"The Strange Hostage Situation"
Homura and Madoka try to go on a pseudo-date, but everything just spirals out of control as per usual.
"Madoka?" Homura asks into her phone.
"Homura?" Madoka answers back.
Homura chuckles in relief, "Oh, good. Though that it didn't pick up properly again. I really hate this thing, sometimes."
Madoka giggles, "Yeah, me too! So are you still coming?"
"On my way out right now." Homura confirms as she puts her outdoor shoes on and heads out the front of their school building. She then appends, "But first I have to stop at home for a minute."
There's a sudden silence, and then Madoka speaking softly and obviously worriedly, "You're...not bringing that gun again, are you? Please don't."
"Why? It makes a great walking stick." Homura argues.
"You're going to get us both arrested!" Madoka cries out.
"I'll put it in a bag!" Homura once more argues in uptalk.
"It just..." Madoka pauses for a brief moment "...it's uncomfortable, okay? Pleeease?"
Homura relents without much resistance, but also insists, "Fine, I won't bring Boomy. But I will bring something small, at least. Just for self-defense, okay?"
Madoka sighs, "I'll see you soon, Homura."
"Shit." Homura explicates as she hangs up, right after a quietly spoken "You too."
The two had arranged a pseudo-date at a little-known coffee shop that, for once, wasn't the one they usually go to. Homura calls it a "pseudo-date" because only she considers it one and treats it as such. Madoka, on the other hand, is completely oblivious to Homura's excessively subtle cues. It's not like she wouldn't be thrilled to be embraced like that; more of a problem with the devil, herself being completely un-devil-like.
Of course, that short exchange brings us directly to the first and possibly only timeskip in this entire short story. Just a minute later (thanks to some handy spacial manipulation), Homura arrives at her apartment complex (yes, the entire thing) to check on her belongings before leaving. Despite owning the entire building, she only actually inhabits one room, and the rest is a massive fort of sorts for her familiars to roam around it.
It even has a buffet! It only serves metaphorical food, but it's still all-you-can-eat. It doesn't help that most of the menu is comprised of tomato-related items which are almost all types of pasta. One such favorite among the Clara Dolls is Ironic Spaghetti. Nobody, not even Homura, knows why it's ironic.
The two items Homura apparently needs to retreive are as follows: One particularly gaudy long-barrelled desert eagle with etchings and imprints of Madoka covering its entire body, along with the words "Do it for her..." engraved on the side of the barrel. Then, one mysterious yet audaciously decorated black box which is covered in every possible facet with pink, paper lilies.
She stuffs both somewhere behind her back, in which they inexplicably disappear with no trace that they ever even existed. She then checks to make sure that nothing has been tampered with, seeing all but one thing out of place: It appears that the door to her room has been blasted off of its hinges and subsequently repaired. That is, it looks brand fucking new but also looks like a completely different door.
Suspicious of this, she sends Mami, Kyouko, and Sayaka the same text, "Which one of you asshats broke into my room and thought repairing the door would make it okay?"
Of course, no response.
Though they would be heading downtown, they actually decided to meet up on the riverbank at Homura's request and walk there together. It took a few minutes of searching, but Homura eventually found her standing there as the sun laid high on the horizon. Except, there was someone else there, right behind her.
"Eh?" Homura grunts, bending forward in vain to get a better look. The sunglare and distance is too much. She decides to make haste and start sprinting over to her.
"What the ACTUAL fuck!?" is Homura's only response to the situation at hand. Sayaka is standing right behind Madoka, in full battle regalia, holding a sword to her stomach and headlocking her.
"Now, I know what you're thinking..." Sayaka begins to explain "...why would I, her childhood friend, hold her hostage like this? Good question."
"I never asked." Homura corrects her while pulling out her deagle and aiming is squarely at Sayaka's stupid face. "By the way, your face is stupid." she adds.
"Noted." she replies. "Now put down that gun."
"No."
"Do you want her to die?"
"You wouldn't kill her."
"You think?"
"I know."
Sayaka proves her point by dragging the blade along and ripping a part of Madoka's uniform. "Think I'm joking now?"
"That was just her uniform, you didn't actually do anything. Especially convincing me that you have the balls of steel to do that." Homura bluntly scalds.
Sayaka grunts and changes the subject, "Anyways, Mami, bring it out!"
Mami emerges from the river like a fucking swamp monster, walks up the bank, and reveals her own hostage: A...gun?
Yes, she is indeed holding a gun hostage. With another gun.
"Boomy, NO!" Homura immediately loses her cool and cries out like a damsel.
The gun Mami is holding hostage is no ordinary rifle. It's Boomy, the pink PTRS-41 anti-tank rifle which exclusively fires explosive rounds!
"Y-You..." Homura quietly stutters "...You SAVAGES! How could you possibly hold an innocent gun hostage!? And with my girlfriend, too!"
"What!?" Madoka yells exacerbatedly. "Is this really happening!?" She seems slighly annoyed at being compared to a gun in terms of sentimental value.
Meanwhile, Sayaka argues, "You shot me with that stupid fucking rifle at least 15 times! You never just forget being shot by an explosive bullet, Homura. That's why it's either going to be Madoka..." she draws her sword up again "...or that gun!" Mami correspondingly holds her gun up to...the hostage gun.
"Homura!" an unfamiliar voice calls out. A high-pitched, girly one not unlike Madoka's.
"Who the hell...?" Sayaka and Mami say in unison.
Homura immediately averts her attention to the gun, "Boomy?"
Everyone freezes up, a look of utter bewilderment on their faces. "It can TALK!?" they all yell together.
"Homura!" Boomy says again "Please, rescue me! Remember all of the wraiths and stupid people we blew up together? All of the explosive pranks? All of the late nights talking about new and amazing upgrades to add? We still haven't gotten the laser cannon attachment working!"
Homura's expression goes blank, as if actually considering it.
Madoka yells at her, "Wait, what!? Is this really a difficult decision for you!?"
Homura shakes her head, "No, of course, the answer is obvious!" She puts her deagle away and slowly approaches Madoka. "I'm sorry, Boomy."
Sayaka shoves Madoka into Homura's grasps, where the two hug. She then approaches Mami and signals, "Alright, do it! I don't want to see this thing ever ag-"
Suddenly Homura snaps her fingers while yelling, "Don't get ahead of yourself!"
Boomy wiggles around and fires, then Mami's head explodes into a spray of red mist and gore. The sheer awfulness of the pun and the explosion of gore causes Sayaka to vomit and scream at the same time.
"Oh, how nostalgic." Homura quips, then snaps her fingers again, all while keeping Madoka from looking back. Boomy moves and fires on its own again, then Sayaka's entire upper torso explodes. "That's for having bigger tits than me!" Homura yells. She quickly adds, "And for being a bitch, I guess."
She then looks off into the near distance to find Kyouko standing idly by and watching the carnage unfold. Unmoving, but still in awe at how quickly they got completely destroyed.
"Oh, you exist. Right." Homura remembers. She snaps her fingers again, but this time Boomy doesn't fire. "Shit, must have forgot to load it again..."
Suddenly, Madoka pushes her away and yells, "What are you even do-" She turns around at that moment to see everyone but Kyouko exploded and seemingly dead on the ground. She doesn't even have the capacity to scream, just stares at it blankly. "Why am I not surprised?" she asks.
"Shit." Homura explicates again. She snaps her fingers again to try and undo everything which just happened.
The entire riverbank catches on fire. Madoka continues to stare, then back at Homura, then back at the bodies. Kyouko just walks away. Homura snaps her fingers again. And again. And again...
"And that's how we ended up here." Homura finishes explaining to Kyubey on top of her flower field. Below her and far away, the entire city of Mitakihara is on fire. She's holding an unconscious Madoka in her arms while sitting in a chair.
"Interesting. I assume you will reset everything again?" Kyubey guesses.
"Of course. What else would I do? The entire city is destroyed." she takes to a condescending tone.
"That raises the question:" Kyubey questions further "Why is Mitakihara so plagued by destruction? I recall in your story of the past world that it was repeatedly destroyed by 'Walpurgisnacht'. Now, it is being destroyed repeatedly by your own powers being uncontrollable."
"That is a good question..." Homura admits "...too bad I don't really care." She pulls out her long-barreled desert eagle and splatters Kyubey's brains all over one particularly unfortunate flower.
She quietly blows the smoke off of the barrel and puts it away. "This was a strange day." she comments. "But, I suppose it's better than being bored all of the time. Just all in the everday life of Homura, I suppose..."
She looks down at Madoka and smiles, petting her. "Yes, everday life..." she sighs nostalgically.
She then squeezes Madoka's boob exactly twice, "Honk honk." She giggles to herself, "Alright, enough of this."
With two claps, everything is back to normal. As normal as it can be before being utterly destroyed yet again by a completely separate incident...
