glowing ring and he turned our club into his own personal partying place! Bitch!"

Frodo frowned. He didn't understand what was going on.

"Frodo," said Gandalf once more, "We have to destroy this ring. We have to take it to the Mall and throw it into the Fountain of Doom there where it would become covered in pennies that everyone throws in and disappears forever! Besides the water will just made it get soggy and stuff."

"Why do they want this ring?" asked Frodo.

"Cause it's really neato!" replied Gandalf enthusiastically. "But it is evil. So there."

"Gandalf says you're going to meet the ritzy leader of this joint. His name is Elrond. That's really cool Frodo, elves are radical," said little Sam.

"Where's Pippin and Merry?" asked Frodo.

"Around," said Gandalf.



While they were talking away and nursing Frodo back to good health (That little wimp) help would be arriving by a man, a dwarf, and an elf.

End of Chapter 1



I'm thinking of getting some slash involved. Tell me what you think.

Stay around for chapter 2!!!